Friday, November 9, 2012

A Year Ago Today...well almost

Tomorrow, will be a year since, what I thought would be, my life forever and permanently changed.....well at least...legally.  CRAZY!!!

In this past year I have seen, experienced, loved, lost, and moved on from many things. I have traveled a bit, met a lot of people, lost a few friends, moved in and out of one hellish roommate situation, moved into a good situation, had a birthday, changed my hair color, forgot to exercise (for way to long), helped start my church, fell in love with my nephews, welcomed my parents back home, witnessed my friends having more babies, possibly found love again, leaned heavily on family and friends, made a lot of calls (some good, some bad), absorbed a lot of wisdom, did some really dumb (fun) things, listened to a lot of country, watched WAY to many movies, gone on auntie dates, and hopefully helped a few people along the way...none of which happened in that order. Ohhhh and lets definitely not forget I prayed, prayed, prayed, worshiped a lot and prayed some more. And I remembered!!!

I remember that there were moments when I thought I could not breath. I remember thoughts of being judged and misunderstood by family and friends. I remember hours of phone calls crying til I could not bring myself to cry another tear. I remember spaces of time that felt as though I would never recover, never laugh again, never love again. I remember hearing so many words of wisdom and advice. I remember hearing whispers of what others thought I was or was not doing. And I remember many trips to friends and my parents (when they were in TX) homes that brought both reality and life to me. THEN....then...there were pockets of time where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be okay. I knew that God had rescued me somehow, that I would somehow someday find my way back...be happy again... could.believe I had a future and hope.

Well I am not sure I found my way back, per se, but like a different way, a new way to look at life. In reflection, it seemed I never really followed my heart when it came to love and relationships. In career, location, friendships, school, travel...I absolutely followed my heart, I clung to what I felt God was telling me, but when it came to matters of the heart...somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my heart and ability to hear Gods voice and allowed others to tell me what was best, right for me. I somehow avoided the truth God said about me, and what He wanted for my life, and clung to the idea that I was not worthy of true love, and would never truly be loved for who I am. WHY because I believed I was to much, to inconsistent, to opinionated, to flaky, to ugly, to fat, to average....just to....blah blah.

In no way am I trying to promote a humanistic way of thinking, but I truly do think in this last year I have learned to value my heart, my passions, and my life. God rules all of it, but it is amazing to reflect and realize how much I compromised because I just did not want to be wrong. I did not want to be overlooked. I did not want to be lonely or even worse avoided because perhaps my life did not line up with others plans for me. I know, I know...this sounds all Oprah-ish, but the last year for me, with all its hardships, sleepless nights, joyful moments and amazing encounters...I learned one thing....be true to myself...listen to my heart....for only I know what God is speaking to me, and what my heart honestly wants for my life.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

a dog and his vomit

I've been thinking a lot about what living a life of purpose looks like, and somewhere between my Bible, honest conversation/prayer and Oprah's magazine I've started to wonder what HAVE I been doing with my life?!?! Don't get me wrong...I love my life. I have a job I am passionate about, friends I admire and depend on, amazing family I actually enjoy being around...  and now recently added...an apartment (and roommate) that I adore...yet....YET there seems a longing for more...or maybe it's something missing? Or maybe it's just God's stirring...and like so many times before I've been restless without any clarity of "why".

In reflection of times similar to this, I would normally start to look into language classes, missions trips, new hobbies, something new to medicate the stirring or longing. And well honestly I'm doing that even know...because I do find the value in creating a life worth living...but after all the lessons I've learned...I'm trying my hardest to just sit and listen...sit and WAIT...sit and go through it.

