So recently.....there's been a lot going on. To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it WAY to lightly...however, it seems God's voice becomes that much louder in the midst of my craziness...and this season would prove to be no different.
I started 2012 with "Health" as my word for the year...however, three months in...and not much to show for it...lol....I'm feeling a different word materialize..."Transformation!" This word is glamorous in theory...and conjures up mental pictures of butterflies and Eat, Pray, Love moments, and while the caterpillar/butterfly picture is a fantastic metaphor...I often forget that it involves going into the cocoon, dying, and then breaking free to a new life. A new life that involves things I've never seen before. It involves a lot of inbetweens and moments of uncertainty. All good, all important...but not all fun or predictable. Think about it....
A caterpillar...while it's instinctual for them to go into the cocoon...I wonder how eager they are to stay there during the "dying phase." And then when they emerge with these huge (and beautiful) extra limbs that aren't necessarily easy to control at first.....and now they aren't firmly stuck to the ground and crawl from place to place but they can fly....flutter from one flower to another. So free and fun...flower to flower...tree to tree...and then....BUT then "new" predators - birds and bats flying around with them looking for beautiful butterflies.
lol...okay, so this wasn't suppose to be a morbid depiction of where I'm at in life...but I feel it illustrates not only the sovereignty of God but that even the new, the good, the exciting, can be hard and stressful, but rewarding. With EVERYTHING in me...I know I've healed, am healing, and will be completely transformed...and I want that immensely....but flying around in this new freedom, this new life...is scary...it's thrilling...and...well...NEW!
I have been so blessed to have friends and acquaintances seek me out because of their current experiences...but it's scary to be in this new place of responsibility and vulnerability. I feel as though I have survived a season of darkness...and death...and honestly emerged...truly emerged transformed...but that former season is not to be taken lightly.....so in no way do I want to help others walk through their struggle as though it's easy....plus witnessing struggle is difficult and even more so difficult to not try and rescue ...so I understand why many bail. But this new "jewel to my crown" only means I must stay that much more vulnerable and accountable...and I love that....but it's also more frightening and real? But then whoever looks at the butterfly and questions their past?
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard Shaw
Revelation: I love and fear vulnerability, but it's only in those moments that I grow more into the woman I want to be.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, 45 minutes playing and walking puppy, talking to a friend about my ups and downs.
What I heard myself say today: "Sin doesn't turn God from me, sin turns me from God."
What hurt: realizing I'm truly leaving my old self behind. Packing up, throwing away, donating things...makes it all so real. Also knowing two of my friends are going through really difficult times that I can relate to on many levels.
What felt good: donating some great things (hope some of friends don't read this...lol)
What feed my soul: dinner with my friend, and joining Love146.
Bonus of the day: looking into organizing a mission trip to Cambodia
Showing posts with label relationships and living life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships and living life. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A little R&R
Reflections and Resolutions
I realize there are probably thousands of new posts going up, at this very moment, about resolutions for the New Year or reflections of the past one. And honestly, while I loath being a cliche' I simply could not resist the opportunity to do some reflecting and "resoluting" myself.
2011 was....well...there were parts that I remember as fun and enjoyable; some sad and full of heartbreak; a few moments were hard and exhausting; while others were just plain forgettable. It's amazing for me to remember that this time last year I was looking for a house and planning a family. Somewhere in between I moved out, moved home and began the journey back to myself. Evenmoreso...I started a journey towards renovation and transformation (hopefully...knock on wood).
Frankly, 2011 was probably the hardest year of my life. There were moments I felt as though I've was repeatedly hit over the head and now reflect on 2011 with a bit fuzziness. With THAT said...I'm grateful I learned a lot about myself. I'm, also, grateful that I have learned who my real friends are, and for the reforged relationship with my family. I'm, also, even grateful that I adopted my spunky, crazy puppy and welcomed a new nephew....all in 2011.
But who would have thought I'd be here....after months of feeling utterly ruined and shattered, I'm looking (once again) for new beginnings. I have the same usual resolutions...lose 10lbs, organize my apartment, develop professionally.....but for once....I want....no, I NEED my goals to carry me to a different level of myself...transformation....an all encompassing overhaul. I guess to a new place where I hope to not even recognize myself a year from now. And you know what??? That's freaking scary.
What if I don't succeed? What if transforming is more painful then what I've already been through? What if success looks an awful lot like some of my deepest fears? Alone, struggling, floundering.....yet WHAT IF....everything is different? What if wholeness and healing are on the other side? What if I wake up a dormant part of myself that I never knew was there?
