Monday, November 21, 2011

Puking Purple

So....recently I've received quite a few of encouraging comments about my blog (even a few lengthy emails)...but I've also have heard some less than complimentary ones. Nothing to harsh or even degrading, just subtle suggestions or remarks. And you know what? I LOVE IT! Here's why....regardless of the are reading the blog. And regardless of my experiences or response to them...YOU are having a response as well.

I realize that honesty and transparency can be difficult for many. I realize exposing one's pain or dark places can be intimately awkward. Yet I, also, know reading and relating to those words can be life changing and/or comforting. And I know if I didn't have an outlet I might have imploded and disappeared into depression a long time ago. Writing this blog was never for fans or has always been about honesty and healing. I know...from both my job AND life....many go through the church (and outside the church) wearing masks that hide despair and brokenness. And many times we wear these masks not to only try and trick those watching...but ourselves. If I fake it then I can make it!  Truth be told I believe in the concept of this....when apply to the right season. But when life is rocked! When life hits hard and there was never a need for Plan B until now....well I'm sorry  but only coming into the light aids true healing and transformation (enough of my soapbox....for now)

Divorce, disappointment, heartache are shattering. They are broken dreams that settle into the most intimate of places. And what's even more devastating when going through that type of feeling alone. Feeling as though no one anywhere understands or is going through it. But then I guess you really get that if you've gone through it.

A funny metaphor would be when my mom and dad teased me about decorating my house for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving. When my mom asked why I laughed and said, "Don't know. I guess because I can. It makes me happy." Then when my dad praised all the decor and thought my tree was beautiful, and he asked, "so why all the purple and not red and green?" I just shrugged and said, "Because I like it. Because I can." lol So I guess that's how I feel about this blog, about my words, about my experiences and translating them to you. I feel...well I write this...because I can...and you CAN respond however you like...because YOU can . Isn't that amazingly freeing?

So as my house remains decorated in silver and purple for Christmas, I sigh and's good to be in a place where I respond, I do, because I can....and maybe hopefully a long the way my actions and words will help someone else believe they CAN too!

Cheers! Here's to puking purple because you can!

One man's caution is not another man's truth!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Heartbroken and....sitting? Sounds like a country song.

Every day is a roller coaster...and I've found it exhausting to try and fight all the emotions. As for this week...between being sick with the flu and dealing with the reality of my newly acquired status (again)...I feel as though I'm drowning in pain. But what's been interesting....when I let myself cry, when I let myself be sad...there's almost this reprieve. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to wallow....nor get swallowed up by heaviness and depression....but there's something to allowing myself not be okay...I don't's like I'm saying...yes I'm sick and I need to rest and take Nyquil (a LOT of 

Giving myself premission to not be okay, reminded me of something I felt the Lord showed me years ago. I was living in Nashville, had an amazing job, but lonely and heart broken. There was yet another disappointment that happened and I laid crying in my bed one night....just begging to God to make it stop (ever felt that way?) Then I sat up, wiped my tears and headed to the restroom...then I heard a voice. It was clear, firm and as though right next to me.  I heard, "Who were you just talking to?" I stopped cold. "What?" Then again, "Who were you just talking to?" "I guess I was talking to you Lord?" Then is was as though the atmosphere shifted and I wasn't afraid or even shocked anymore "No you weren't. You were telling yourself what you thought I would say. Go sit down, close your eyes and just be silent." So I did (would  you argue?)

As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes I saw this vivid picture in my mind. It was of a little girl with long hair. She was laying on someone's lap bawling her little eyes out. Heart wrenching cries...then a fatherly hand started to stroke her hair and next thing I knew tears were falling into her hair. I heard him say, "This is what I wanted to do. You are hurting so I am hurting. You are crying so I am crying with you." There was no pressure, no rush...not even a simple answer. Just a simple "I want to be with you." know God at that level? To not just desire an answer, but desire His know He hurts because I'm hurting. To know His heart breaks when my heart breaks...that motivates me to want to do this His way. Although hard..although scary...although with no promises or answers. It's hard to look into the future and be envision something different or better. But then knowing I don't have to prove some kind of just be without shame. I suppose life gets pretty simple when it's more about "being" and less about answers and striving.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Church, carbs, and good ole' intimacy issues?

After a fantastic church service about maintaining a thankful attitude in life I went to lunch with friends to a yummy Italian restaurant. And of course, when there are broken but thriving women eating amazing heart to heart about all things relationship WILL happen.

During that conversation it became clear to me how much I am still hurt over a few things in my marriage. For one I felt my ex-husband never really knew me...there wasn't even a real effort to try. In fact I knew I had made a grave mistake when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I thought you were this perfect person." (This was, of course, said after I felt I messed up and asking for grace). I remember feeling so defeated, rejected and unloved. I also remember thinking...where is my safe haven? Where is it okay to not be okay?

 It was as though we said "I do, I love you"...and then nothing. I'm convinced he knows as much about me now as he did on our wedding day. There was no effort to understand my heart, to know why I acted or reacted to certain things. Why I struggled with some issues and remained resolved on others. No desire to know my dreams and hopes...we never even discussed baby names.Then after rehashing all this unloveliness over pasta it occurred to this how God feels? How often do I act as though I love Him but turn from authentically knowing Him. I claimed all this love for Him...but then dont' have a clue what makes him tick. Don't understand his love towards me. His anger, frustration AND joy. I don't get it!

Honestly, how often do we claimed to love Him but not really know Him? We talk about Him, show up for service, discuss Christian issues with Christian friends, even read/memorize scripture yet there isn't a true connection, a true understanding of Him. In the same way my ex did not want to understand my joy, anger, desires and fears....I wonder do I know God's heart, His emotions? Have I even asked? Have I even made an effort? Do I just read the Bible looking for a face value answer...but never dive into all the important stuff behind the message?

It's also interesting to me how intimacy...true intimacy is usually birth in the most difficult of times. Have you experienced that? After a huge mistake, tragic loss or broken's those that stick around, those that help carry you, those that might not have understood but stood anyways...and then there's this bond. An unmistakeable tie that takes friendship and love to a wordless knowing. As though there's a connection that time and heartache can no longer break. And we all crave that don't we? To be fully known and fully loved. To be accepted in both the beauty and pain. To be supported in both brokenness and victory. Oh my, how our relationships would change. If I didn't want you to be something or someone for me.....but to just know you, understand you. If you accepted me, loved me in both Godliness and sin.  What would that be like?

Cheers to church, carbs and intimacy issues....