Here's what I find interesting in this season...or phase...or transition...whatever you want to call it. When I feel this restlessness, this stirring...almost like a urning...I WANT IT TO STOP. I'm more likely to try to jump over it, medicate it, at least do something to help it fade somewhat rather then press in and hear God....but even worse then all that...I find I fight reaching back to the past. Past activities, things, people to find some sort of comfort, some sense of security. As though the past (that I've left behind for good reason) is going to help somehow stabilize my feelings and fear enough to move struggle free into the future? I'm tempted because I'm scared that the future won't feel as real as the past? Well....maybe? But mostly it's because i'm concerned the stirring and restlessness isn't authentic and that it's so vague and uncertain that I can't trust it...or rather I don't know if I want to trust it...TRUST that God is moving me into the direction of a new thing...a better thing...something HE has destined for me.

....And then the images start...I think about Peter (2 Peter 2:22) reflecting on Proverbs, "Of them the proverbs are true: "A dog returns to its vomit," and, "A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud." It kind of makes me laugh...because I can actually see my puppy going back to her yuckiness and thinking..."well it was originally good, right?" Course we think, just picturing it,...gross...disgusting...I feel nauseous...BUT seriously how often do we do that? Reaching back to past relationships, past behaviors, past thinking and beliefs...all the time justifying..."well it worked that one time," or, "it started out as a good thing," or even better, "I'm sure now things are different because I'm different so I can handle it differently." NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm telling myself that as much as I'm shouting that out to the universe. 


The WHOLE point of Peter addressing the above proverb was to emphasize the lunacy of that behavior. Course that doesn't make it any easier I know...just because we recognize something as unhealthy, dysfunctional...even crazy making doesn't mean that "old, familiar, and comfortable" aren't just as tempting as they have been before...however, I'd pose this question(s) to both you and me. "What if reaching back is the very reason we aren't moving forward...moving on...actually trusting God?" What if the hurdle of eating our own vomit or going back to the mud hole grosses out our future????


Sure it's comfortable and sure it might give momentary relief, but the old is the old...and many times, in the past, because it served it's purpose but is now no longer useful. Or in my case the past is the past because it was not only NOT good for the direction of my life and heart but caused me to lose focus, lose faith and lose my way. I mean if I reach back,eat my own yuckiness, or wallow in my own comfort level what's the overall cost. The time wasted on my own guilt/conviction! The emotions wasted on ONCE AGAIN learning the lesson! The mental energy wasted once again recovering and processing!


Doesn't seem like vomit's all that worth it.  



Sunday, June 10, 2012

How many piles of rocks have you moved today?

This might be a difficult one for me to blog about...not because it's crazy complicated or anything. It's difficult because, in concept it's so simple (or should be), yet the action, carrying it out challenges almost all sense of logic, comfort and...well let's be honest....safety. I'm not saying Faith is a threat to personal safety as in "Yah! We have faith now let's play Russian roulette. OR how about cliff diving without a parachute." (This is where...if you know me and can picture this...I would roll my eyes, give you the look and walk away if I was "challenged" with these examples as arguments....YET if you knew me better I might remark...nope...He just wants you to get out of the boat and walk on water. Shouldn't be a problem right?) :) But seriously, I mean it more in the sense of our comfort levels.

What usually dictates our move from A to B? What normally helps us pick between this belief or that one? What commonly aids our decisions in staying or going, settling or expanding, stopping or moving forward...is it faith? or is it fear? If we really got honest with ourselves how many of us would admit that we have made decisions stating we felt "peace" but in the end it just felt like the safest option? The most innocuous and (let's just say it) inexpensive move. Harmless, innocent, benign....all great words in appropriate context...but has God called us to a benign, harmless, inexpensive, safe faith? NO!

He has called us into a faith that is reverent, Yes, but also into a faith that is radical. A faith that is not all logical and safe. One thing my brother said in service today that shook me, was when he reference the Law of Creation as God's faith in action. God spoke, "Let there be Light and there was light...Let the water be separated from the Land..." In any of that did God doubt that what he spoke forth would be created? Absolutely not...and similarly Jesus told us, in Mark 11:23 "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him," Jesus said, "I only do those things I see the Father doing." Aren't we suppose be doing what Christ does...is that what Christianity is all about...becoming a Christ follower???? So if God spoke without doubt in His heart...and Jesus spoke without doubt in His heart...then we are to....


