Okay this is going to be a difficult one...read at your own discretion..lol
Today was a day of discoveries. Not in some of the ways you might think...and not even in some of ways I would want (treasure hunting on a beach next to crystal clear water). Today was about discovering new levels of my heart that I didn't know existed. I think we all set caps on our levels of love, our abilities to embrace unconditionally.
I had two of the most uncomfortable yet profoundly impacting counseling sessions of my career...today!!! TWO in one day...you have no idea. In both of these sessions I was faced with difficult, gray area issues that left me questioning myself and my ability to really help.
I know deeply (very deeply) that I'm called to those that are brokenhearted and desperate, those walking in the fringes of life...and honestly, I'm often times surprised at the issues that THAT commitment can mean. And truthfully, while I love this calling I often have to listen very closely for the whisper and unction of God....and THAT is intimidating at times. Especially when dealing with issues that so many mock, judge and punish loooonnnngggg before they know the reasons behind the behavior.
On this day, I realized a level of love that, yes I have felt before, but I guess I've never recognized I was able to handle much less respond to. Once I read a quote by Mother Theresa that said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And it's weird but I truly believe this with my entire being, because i have found when I really try to learn the hurt of another I only discover reasons for compassion and an even bigger belief in the healing power of God. I, also see how secrets and hidden pain lead to more secrets and hidden pain...especially when met primarily with judgement and rejection.
Now, I say none of this to ignore God's absolutes. I am a firm and deeply committed believer in God's absolutes...but I often wonder "WWJD." lol Seriously though. It was Jesus that ate and talked with the despised, unlovely and unwanted of the world. He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, healed the leper and the blind man, ate with the tax collectors, comforted the children, and saved the life of the adulterous woman (and that's just to name a few). He also befriended and discipled a lot of misfits and flakes...lol
And this isn't an attempt to somehow do away with the knowledge of protecting one's heart or understanding the absolute necessity of boundaries...but it sure does broaden the levels of the capacity to love and be loved. It also helps me to look differently at those questioning life, their life, their beliefs, their past, their sexuality, their decisions, their pain, their truth...and push it through the grid of WWJD.
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: John 4
Revelation: that even when someone questions the most basic of things....there is usually a hurt or confusion behind it.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, but didn't get to workout unless you consider the workout my ears got 7 sessions later. :)
What I heard myself say today: "There's no judgement here, but I want you to examine why you feel that is true for you. Plus, I think your fantastic the way you are, but why are you, you?"
What hurt: seeing my girls' cry because they feel so lost or rejected, and oh do I know the power of rejection!
What felt good: helping my girls through a lot of gray and maybe bringing a smile to their face...even for a second.
What fed my soul: my co-worker Kathy. Somehow she is always able to make me feel a little more sane and productive as a therapist. "Brooke you're right were you should be. And sorry, but you're called to this, God called you to this." Thanks? lol
Bonus of the day: possibly going to Thailand????? maybe maybe maybe....ahhhhhh
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
WWJD discoveries
Okay this is going to be a difficult one...read at your own discretion..lol
Today was a day of discoveries. Not in some of the ways you might think...and not even in some of ways I would want (treasure hunting on a beach next to crystal clear water). Today was about discovering new levels of my heart that I didn't know existed. I think we all set caps on our levels of love, our abilities to embrace unconditionally.
I had two of the most uncomfortable yet profoundly impacting counseling sessions of my career...today!!! TWO in one day...you have no idea. In both of these sessions I was faced with difficult, gray area issues that left me questioning myself and my ability to really help.
I know deeply (very deeply) that I'm called to those that are brokenhearted and desperate, those walking in the fringes of life...and honestly, I'm often times surprised at the issues that THAT commitment can mean. And truthfully, while I love this calling I often have to listen very closely for the whisper and unction of God....and THAT is intimidating at times. Especially when dealing with issues that so many mock, judge and punish loooonnnngggg before they know the reasons behind the behavior.
On this day, I realized a level of love that, yes I have felt before, but I guess I've never recognized I was able to handle much less respond to. Once I read a quote by Mother Theresa that said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And it's weird but I truly believe this with my entire being, because i have found when I really try to learn the hurt of another I only discover reasons for compassion and an even bigger belief in the healing power of God. I, also see how secrets and hidden pain lead to more secrets and hidden pain...especially when met primarily with judgement and rejection.
Now, I say none of this to ignore God's absolutes. I am a firm and deeply committed believer in God's absolutes...but I often wonder "WWJD." lol Seriously though. It was Jesus that ate and talked with the despised, unlovely and unwanted of the world. He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, healed the leper and the blind man, ate with the tax collectors, comforted the children, and saved the life of the adulterous woman (and that's just to name a few). He also befriended and discipled a lot of misfits and flakes...lol
And this isn't an attempt to somehow do away with the knowledge of protecting one's heart or understanding the absolute necessity of boundaries...but it sure does broaden the levels of the capacity to love and be loved. It also helps me to look differently at those questioning life, their life, their beliefs, their past, their sexuality, their decisions, their pain, their truth...and push it through the grid of WWJD.
