Okay this is going to be a difficult one...read at your own discretion..lol
Today was a day of discoveries. Not in some of the ways you might think...and not even in some of ways I would want (treasure hunting on a beach next to crystal clear water). Today was about discovering new levels of my heart that I didn't know existed. I think we all set caps on our levels of love, our abilities to embrace unconditionally.
I had two of the most uncomfortable yet profoundly impacting counseling sessions of my career...today!!! TWO in one day...you have no idea. In both of these sessions I was faced with difficult, gray area issues that left me questioning myself and my ability to really help.
I know deeply (very deeply) that I'm called to those that are brokenhearted and desperate, those walking in the fringes of life...and honestly, I'm often times surprised at the issues that THAT commitment can mean. And truthfully, while I love this calling I often have to listen very closely for the whisper and unction of God....and THAT is intimidating at times. Especially when dealing with issues that so many mock, judge and punish loooonnnngggg before they know the reasons behind the behavior.
On this day, I realized a level of love that, yes I have felt before, but I guess I've never recognized I was able to handle much less respond to. Once I read a quote by Mother Theresa that said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And it's weird but I truly believe this with my entire being, because i have found when I really try to learn the hurt of another I only discover reasons for compassion and an even bigger belief in the healing power of God. I, also see how secrets and hidden pain lead to more secrets and hidden pain...especially when met primarily with judgement and rejection.
Now, I say none of this to ignore God's absolutes. I am a firm and deeply committed believer in God's absolutes...but I often wonder "WWJD." lol Seriously though. It was Jesus that ate and talked with the despised, unlovely and unwanted of the world. He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, healed the leper and the blind man, ate with the tax collectors, comforted the children, and saved the life of the adulterous woman (and that's just to name a few). He also befriended and discipled a lot of misfits and flakes...lol
And this isn't an attempt to somehow do away with the knowledge of protecting one's heart or understanding the absolute necessity of boundaries...but it sure does broaden the levels of the capacity to love and be loved. It also helps me to look differently at those questioning life, their life, their beliefs, their past, their sexuality, their decisions, their pain, their truth...and push it through the grid of WWJD.
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: John 4
Revelation: that even when someone questions the most basic of things....there is usually a hurt or confusion behind it.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, but didn't get to workout unless you consider the workout my ears got 7 sessions later. :)
What I heard myself say today: "There's no judgement here, but I want you to examine why you feel that is true for you. Plus, I think your fantastic the way you are, but why are you, you?"
What hurt: seeing my girls' cry because they feel so lost or rejected, and oh do I know the power of rejection!
What felt good: helping my girls through a lot of gray and maybe bringing a smile to their face...even for a second.
What fed my soul: my co-worker Kathy. Somehow she is always able to make me feel a little more sane and productive as a therapist. "Brooke you're right were you should be. And sorry, but you're called to this, God called you to this." Thanks? lol
Bonus of the day: possibly going to Thailand????? maybe maybe maybe....ahhhhhh