Tomorrow, will be a year since, what I thought would be, my life forever and permanently changed.....well at least...legally. CRAZY!!!
In this past year I have seen, experienced, loved, lost, and moved on from many things. I have traveled a bit, met a lot of people, lost a few friends, moved in and out of one hellish roommate situation, moved into a good situation, had a birthday, changed my hair color, forgot to exercise (for way to long), helped start my church, fell in love with my nephews, welcomed my parents back home, witnessed my friends having more babies, possibly found love again, leaned heavily on family and friends, made a lot of calls (some good, some bad), absorbed a lot of wisdom, did some really dumb (fun) things, listened to a lot of country, watched WAY to many movies, gone on auntie dates, and hopefully helped a few people along the way...none of which happened in that order. Ohhhh and lets definitely not forget I prayed, prayed, prayed, worshiped a lot and prayed some more. And I remembered!!!
I remember that there were moments when I thought I could not breath. I remember thoughts of being judged and misunderstood by family and friends. I remember hours of phone calls crying til I could not bring myself to cry another tear. I remember spaces of time that felt as though I would never recover, never laugh again, never love again. I remember hearing so many words of wisdom and advice. I remember hearing whispers of what others thought I was or was not doing. And I remember many trips to friends and my parents (when they were in TX) homes that brought both reality and life to me. THEN....then...there were pockets of time where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be okay. I knew that God had rescued me somehow, that I would somehow someday find my way back...be happy again... could.believe I had a future and hope.
Well I am not sure I found my way back, per se, but like a different way, a new way to look at life. In reflection, it seemed I never really followed my heart when it came to love and relationships. In career, location, friendships, school, travel...I absolutely followed my heart, I clung to what I felt God was telling me, but when it came to matters of the heart...somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my heart and ability to hear Gods voice and allowed others to tell me what was best, right for me. I somehow avoided the truth God said about me, and what He wanted for my life, and clung to the idea that I was not worthy of true love, and would never truly be loved for who I am. WHY because I believed I was to much, to inconsistent, to opinionated, to flaky, to ugly, to fat, to average....just to....blah blah.
In no way am I trying to promote a humanistic way of thinking, but I truly do think in this last year I have learned to value my heart, my passions, and my life. God rules all of it, but it is amazing to reflect and realize how much I compromised because I just did not want to be wrong. I did not want to be overlooked. I did not want to be lonely or even worse avoided because perhaps my life did not line up with others plans for me. I know, I know...this sounds all Oprah-ish, but the last year for me, with all its hardships, sleepless nights, joyful moments and amazing encounters...I learned one thing....be true to myself...listen to my heart....for only I know what God is speaking to me, and what my heart honestly wants for my life.