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: John 4
Revelation: that even when someone questions the most basic of things....there is usually a hurt or confusion behind it.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, but didn't get to workout unless you consider the workout my ears got 7 sessions later. :)
What I heard myself say today: "There's no judgement here, but I want you to examine why you feel that is true for you. Plus, I think your fantastic the way you are, but why are you, you?"
What hurt: seeing my girls' cry because they feel so lost or rejected, and oh do I know the power of rejection!
What felt good: helping my girls through a lot of gray and maybe bringing a smile to their face...even for a second.
What fed my soul: my co-worker Kathy. Somehow she is always able to make me feel a little more sane and productive as a therapist. "Brooke you're right were you should be. And sorry, but you're called to this, God called you to this." Thanks? lol
Bonus of the day: possibly going to Thailand????? maybe maybe maybe....ahhhhhh
Today was a day of discoveries. Not in some of the ways you might think...and not even in some of ways I would want (treasure hunting on a beach next to crystal clear water). Today was about discovering new levels of my heart that I didn't know existed. I think we all set caps on our levels of love, our abilities to embrace unconditionally.
I had two of the most uncomfortable yet profoundly impacting counseling sessions of my career...today!!! TWO in one day...you have no idea. In both of these sessions I was faced with difficult, gray area issues that left me questioning myself and my ability to really help.
I know deeply (very deeply) that I'm called to those that are brokenhearted and desperate, those walking in the fringes of life...and honestly, I'm often times surprised at the issues that THAT commitment can mean. And truthfully, while I love this calling I often have to listen very closely for the whisper and unction of God....and THAT is intimidating at times. Especially when dealing with issues that so many mock, judge and punish loooonnnngggg before they know the reasons behind the behavior.
On this day, I realized a level of love that, yes I have felt before, but I guess I've never recognized I was able to handle much less respond to. Once I read a quote by Mother Theresa that said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And it's weird but I truly believe this with my entire being, because i have found when I really try to learn the hurt of another I only discover reasons for compassion and an even bigger belief in the healing power of God. I, also see how secrets and hidden pain lead to more secrets and hidden pain...especially when met primarily with judgement and rejection.
Now, I say none of this to ignore God's absolutes. I am a firm and deeply committed believer in God's absolutes...but I often wonder "WWJD." lol Seriously though. It was Jesus that ate and talked with the despised, unlovely and unwanted of the world. He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, healed the leper and the blind man, ate with the tax collectors, comforted the children, and saved the life of the adulterous woman (and that's just to name a few). He also befriended and discipled a lot of misfits and flakes...lol
And this isn't an attempt to somehow do away with the knowledge of protecting one's heart or understanding the absolute necessity of boundaries...but it sure does broaden the levels of the capacity to love and be loved. It also helps me to look differently at those questioning life, their life, their beliefs, their past, their sexuality, their decisions, their pain, their truth...and push it through the grid of WWJD.
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: John 4
Revelation: that even when someone questions the most basic of things....there is usually a hurt or confusion behind it.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, but didn't get to workout unless you consider the workout my ears got 7 sessions later. :)
What I heard myself say today: "There's no judgement here, but I want you to examine why you feel that is true for you. Plus, I think your fantastic the way you are, but why are you, you?"
What hurt: seeing my girls' cry because they feel so lost or rejected, and oh do I know the power of rejection!
What felt good: helping my girls through a lot of gray and maybe bringing a smile to their face...even for a second.
What fed my soul: my co-worker Kathy. Somehow she is always able to make me feel a little more sane and productive as a therapist. "Brooke you're right were you should be. And sorry, but you're called to this, God called you to this." Thanks? lol
Bonus of the day: possibly going to Thailand????? maybe maybe maybe....ahhhhhh
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Transformation
So recently.....there's been a lot going on. To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it WAY to lightly...however, it seems God's voice becomes that much louder in the midst of my craziness...and this season would prove to be no different.
I started 2012 with "Health" as my word for the year...however, three months in...and not much to show for it...lol....I'm feeling a different word materialize..."Transformation!" This word is glamorous in theory...and conjures up mental pictures of butterflies and Eat, Pray, Love moments, and while the caterpillar/butterfly picture is a fantastic metaphor...I often forget that it involves going into the cocoon, dying, and then breaking free to a new life. A new life that involves things I've never seen before. It involves a lot of inbetweens and moments of uncertainty. All good, all important...but not all fun or predictable. Think about it....