What if our lack of faith is fear dictated by our own doubt. Doubt in our ability to hear God clearly because our fear is it might not be the "right" voice. Doubt in our capabilities, strength, brain power, finances, relationships because our fear is they are not good enough. Doubt in His willingness to come through and provide because our fear is He doesn't want to or needs to teach us a lesson (spanking intended). Doubts about His actual feelings towards us because our fear is we are unlovable or unacceptable. I love it in Mark 9:23 & 24 when a father that has sought out Jesus to heal his son but slips and tells Jesus (sort of indirectly) that he's not sure if Jesus can. Jesus responds, " If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." And I love the father's statement in v. 24, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."  Jesus heals the little boy despite the fathers seed of doubt...and i would wonder...do you think the father speaking it out...acknowledging his fear..his unbelief might have prompted Jesus to heal the little boy and moreover heal the father's seed of doubt?

I hear so much of myself in the father's response. I would be like..."no Jesus really, I came all this way, OBVIOUSLY I know you can!. I know you are capable. You're the Creator, the Messiah, the Savior, I have no doubt you can." Then it would hit me. He's right...there's this tiny fear. This little seed of doubt that is saying...I don't know if He will. I don't know if He wants to! Then I would say (hopefully)...Lord please help my unbelief!

I, many times, doubt God's willingness to work in my life, to speak and say the impossible and then my ability to walk it out...because I doubt Him..i doubt that he wants to...and then I doubt myself. I doubt that i'm worthy of love or being loved. I doubt I am "saved enough," living correctly, forgiven. And many of us can sit here and read these words and think..."Oh Brooke of course you are. Poor, poor, poor girl...she just doesn't get it." But then when we examine our own belief...our own level of faith???? 

Christ said it would only take the faith of a mustard seed to move the mountains. And I truly believe with everything in me...those mountains can be struggles, interpersonal, spiritual...even NATURAL...but I would ask...how many mountains have you moved today???? Have you even moved a rock?


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Taming One of The Most Dangerous Parts of The Body

Prior to reading this blog please take the time to read James 3...


My brother delivered an unbelievable, convicting and sobering sermon today. As of today (Sunday, May 27th) he has started a new series entitled "Tongue Pierced?"...addressing the power of our words...and how are your words submitted to the reality of Christ...all the negative, reality, positive and inbetween.


Anywho...one scripture out of the many he used hit me like a brick wall...Proverbs 18:21, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Life AND death? We'll EAT the fruit of the words we speak out?


If I possess the power to speak life or death into people....wow...what am I saying? What am I confessing over others? Over myself? It was convicting on a personal level because how many times, just today, have i said..."Brooke you need to lose weight," "Brooke you are ridiculous," "Brooke you are to much." Are these words binding me to a fate I didn't realize? What do I say over other people? I know I try my absolute hardest to remain positive and encouraging with others...but I know I have moments. I know there are moments I can harpoon someone without even thinking? The guy who cuts me off? The lady that almost runs me over in the grocery store. The teen that is resistant and disrespectful. How about what we confess over ourselves or others in the moments we feel rejected, unwanted, used up, no longer valued, lonely or confused. 


Again, I have literally heard this scripture a million times...but it hit me differently today. 


Why today? 


