After a fantastic church service about maintaining a thankful attitude in life I went to lunch with friends to a yummy Italian restaurant. And of course, when there are broken but thriving women eating together...an amazing heart to heart about all things relationship WILL happen.
During that conversation it became clear to me how much I am still hurt over a few things in my marriage. For one I felt my ex-husband never really knew me...there wasn't even a real effort to try. In fact I knew I had made a grave mistake when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I thought you were this perfect person." (This was, of course, said after I felt I messed up and asking for grace). I remember feeling so defeated, rejected and unloved. I also remember thinking...where is my safe haven? Where is it okay to not be okay?
It was as though we said "I do, I love you"...and then nothing. I'm convinced he knows as much about me now as he did on our wedding day. There was no effort to understand my heart, to know why I acted or reacted to certain things. Why I struggled with some issues and remained resolved on others. No desire to know my dreams and hopes...we never even discussed baby names.Then after rehashing all this unloveliness over pasta it occurred to me....is this how God feels? How often do I act as though I love Him but turn from authentically knowing Him. I claimed all this love for Him...but then dont' have a clue what makes him tick. Don't understand his love towards me. His anger, frustration AND joy. I don't get it!
Honestly, how often do we claimed to love Him but not really know Him? We talk about Him, show up for service, discuss Christian issues with Christian friends, even read/memorize scripture yet there isn't a true connection, a true understanding of Him. In the same way my ex did not want to understand my joy, anger, desires and fears....I wonder do I know God's heart, His emotions? Have I even asked? Have I even made an effort? Do I just read the Bible looking for a face value answer...but never dive into all the important stuff behind the message?
It's also interesting to me how intimacy...true intimacy is usually birth in the most difficult of times. Have you experienced that? After a huge mistake, tragic loss or broken dream...it's those that stick around, those that help carry you, those that might not have understood but stood anyways...and then there's this bond. An unmistakeable tie that takes friendship and love to a wordless knowing. As though there's a connection that time and heartache can no longer break. And we all crave that don't we? To be fully known and fully loved. To be accepted in both the beauty and pain. To be supported in both brokenness and victory. Oh my, how our relationships would change. If I didn't want you to be something or someone for me.....but to just know you, understand you. If you accepted me, loved me in both Godliness and sin. What would that be like?
Cheers to church, carbs and intimacy issues....