Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Iced, venti americano with a packet of grace

Day 35:

      Grace happens in the most unlikely places! Today, I had a couple of appointments and then I had to head up to Boulder and face a situation I just...well frankly...I didn't want to face. (nothing to do with my marriage) It's a situation that is humilitating and so very frustrating. Thank God I know how to bite my lip (although you'd wonder these days)...but as I got back into my car I thought I might melt into tears. I wanted to fight, I wanted to sob...I want to die of embarrassment. And while not many know (and will hopefully NEVER know) it's just as humilitating as if the entire world knew. Then I thought...why are you so upset? You did this...you deserve this, stop being such a baby! And there it is...the voice of self-judgement.
    My voice (of self-judgement) is very loud, opinionated and uses colorful vernicular. I realized at this moment that I've held myself up to such a high standard (or maybe pedestal) that there's no reason to understand grace because...I'm what? perfect? So when perfection is met with rejection? Then what?
     I make mistakes. I make REALLY bad mistakes sometimes, and yet somehow (to me) the gray areas of life don't even afford me the chance to fall flat on my face and grovel...with grace. lol See I believe whole heartedly in grace, forgiveness and the ethereal gray areas in life. I believe brokenness is beautiful and can lead to transformation and reform.....but here's the kicker...I believe all this for others. Therefore, when things like this happen to me....there's no understanding...there's no grace. And the even BIGGER kicker...I have a tendency to pick out the voices in my life that agree with my loser-ness and build off it. Soooooo....when grace happens loud enough for me to listen...it's usually because it happens in the most unlikely places.
     This past weekend I had felt that I needed to tell one of my clients (precious, 20-something woman) that I might be getting a divorce. I fought this decision for a while because I didnt' want to discourage her and deepen her disbelief in marriage. She has endured so much...but I felt strongly that she needed to know...because in an effort to gain trust with her...I knew I could not hide something this big. I mean she might notice if I ever stopped wearing my ring or took down my pictures. So I told her...and asked her to pray about continuing counseling with me. Today, I texted her fully expecting her to want a referral (which I would definitely understand)...and the reply I got, "So do you want coffee tomorrow morning? Venti?"
     My eyes filled with tears. I'm not completely sure why, but I do know there was this overwhelming feeling of...maybe I'm not failing everyone? Maybe I'm not even failing myself? It was a slipt second moment that might not overshadow the loneliness and regret I feel most of the time but it's such encouragement that I can barely continue to write this blog because of the tears that fill my eyes.

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronciles 28:1-29:30, Romans 5:6-21, Psalm 15:1-5, Proverbs 19:18-19 

Worship - Yes, well listened to my new fave worship CD and sang at the top of my lungs (a few times)

Work out - 50 minutes...gotta train for that "dirty girl race" coming up in September

Do something for someone else - prayed, prayed, prayed

Do something for myself - ate some ice cream

Eat well - nope...

Emotional state: reflective

High point: got my air conditioning fixed...I think...no more 80 degree nights

Low point: caught my puppy eating the cat's poo

Tip of the day: if you go to the Rockies game in this ridculous heat...wear all cotton, a baseball cap, and no make-up. So much more comfortable.

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