I wasn't really sure....then I started to think (I know...SURPRISING) I have noticed a huge change in my words and heart attitude over the last few months (yay! points for me...lol...yeah right). One of the ways is that I have become much more focused on living more simple and quiet. I mean don't get me wrong...I will probably always be a social butterfly...with lots to talk about (travel, food, activities, the Bible, etc)..but my opinions...my judgments are less and less necessary....less and less spoken. I will probably always want to help others...but I understand my perspective might not always be welcomed...and really....I have come to accept that not everyone wants, values or cares what I have to say for the simply reason that I am judged or not acknowledged for mistakes in my past. And HONESTLY...that's okay. (Life lesson...only the humbled and broken accept the hand that reaches out to help...it's the prideful and dishonest that dismiss wisdom and find those that approve)

I am grateful for how I have changed...and some of that has been recently tested and exposed...but it doesn't mean I should look past the areas that are not submitted and unchallenged. I appreciate the sermon today...because i realize I no longer measure myself based on what I do good and thus subtracting from what I do wrong...I want to be completely whole, committed, transformed and pure. I also want more of God..and if that means I have to expose areas of myself that have yet to die OR might be to afraid to submit and try...well then...I want to do that...if I have to be willing to let go of any good enough or less then thing...the fear must bow...however, my responsibility is to still keep what I believe (my heart) in line with what comes out of my mouth (confession)...and then I have be willing to submit that maybe if what continues to come out of my mouth hasn't changed maybe that part of my heart needs to be changed. 


If I'm spouting unbelief in an area of my life...maybe I don't believe...if I am judgmental about certain actions because I'm afraid of what it might mean about God... maybe I'm not ready to minister..and maybe if my heart remains closed to an areas of hope and depth because I don't understand them...maybe I'm limiting God? So the power of my words...if they are pushed through a grid not submitted, or at least washed heavily in the grace of God, what power am I using....life or death???? 


Dear Lord thank you for grace and mercy....because this little tongue needs a LOT of piercing. LOL

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Reflecting on fire

More then once in the last couple of days I've had friends mention that my Facebook status' have seemed "deep" and reflective. This was definitely not intentional, but I guess it's true. Lately, I have been rather reflective, or maybe a better way to say it is deeply grateful for and inspired by the last two years.

Two years ago I didn't think I was going to be able to survive much less ever foresee myself happy or fulfilled again. One year ago I thought the pain might swallow me whole, causing me to vanish completely. A year ago, there were moments I couldn't breath without tears in my eyes. I remember pacing in my room for a hour, crying out with everything inside of me, begging God to make it stop. In those moments I understood despair, regret, shame, humiliation...but even more...I understood that only God (and the friends He placed in my life) could carry me through.

So you might see why, in reflection and gratefulness, I am humbled and surprised to say I'm more content and happy then ever (knock on wood). If you asked my dad, he would say that he's never seen me so settled, adjusted and happy. "You're back. You're back to normal," he says with every ounce of southern drawl emphasizing his sincerity. lol oh la papa! But it's true!!! I have found myself content with a simpler, more productive and peaceful life. Maybe not always drama free (I still have my job) but consistent, steady and...well...I'll say it again...peaceful.

Why? Well that's where the reflective piece comes in. I've been thinking about the beauty of pain. I truly believe pain and brokenness can be a purging, a way to force the wrong, yucky and dark places of our hearts to surface. My mind pictures the refiners fire. The picture of the fire boiling out the impurities in the gold and silver. All that heat, all the process, causes the metal to become that much purer, that much more beautiful and desirable. That much more workable. And, of course, as with everything we have a choice when faced with those impurities. Many times we might run, avoid at all cost, seek refuge in other people, substances, things. Other times we might turn and face them, work through it, find a way back. Owning and taking responsibility for all the undesirable, hard things about ourselves. And for me...I think I did a little bit of it all.

I definitely ran at first. I didn't...couldn't face my reality. I couldn't see how any of it was fair much less how any of part of it could have been a little bit of me. But eventually I decided to turn and face it. Sit in my emotion and pain. Confront the areas of my own heart and soul that were not easy to own, but necessary to get to the other side if I wanted to be healthy again. Surprisingly, what I found was the pain became less, my mind got more quiet, and my heart and spirit began to expand.  I discovered joy in areas of life I had overlooked before. I learned how to hear God's voice through the storm, and I developed a confidence and strength that has been surprising.