I am tired of not setting goals because I'm afraid I won't reach them.....or worse just give up because I'm bored or unmotivated. I would say 2011 has taught me that I need people, I need support and absolutely know I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. So for 2012 my goals will include emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health.
"Ruin is a gift! Ruin is the road to transformation." - Liz Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love"
Cheers...here's to 2011 reflections and 2012 resolutions!
I realize there are probably thousands of new posts going up, at this very moment, about resolutions for the New Year or reflections of the past one. And honestly, while I loath being a cliche' I simply could not resist the opportunity to do some reflecting and "resoluting" myself.
2011 was....well...there were parts that I remember as fun and enjoyable; some sad and full of heartbreak; a few moments were hard and exhausting; while others were just plain forgettable. It's amazing for me to remember that this time last year I was looking for a house and planning a family. Somewhere in between I moved out, moved home and began the journey back to myself. Evenmoreso...I started a journey towards renovation and transformation (hopefully...knock on wood).
Frankly, 2011 was probably the hardest year of my life. There were moments I felt as though I've was repeatedly hit over the head and now reflect on 2011 with a bit fuzziness. With THAT said...I'm grateful I learned a lot about myself. I'm, also, grateful that I have learned who my real friends are, and for the reforged relationship with my family. I'm, also, even grateful that I adopted my spunky, crazy puppy and welcomed a new nephew....all in 2011.
But who would have thought I'd be here....after months of feeling utterly ruined and shattered, I'm looking (once again) for new beginnings. I have the same usual resolutions...lose 10lbs, organize my apartment, develop professionally.....but for once....I want....no, I NEED my goals to carry me to a different level of myself...transformation....an all encompassing overhaul. I guess to a new place where I hope to not even recognize myself a year from now. And you know what??? That's freaking scary.
What if I don't succeed? What if transforming is more painful then what I've already been through? What if success looks an awful lot like some of my deepest fears? Alone, struggling, floundering.....yet WHAT IF....everything is different? What if wholeness and healing are on the other side? What if I wake up a dormant part of myself that I never knew was there?
I am tired of not setting goals because I'm afraid I won't reach them.....or worse just give up because I'm bored or unmotivated. I would say 2011 has taught me that I need people, I need support and absolutely know I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. So for 2012 my goals will include emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health.
"Ruin is a gift! Ruin is the road to transformation." - Liz Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love"
Cheers...here's to 2011 reflections and 2012 resolutions!
Monday, October 17, 2011
The F-ers
Lately, the only things keeping my head above water are my family, friends and...well a little bit of fun! I know that one day I will be eternally grateful for this season, and I can even see the silver lining sometimes (understanding loneliness and vulnerability)...but right now it's just refreshing to have the support and love of my closest relationships....and with them I can blow off some steam. My family has kept me sane (especially ...the loves of my life, my nephews), my friends have kept me afloat and moving forward, and that little bit of fun?...well that has been a life saver. Fun has reminded me of my personality and what helps me breath. Even if it's running in a football field with my nephews as they squeal when Sapulpa (my puppy) chases them. Or like tonight....talking with a friend over wine and sliders.
So, tonight when I met up with my old friend...you know what I realized...that I'm thankful for connection. I'm thankful for brutal honesty and forgiveness...and I'm thankful for not being judged but understood in this season. I found that I couldn't really explain some of the ways I felt, and instead of giving advice I was met with kindness and acceptance. Obviously we all have dark places and blind spots, but to feel and really know that you are forgiven, adored, and wanted...it's deeply healing....especially when those voices point back to Christ. To be allowed to express failure and unloveliness, and be met with experience and authenticity..it's life-giving, it's breath.
Family, friends and fun! Maybe that's the recipe for a heart break to transform into healing. Well then, cheers....here's to the F-ers.
So, tonight when I met up with my old friend...you know what I realized...that I'm thankful for connection. I'm thankful for brutal honesty and forgiveness...and I'm thankful for not being judged but understood in this season. I found that I couldn't really explain some of the ways I felt, and instead of giving advice I was met with kindness and acceptance. Obviously we all have dark places and blind spots, but to feel and really know that you are forgiven, adored, and wanted...it's deeply healing....especially when those voices point back to Christ. To be allowed to express failure and unloveliness, and be met with experience and authenticity..it's life-giving, it's breath.