A caterpillar...while it's instinctual for them to go into the cocoon...I wonder how eager they are to stay there during the "dying phase." And then when they emerge with these huge (and beautiful) extra limbs that aren't necessarily easy to control at first.....and now they aren't firmly stuck to the ground and crawl from place to place but they can fly....flutter from one flower to another. So free and fun...flower to flower...tree to tree...and then....BUT then "new" predators - birds and bats flying around with them looking for beautiful butterflies.
lol...okay, so this wasn't suppose to be a morbid depiction of where I'm at in life...but I feel it illustrates not only the sovereignty of God but that even the new, the good, the exciting, can be hard and stressful, but rewarding. With EVERYTHING in me...I know I've healed, am healing, and will be completely transformed...and I want that immensely....but flying around in this new freedom, this new life...is scary...it's thrilling...and...well...NEW!
I have been so blessed to have friends and acquaintances seek me out because of their current experiences...but it's scary to be in this new place of responsibility and vulnerability. I feel as though I have survived a season of darkness...and death...and honestly emerged...truly emerged transformed...but that former season is not to be taken lightly.....so in no way do I want to help others walk through their struggle as though it's easy....plus witnessing struggle is difficult and even more so difficult to not try and rescue ...so I understand why many bail. But this new "jewel to my crown" only means I must stay that much more vulnerable and accountable...and I love that....but it's also more frightening and real? But then whoever looks at the butterfly and questions their past?
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard Shaw
Revelation: I love and fear vulnerability, but it's only in those moments that I grow more into the woman I want to be.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, 45 minutes playing and walking puppy, talking to a friend about my ups and downs.
What I heard myself say today: "Sin doesn't turn God from me, sin turns me from God."
What hurt: realizing I'm truly leaving my old self behind. Packing up, throwing away, donating things...makes it all so real. Also knowing two of my friends are going through really difficult times that I can relate to on many levels.
What felt good: donating some great things (hope some of friends don't read this...lol)
What feed my soul: dinner with my friend, and joining Love146.
Bonus of the day: looking into organizing a mission trip to Cambodia
I started 2012 with "Health" as my word for the year...however, three months in...and not much to show for it...lol....I'm feeling a different word materialize..."Transformation!" This word is glamorous in theory...and conjures up mental pictures of butterflies and Eat, Pray, Love moments, and while the caterpillar/butterfly picture is a fantastic metaphor...I often forget that it involves going into the cocoon, dying, and then breaking free to a new life. A new life that involves things I've never seen before. It involves a lot of inbetweens and moments of uncertainty. All good, all important...but not all fun or predictable. Think about it....
A caterpillar...while it's instinctual for them to go into the cocoon...I wonder how eager they are to stay there during the "dying phase." And then when they emerge with these huge (and beautiful) extra limbs that aren't necessarily easy to control at first.....and now they aren't firmly stuck to the ground and crawl from place to place but they can fly....flutter from one flower to another. So free and fun...flower to flower...tree to tree...and then....BUT then "new" predators - birds and bats flying around with them looking for beautiful butterflies.
lol...okay, so this wasn't suppose to be a morbid depiction of where I'm at in life...but I feel it illustrates not only the sovereignty of God but that even the new, the good, the exciting, can be hard and stressful, but rewarding. With EVERYTHING in me...I know I've healed, am healing, and will be completely transformed...and I want that immensely....but flying around in this new freedom, this new life...is scary...it's thrilling...and...well...NEW!
I have been so blessed to have friends and acquaintances seek me out because of their current experiences...but it's scary to be in this new place of responsibility and vulnerability. I feel as though I have survived a season of darkness...and death...and honestly emerged...truly emerged transformed...but that former season is not to be taken lightly.....so in no way do I want to help others walk through their struggle as though it's easy....plus witnessing struggle is difficult and even more so difficult to not try and rescue ...so I understand why many bail. But this new "jewel to my crown" only means I must stay that much more vulnerable and accountable...and I love that....but it's also more frightening and real? But then whoever looks at the butterfly and questions their past?
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard Shaw
Revelation: I love and fear vulnerability, but it's only in those moments that I grow more into the woman I want to be.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, 45 minutes playing and walking puppy, talking to a friend about my ups and downs.
What I heard myself say today: "Sin doesn't turn God from me, sin turns me from God."
What hurt: realizing I'm truly leaving my old self behind. Packing up, throwing away, donating things...makes it all so real. Also knowing two of my friends are going through really difficult times that I can relate to on many levels.
What felt good: donating some great things (hope some of friends don't read this...lol)
What feed my soul: dinner with my friend, and joining Love146.
Bonus of the day: looking into organizing a mission trip to Cambodia
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