When you're in pain, when you're broken it feels as though that will always be the case. But there is always another day, another side to your story. Out of the ashes God can and WILL create a thing of beauty. And while I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone...I am so very grateful for the peace and joy I have now.






Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Discoveries of WWJD

Okay this is going to be a difficult one...read at your own discretion..lol


Today was a day of discoveries. Not in some of the ways you might think...and not even in some of ways I would want (treasure hunting on a beach next to crystal clear water). Today was about discovering new levels of my heart that I didn't know existed. I think we all set caps on our levels of love, our abilities to embrace unconditionally.


I had two of the most uncomfortable yet profoundly impacting counseling sessions of my career...today!!! TWO in one day...you have no idea. In both of these sessions I was faced with difficult, gray area issues that left me questioning myself and my ability to really help.


I know deeply (very deeply) that I'm called to those that are brokenhearted and desperate, those walking in the fringes of life...and honestly, I'm often times surprised at the issues that THAT commitment can mean. And truthfully, while I love this calling I often have to listen very closely for the whisper and unction of God....and THAT is intimidating at times. Especially when dealing with issues that so many mock, judge and punish loooonnnngggg before they know the reasons behind the behavior.


On this day, I realized a level of love that, yes I have felt before, but I guess I've never recognized I was able to handle much less respond to. Once I read a quote by Mother Theresa that said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And it's weird but I truly believe this with my entire being, because i have found when I really try to learn the hurt of another I only discover reasons for compassion and an even bigger belief in the healing power of God. I, also see how secrets and hidden pain lead to more secrets and hidden pain...especially when met primarily with judgement and rejection. 


Now, I say none of this to ignore God's absolutes. I am a firm and deeply committed believer in God's absolutes...but I often wonder "WWJD." lol Seriously though. It was Jesus that ate and talked with the despised, unlovely and unwanted of the world. He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, healed the leper and the blind man, ate with the tax collectors, comforted the children, and saved the life of the adulterous woman (and that's just to name a few). He also befriended and discipled a lot of misfits and flakes...lol 


And this isn't an attempt to somehow do away with the knowledge of protecting one's heart or understanding the absolute necessity of boundaries...but it sure does broaden the levels of the capacity to love and be loved. It also helps me to look differently at those questioning life, their life, their beliefs, their past, their sexuality, their decisions, their pain, their truth...and push it through the grid of WWJD.  


The Transformation path:


What I've read (that meant something to me) today: John 4


Revelation: that even when someone questions the most basic of things....there is usually a hurt or confusion behind it. 


Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, but didn't get to workout unless you consider the workout my ears got 7 sessions later. :)


What I heard myself say today: "There's no judgement here, but I want you to examine why you feel that is true for you. Plus, I think your fantastic the way you are, but why are you, you?"

What hurt: seeing my girls' cry because they feel so lost or rejected, and oh do I know the power of rejection!


What felt good: helping my girls through a lot of gray and maybe bringing a smile to their face...even for a second.


What fed my soul: my co-worker Kathy. Somehow she is always able to make me feel a little more sane and productive as a therapist. "Brooke you're right were you should be. And sorry, but you're called to this, God called you to this." Thanks? lol 

Bonus of the day: possibly going to Thailand????? maybe maybe maybe....ahhhhhh

WWJD discoveries

Okay this is going to be a difficult one...read at your own discretion..lol

Today was a day of discoveries. Not in some of the ways you might think...and not even in some of ways I would want (treasure hunting on a beach next to crystal clear water). Today was about discovering new levels of my heart that I didn't know existed. I think we all set caps on our levels of love, our abilities to embrace unconditionally.

I had two of the most uncomfortable yet profoundly impacting counseling sessions of my career...today!!! TWO in one day...you have no idea. In both of these sessions I was faced with difficult, gray area issues that left me questioning myself and my ability to really help.