Family, friends and fun! Maybe that's the recipe for a heart break to transform into healing. Well then, cheers....here's to the F-ers.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Good Grief
Well my recent reality has been...not to good lately. I don't want this to be a depressing post...but, uh well...it probably will be...lol
Ever heard of the 7 stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance/hope)? We usually experience these stages after a death or extreme loss. The theory was introduced by Kubler-Ross in 1969 in her book "Death and Dying." The idea was that everyone, after experiencing tragic loss such as terminal illness and death, experienced five distinct stages of grieving through their reality. Since then the model has been modified slightly and adapted to include other types of immense loss such as divorce.
In my case...I am definitely in the depression/pain and sorrow stage...and the thing I HATE about that is that all the information out there says it's more important to experience all and go through all the feelings involved in this stage. In fact, they say it's HEALTHY. Motherless goat! Ugh, and because although I want to escape the feelings more than anything I want to do this season correctly (and well)....and sooooo I have felt everything....sadness, depression, pain, hopelessness and fear...then back to sadness. It comes in waves...but the worse is hopelessness.
The silver lining is that I'm a step closer to the final stage - acceptance and hope...but dear Lord are you SERIOUS? It feels as though this stage will never end or that I might not survive it (end up catatonic). However trying to sit and wait through this season I've noticed a few ugly things about myself...one being...it seems in the past in order to go through (or not go through) this stage quickly...I simply move to the next thing. The next degree, next job, next opportunity...looking for a way to distract myself...convinced I'm moving forward but really I running away. This wasn't for every case...but there have definitely been more then I want to actually admit. And in most of those cases I ended up creating more drama for myself...then moving into a place of peace or growth.
I DO find hope in those that have press through this stage and come out on the other side. It's so hard to trust their words. To believe that although it happened for them it could happen for me...but in the words of my brother, "If God did it once He can do it again, and even if He hadn't He could do it anyway...but He has and will." So maybe once I enter into the last stage...I can see a hopeful future?
Here's to....I don't know...Good Grief. Cheers
Ever heard of the 7 stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance/hope)? We usually experience these stages after a death or extreme loss. The theory was introduced by Kubler-Ross in 1969 in her book "Death and Dying." The idea was that everyone, after experiencing tragic loss such as terminal illness and death, experienced five distinct stages of grieving through their reality. Since then the model has been modified slightly and adapted to include other types of immense loss such as divorce.
In my case...I am definitely in the depression/pain and sorrow stage...and the thing I HATE about that is that all the information out there says it's more important to experience all and go through all the feelings involved in this stage. In fact, they say it's HEALTHY. Motherless goat! Ugh, and because although I want to escape the feelings more than anything I want to do this season correctly (and well)....and sooooo I have felt everything....sadness, depression, pain, hopelessness and fear...then back to sadness. It comes in waves...but the worse is hopelessness.
The silver lining is that I'm a step closer to the final stage - acceptance and hope...but dear Lord are you SERIOUS? It feels as though this stage will never end or that I might not survive it (end up catatonic). However trying to sit and wait through this season I've noticed a few ugly things about myself...one being...it seems in the past in order to go through (or not go through) this stage quickly...I simply move to the next thing. The next degree, next job, next opportunity...looking for a way to distract myself...convinced I'm moving forward but really I running away. This wasn't for every case...but there have definitely been more then I want to actually admit. And in most of those cases I ended up creating more drama for myself...then moving into a place of peace or growth.
I DO find hope in those that have press through this stage and come out on the other side. It's so hard to trust their words. To believe that although it happened for them it could happen for me...but in the words of my brother, "If God did it once He can do it again, and even if He hadn't He could do it anyway...but He has and will." So maybe once I enter into the last stage...I can see a hopeful future?
Here's to....I don't know...Good Grief. Cheers
Monday, September 19, 2011
This ain't Disney folks
Tomorrow would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary....AND I'm sort of nervous about how I will feel in the manana. There's this fear that I will wake up aching with regret and sadness or that it will pass without a noticable reflection at all. I realize the latter might be the best of both, but at the end of the day I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm ready for more pain, but at the same time...the second anniversary...not sure I want it to not matter.
What I am grateful for is being in DC supported by friends and babies. lol It's a slightly weird dynamic when I realize this could have been me right now...a mom with a little one exchanging baby questions with friends. Just seems weird that I am back in this (single) perdictament. In reality I know I am in the right place and even at peace with my decisions, but there is that sting...the prick of reality that I might not ever have this in my life. I might not ever be a wife or mom, much less a grandma...etc. I'm back in a place that at one time was fun, intimidating and mysterious...but single now...I'm face with such a complicated dilemnia. See...I prayed, believed and remained pure for my marriage. Now I'm afraid to pray for redemption, incredibly inpatient, and well...what do you do with the concept of waiting til I'm married to have "relations" and now I'm no longer a virgin and no longer married. Ummmmmm?
