So recently.....there's been a lot going on. To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it WAY to lightly...however, it seems God's voice becomes that much louder in the midst of my craziness...and this season would prove to be no different.
I started 2012 with "Health" as my word for the year...however, three months in...and not much to show for it...lol....I'm feeling a different word materialize..."Transformation!" This word is glamorous in theory...and conjures up mental pictures of butterflies and Eat, Pray, Love moments, and while the caterpillar/butterfly picture is a fantastic metaphor...I often forget that it involves going into the cocoon, dying, and then breaking free to a new life. A new life that involves things I've never seen before. It involves a lot of inbetweens and moments of uncertainty. All good, all important...but not all fun or predictable. Think about it....
A caterpillar...while it's instinctual for them to go into the cocoon...I wonder how eager they are to stay there during the "dying phase." And then when they emerge with these huge (and beautiful) extra limbs that aren't necessarily easy to control at first.....and now they aren't firmly stuck to the ground and crawl from place to place but they can fly....flutter from one flower to another. So free and fun...flower to flower...tree to tree...and then....BUT then "new" predators - birds and bats flying around with them looking for beautiful butterflies.
lol...okay, so this wasn't suppose to be a morbid depiction of where I'm at in life...but I feel it illustrates not only the sovereignty of God but that even the new, the good, the exciting, can be hard and stressful, but rewarding. With EVERYTHING in me...I know I've healed, am healing, and will be completely transformed...and I want that immensely....but flying around in this new freedom, this new life...is scary...it's thrilling...and...well...NEW!
I have been so blessed to have friends and acquaintances seek me out because of their current experiences...but it's scary to be in this new place of responsibility and vulnerability. I feel as though I have survived a season of darkness...and death...and honestly emerged...truly emerged transformed...but that former season is not to be taken lightly.....so in no way do I want to help others walk through their struggle as though it's easy....plus witnessing struggle is difficult and even more so difficult to not try and rescue ...so I understand why many bail. But this new "jewel to my crown" only means I must stay that much more vulnerable and accountable...and I love that....but it's also more frightening and real? But then whoever looks at the butterfly and questions their past?
The Transformation path:
What I've read (that meant something to me) today: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard Shaw
Revelation: I love and fear vulnerability, but it's only in those moments that I grow more into the woman I want to be.
Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, 45 minutes playing and walking puppy, talking to a friend about my ups and downs.
What I heard myself say today: "Sin doesn't turn God from me, sin turns me from God."
What hurt: realizing I'm truly leaving my old self behind. Packing up, throwing away, donating things...makes it all so real. Also knowing two of my friends are going through really difficult times that I can relate to on many levels.
What felt good: donating some great things (hope some of friends don't read this...lol)
What feed my soul: dinner with my friend, and joining Love146.
Bonus of the day: looking into organizing a mission trip to Cambodia