I know deeply (very deeply) that I'm called to those that are brokenhearted and desperate, those walking in the fringes of life...and honestly, I'm often times surprised at the issues that THAT commitment can mean. And truthfully, while I love this calling I often have to listen very closely for the whisper and unction of God....and THAT is intimidating at times. Especially when dealing with issues that so many mock, judge and punish loooonnnngggg before they know the reasons behind the behavior.

On this day, I realized a level of love that, yes I have felt before, but I guess I've never recognized I was able to handle much less respond to. Once I read a quote by Mother Theresa that said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And it's weird but I truly believe this with my entire being, because i have found when I really try to learn the hurt of another I only discover reasons for compassion and an even bigger belief in the healing power of God. I, also see how secrets and hidden pain lead to more secrets and hidden pain...especially when met primarily with judgement and rejection. 


Now, I say none of this to ignore God's absolutes. I am a firm and deeply committed believer in God's absolutes...but I often wonder "WWJD." lol Seriously though. It was Jesus that ate and talked with the despised, unlovely and unwanted of the world. He talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, healed the leper and the blind man, ate with the tax collectors, comforted the children, and saved the life of the adulterous woman (and that's just to name a few). He also befriended and discipled a lot of misfits and flakes...lol 


And this isn't an attempt to somehow do away with the knowledge of protecting one's heart or understanding the absolute necessity of boundaries...but it sure does broaden the levels of the capacity to love and be loved. It also helps me to look differently at those questioning life, their life, their beliefs, their past, their sexuality, their decisions, their pain, their truth...and push it through the grid of WWJD.  

The Transformation path:

What I've read (that meant something to me) today: John 4

Revelation: that even when someone questions the most basic of things....there is usually a hurt or confusion behind it. 

Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, but didn't get to workout unless you consider the workout my ears got 7 sessions later. :)

What I heard myself say today: "There's no judgement here, but I want you to examine why you feel that is true for you. Plus, I think your fantastic the way you are, but why are you, you?"

What hurt: seeing my girls' cry because they feel so lost or rejected, and oh do I know the power of rejection!

What felt good: helping my girls through a lot of gray and maybe bringing a smile to their face...even for a second.

What fed my soul: my co-worker Kathy. Somehow she is always able to make me feel a little more sane and productive as a therapist. "Brooke you're right were you should be. And sorry, but you're called to this, God called you to this." Thanks? lol 

Bonus of the day: possibly going to Thailand????? maybe maybe maybe....ahhhhhh

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Transformation

So recently.....there's been a lot going on. To say I'm overwhelmed would be putting it WAY to lightly...however, it seems God's voice becomes that much louder in the midst of my craziness...and this season would prove to be no different.

I started 2012 with "Health" as my word for the year...however, three months in...and not much to show for it...lol....I'm feeling a different word materialize..."Transformation!" This word is glamorous in theory...and conjures up mental pictures of butterflies and Eat, Pray, Love moments, and while the caterpillar/butterfly picture is a fantastic metaphor...I often forget that it involves going into the cocoon, dying, and then breaking free to a new life. A new life that involves things I've never seen before. It involves a lot of inbetweens and moments of uncertainty. All good, all important...but not all fun or predictable. Think about it....

A caterpillar...while it's instinctual for them to go into the cocoon...I wonder how eager they are to stay there during the "dying phase." And then when they emerge with these huge (and beautiful) extra limbs that aren't necessarily easy to control at first.....and now they aren't firmly stuck to the ground and crawl from place to place but they can fly....flutter from one flower to another. So free and fun...flower to flower...tree to tree...and then....BUT then "new" predators - birds and bats flying around with them looking for beautiful butterflies.


lol...okay, so this wasn't suppose to be a morbid depiction of where I'm at in life...but I feel it illustrates not only the sovereignty of God but that even the new, the good, the exciting, can be hard and stressful, but rewarding. With EVERYTHING in me...I know I've healed, am healing, and will be completely transformed...and I want that immensely....but flying around in this new freedom, this new life...is scary...it's thrilling...and...well...NEW!