Just praying for guidance and continued peace. Sigh....crazy, complicated and confusing place to be.
What I am grateful for is being in DC supported by friends and babies. lol It's a slightly weird dynamic when I realize this could have been me right now...a mom with a little one exchanging baby questions with friends. Just seems weird that I am back in this (single) perdictament. In reality I know I am in the right place and even at peace with my decisions, but there is that sting...the prick of reality that I might not ever have this in my life. I might not ever be a wife or mom, much less a grandma...etc. I'm back in a place that at one time was fun, intimidating and mysterious...but single now...I'm face with such a complicated dilemnia. See...I prayed, believed and remained pure for my marriage. Now I'm afraid to pray for redemption, incredibly inpatient, and well...what do you do with the concept of waiting til I'm married to have "relations" and now I'm no longer a virgin and no longer married. Ummmmmm?
Just praying for guidance and continued peace. Sigh....crazy, complicated and confusing place to be.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Cold weather and crazies
I really think cold weather brings out the crazies. Yesterday it was cold and drizzly (today it's cooler and the sun is starting to set earlier). Not sure what it's like in your neck of the woods, but for some reason in Colorado people act as though they've never seen rain...much less cold weather. And I live in ski country. i get the whole hunkering down and hibernating, but acting as though the world is coming to an end...IDK
Here's what I noticed....
People were cutting each other off on the highway while others were driving almost 20 miles under the speed limit, and I found myself getting angry. Angry at all the guys using the highway as a drag race. Angry at the women driving like turtles as though they could skid off the road any second. Angry at the bullies in sup upped trucks trying to push everyone out of the way. And seriously angry at the young person tailing me (and I'm going over the speed limit)...."Hey 12 year old do you want your parents to pay for my next car?" lol
Then I checked myself...what's the deal? Why am i getting so weirded out. Well....I'm afraid. I'm afraid others don't care about what happens to me (or anyone else around me) they only care about themselves right now. They are more interested in their safety then in mine. Then I thought....what if they are afraid too? What if they are freaking out about everyone else freaking out and it's causing all this stupidity. Wouldn't that apply to so many areas in our lives.
We understand the circumstances around us, but we don't trust anyone else to understand them. So we do things our way...we do things that keep us safe...but it's an illusion of safety. Because speeding down the highway...or cutting people off....or driving so slow it causes others to slam on their brakes...is not safe either. Maybe if in times of fear we act so selfishly that it puts off a vibe that creates panic and fear in others. Ever been around one of those people that are calm during crisis? Their very presence allows us to believe things will be okay. So on the other side of the fence....are you someone that instigates fear or do you encourage peace in others? Do you put people as ease or are you just a stress ball that feeds freakishness. OH, and FYI...have you ever seen a passive driver on the highway during a storm....no! Passivity or a severe case of laid backness doesn't normally have it's way on the highway....does it?!?
Selah~
Here's what I noticed....
People were cutting each other off on the highway while others were driving almost 20 miles under the speed limit, and I found myself getting angry. Angry at all the guys using the highway as a drag race. Angry at the women driving like turtles as though they could skid off the road any second. Angry at the bullies in sup upped trucks trying to push everyone out of the way. And seriously angry at the young person tailing me (and I'm going over the speed limit)...."Hey 12 year old do you want your parents to pay for my next car?" lol
Then I checked myself...what's the deal? Why am i getting so weirded out. Well....I'm afraid. I'm afraid others don't care about what happens to me (or anyone else around me) they only care about themselves right now. They are more interested in their safety then in mine. Then I thought....what if they are afraid too? What if they are freaking out about everyone else freaking out and it's causing all this stupidity. Wouldn't that apply to so many areas in our lives.
We understand the circumstances around us, but we don't trust anyone else to understand them. So we do things our way...we do things that keep us safe...but it's an illusion of safety. Because speeding down the highway...or cutting people off....or driving so slow it causes others to slam on their brakes...is not safe either. Maybe if in times of fear we act so selfishly that it puts off a vibe that creates panic and fear in others. Ever been around one of those people that are calm during crisis? Their very presence allows us to believe things will be okay. So on the other side of the fence....are you someone that instigates fear or do you encourage peace in others? Do you put people as ease or are you just a stress ball that feeds freakishness. OH, and FYI...have you ever seen a passive driver on the highway during a storm....no! Passivity or a severe case of laid backness doesn't normally have it's way on the highway....does it?!?
Selah~
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