Monday, September 19, 2011

This ain't Disney folks

   Tomorrow would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary....AND I'm sort of nervous about how I will feel in the manana. There's this fear that I will wake up aching with regret and sadness or that it will pass without a noticable reflection at all. I realize the latter might be the best of both, but at the end of the day I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm ready for more pain, but at the same time...the second anniversary...not sure I want it to not matter.
    What I am grateful for is being in DC supported by friends and babies. lol It's a slightly weird dynamic when I realize this could have been me right now...a mom with a little one exchanging baby questions with friends. Just seems weird that I am back in this (single) perdictament. In reality I know I am in the right place and even at peace with my decisions, but there is that sting...the prick of reality that I might not ever have this in my life. I might not ever be a wife or mom, much less a grandma...etc. I'm back in a place that at one time was fun, intimidating and mysterious...but single now...I'm face with such a complicated dilemnia. See...I prayed, believed and remained pure for my marriage. Now I'm afraid to pray for redemption, incredibly inpatient, and well...what do you do with the concept of waiting til I'm married to have "relations" and now I'm no longer a virgin and no longer married. Ummmmmm?
     Just praying for guidance and continued peace. Sigh....crazy, complicated and confusing place to be.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Cold weather and crazies

    I really think cold weather brings out the crazies. Yesterday it was cold and drizzly (today it's cooler and the sun is starting to set earlier). Not sure what it's like in your neck of the woods, but for some reason in Colorado people act as though they've never seen rain...much less cold weather. And I live in ski country. i get the whole hunkering down and hibernating, but acting as though the world is coming to an end...IDK

 Here's what I noticed....

   People were cutting each other off on the highway while others were driving almost 20 miles under the speed limit, and I found myself getting angry. Angry at all the guys using the highway as a drag race. Angry at the women driving like turtles as though they could skid off the road any second. Angry at the bullies in sup upped trucks trying to push everyone out of the way. And seriously angry at the young person tailing me (and I'm going over the speed limit)...."Hey 12 year old do you want your parents to pay for my next car?" lol

    Then I checked myself...what's the deal? Why am i getting so weirded out. Well....I'm afraid. I'm afraid others don't care about what happens to me (or anyone else around me) they only care about themselves right now. They are more interested in their safety then in mine. Then I thought....what if they are afraid too? What if they are freaking out about everyone else freaking out and it's causing all this stupidity. Wouldn't that apply to so many areas in our lives.

    We understand the circumstances around us, but we don't trust anyone else to understand them. So we do things our way...we do things that keep us safe...but it's an illusion of safety. Because speeding down the highway...or cutting people off....or driving so slow it causes others to slam on their not safe either. Maybe if in times of fear we act so selfishly that it puts off a vibe that creates panic and fear in others. Ever been around one of those people that are calm during crisis? Their very presence allows us to believe things will be okay. So on the other side of the fence....are you someone that instigates fear or do you encourage peace in others? Do you put people as ease or are you just a stress ball that feeds freakishness. OH, and FYI...have you ever seen a passive driver on the highway during a! Passivity or a severe case of laid backness doesn't normally have it's way on the highway....does it?!?


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A sense of adventure

I've been asked, the last couple of days, when my next blog would be posted. It's both flattering and humbling to realize that there are those of you that find my words inspiring and entertaining. Thank you for all your encouragement and support! Seriously...your kind words have spurred me on these last few days. Here are my latest thoughts....

     If we live free...if you lived free...what would you do different now then what you have been doing? I've been thinking a lot about this....this word/concept/ "free." Free from fear, condemnation, shame and disappointment. Free from others' judgement and limitations. How would I live differently if I believed I was free?
    The other day I was going through my day fighting feelings of shame and guilt. Quoting my scripture, praying my prayers and REALLY trying to talk myself out of the funk that fuzzed my brain and spirit. Then this crazy idea came to my mind (leave it to the HS to do that)....if I'm free...if there's no condemnation for those that believe in Christ...what am I doing right now? I was condemning myself. Living in the same self-judgement and criticism I have submitted myself to for years. So, it occurred to me, if I was free, if I'm not condemned...what would be different? WELL...for one I would look at my mistakes and failings as...lessons...painful ones, hard ones... but the lessons that clearly Jesus saved me from, however, it's my own humanity that has subjected me to. I would not sit and analyze every wrong motive, thought, action and belief that leads into the shame that can bind and create a stronghold....I would accept that I did wrong and move on. I would understand my heart and spirit is motivated to live for Christ, think and act upon that reality and believe what God has said about me! 
     SO, ironically today....after days of meditating on this...I had a really bad emotional day (of course...leave it to the enemy). A day I actually woke up with a pain so real in my heart to that I bawled while I worked out and...even when I took a shower. BUT THEN I thought....if I was free to feel and let be....what would I be doing differently?
     Honestly, I'd feel without fear or abandon. I would realize that growth and development only make me more of the woman God wants me to be. I would dive into the things I love like art, travel, music and love. I would take a pottery class, plan a vacation with friends, sing in the worship team and love my family and friends as though I might die tomorrow. Even more so...I realized...1) I love to plan things. I love parties, get togethers and adventures. Some of the most fulfilling moments in my life were when I took a team to a foreign country, and the experiences there changed their lives forever. The stories I tell to this day cause laughter, tears and inspiration. 2)I also love to get people together that are from every area of my life (church, school, social, work and random). I love creating groups that offer an opportunity for safety and genuine growth. I've loved that I have had friends from all walks of life that attended parties and activites that are meant to connect complete strangers because they trust me.
      The other day I was reminded that there are many that don't know where to look for networking or adventure....especially within the realm of safety and Christianity. SO...for the sense of adventure...why not! Why not plan fun activities that allow others to meet and make connection. Why not ask others if they want to go on vacation or a mission trip? Why not take a stranger to lunch or dinner? Why not? The most fun memories and moments of my life were instigated by the sense of adventure. The desire to do something different and out of the ordinary. To know someone I wouldn't normally befriend or even think to know. An action that I would normally be paralyzed by fear to pursue. The sense of adventure...the essence of God's wild nature. WHY NOT!?!?!?! I think the sense of adventure...when motivated and inspired by God..propels us to the edge of life that we could never dream we could go.

Survival Plan

Read my Bible - Psalms 27

Worship - yes

Work out - yes, 45 minutes on my treadmill

Do something for someone else - well I helped out family this that I can do that

Do something for myself - loved on a client today

Eat well - i think so...calorie conscious at least

Emotional state: happy

High point: Sapulpa "sat" was exciting

Low point: woke up sleepy

Tip of the day:  a little bit of chicken broth in homemade tomato sauce...makes ALL the difference