Day 46
You know what I realized today...I'm so sick and tired of feeling as though I dislike or even hate myself. I spent the majority of my day with my two oldest nephews (5 and 3). We went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play land, then headed over the AMC Highlands Ranch theater for video games and Transformers 3. From there we headed to Kohls for a (toy) treat since Nolan (the 3 year old) was such a good boy, and other than needing to go to the bathroom six times, did really well at the movie. Brayden on the other was brave and stayed steady and "okay" when Auntie and Nolan left everyother 30 minutes to go the bathroom.
But you know what was the craziest thing about today (if I can engage in some selfishness for a second)? I never questioned myself. I didn't fear being alone or unwanted. I didn't concern myself with weight or attractiveness...I didn't even ever wonder if i was being taken advantage of (75.00 dollars later..lol). I was content...felt fully loved and respected yet energized by my nephews. While they blush around me...and they tell me I'm beautiful...I (obviously) didn't worry about those things...I am focused on taking care of their needs. Allowing them to feel spoiled yet balanced. There are moments of necessary discipline but most of it was filled with "Auntie, this is awesome!" or "Auntie can i show you this?"
In fact the only hard moment for me today was when Brayden (my oldest nephew) asked why I wasn't living in Boulder anyone. He hasn't seen his uncle jonny in quite a long time, but there's still an attachment that makes even his innocent heart have a hard time with it...but then later he said out of nowhere..."Oh well Auntie at least you live near us now." So I asked, "Yeah? U can be my dates from now on?" And Brayden and Nolan both answered "Yeah!" and while i laugh but still grieved and even feared the lost picture in my heart...there is nothing like the laughs and confidence of children that can restore even the longest lost places of ones' heart. They look at me with such honesty and purity and it helped me believe (at least today) maybe everything isn't lost...maybe I'm not as evil (as a divorce can definitely lead you to believe about yourself), hurtful, or selfish as I thought I was at this point. I do believe children sense things a lot stronger than we do....and today my nephews hugged me unashamedly. They asked for tokens and treats but then asked "Auntie what do want to drink?" But nothing tops, "Auntie this is awesome!" or "Auntie will you hold my hand to cross the street?" Or even better...at the end of the day..."Auntie don't leave. I had so much fun." And realizing in that moment..I would have done anything for them. Spent any amount of money for them. Within their acceptance and love all i wanted to do was make them happy, to protect them, to help them become the men God has called.
Is there something to this key of life...this "coming as children" concept that Christ talked about? Responsiblity and life will allways beckon the adulthood of our existence...but I wondered....if we lived more child like...how would our confidence, love, honesty, imaginations and peace be different? Because I know spending with only 6 hours with my precious boys and i felt like the most worthy, beautiful woman in the world. And it was exhausting, it was exhiliatrating and it was so much fun...but know a days (outside of Christ) who else do we give that kind of power?
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 29:1-36, Romans 14:1-23, Psalm 24:1-10, Proverbs 20:12
Worship - nope
Work out - not today but have been fairly consistent in the last couple of days
Do something for someone else - babysat my nephews for my brother and sister in law could move
Do something for myself - took my nephews out on a date night
Eat well - well...proably not really...lots of junk
Emotional state: smiling...even in my liver
High point: heard my nephew said, "Auntie this is awesome!" about four times today was pretty great
Low point: not really a low point today...other than feeling bloated after a day of fun...but I feel like its' completely worth it.
Tip of the day: Mcdonald's playland is an amazing place for little ones to get all their energy out.
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