I have been so blessed to have friends and acquaintances seek me out because of their current experiences...but it's scary to be in this new place of responsibility and vulnerability. I feel as though I have survived a season of darkness...and death...and honestly emerged...truly emerged transformed...but that former season is not to be taken lightly.....so in no way do I want to help others walk through their struggle as though it's easy....plus witnessing struggle is difficult and even more so difficult to not try and rescue ...so I understand why many bail. But this new "jewel to my crown" only means I must stay that much more vulnerable and accountable...and I love that....but it's also more frightening and real? But then whoever looks at the butterfly and questions their past?

The Transformation path:

What I've read (that meant something to me) today: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard Shaw

Revelation: I love and fear vulnerability, but it's only in those moments that I grow more into the woman I want to be.

Healthy choices (food, exercise, emotional): Salads galore, 45 minutes playing and walking puppy, talking to a friend about my ups and downs.

What I heard myself say today: "Sin doesn't turn God from me, sin turns me from God."


What hurt: realizing I'm truly leaving my old self behind. Packing up, throwing away, donating things...makes it all so real. Also knowing two of my friends are going through really difficult times that I can relate to on many levels. 

What felt good: donating some great things (hope some of friends don't read this...lol)

What feed my soul: dinner with my friend, and joining Love146.


Bonus of the day: looking into organizing a mission trip to Cambodia

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Humbled

Today at church I had a powerful encounter with God.

I woke up this morning with this nervous energy that I could not explain. Normally I'm not a great morning person (coffee x 2 is my friend), but at 7:00 a.m. I was up and at 'em, ready for the day. But it didn't matter what I was doing I couldn't shake the feeling that I was going to hear from God today. My heart pounded loudly (and this was pre-coffee).

Today at Legacy we had a special speaker. My family's long time friend Greg Fritz came to minister, and I have to admit I sort of wanted to blend into the wall. lol Seriously though...I had this weird feeling that can only be explained as a deep knowing, that he (Greg) was going to prophesy over me. Funny thing is when Greg stepped up to take the mic...almost immediately...he stated, "I don't consider myself to be a prophet." I felt myself relaxed...lol (no idea why I was so scared of being prophesied over), but then he said something to the effect of, "But I'm not sure I need to preach today. I think I want to just pray over people." CRAP!!!!

lol...okay so long story short...Greg began to pray over me and I literally felt my body began to shake. I couldn't stop it. Now if you know me...I'm not really a "fall under the power", Holy Spirit heebie jeebies person (although I can't deny it's happened to me before)...but I could feel the awesome Power of God all over me. As though he was surrounding me. What followed were some of the most healing  and personally transforming words that I could never do justice, so I will only paraphrase.

"God uses you everyday in your profession and in those around you. He wants you to begin to take your knowledge and connect it with the Spirt. Pray in the Spirit like never before. This is going to be key to taking you into the new and increased season of your life. Greater wisdom, you are going to increase in wisdom. Things people have never been able to heal or understand, you are going to have the answer for. God is going to do much through you and despite you. He is also going to bless you despite you, and the reason for this is because you will tell everyone and anyone that, 'It's God and only God.'There is much plan for you Brooke. Get ready!"

He then began to speak over my past pain, "You have already lived through many of your storms, and you are better for it. Because of this you will be able to reach more and more people, but besides that God has better and more for you. You are pure and clean. You are not ruined. We all make mistakes and you are not defined by your past. Do NOT believe the lies of the enemy. The things he (Satan) tries to tell you. You are beautiful, you are worthy. Now you will move into your future. God is healing and restoring your heart, you are a completely different person, and better for it. He has such good things planned. Don't look back to the past and think you are disqualified. God is now and going to us you mightly. Your future is bright."

I am humbled by this word for me. Even right now I'm fighting back tears. I just think it's crazy that God remembered me and chose to remind me today how He feels about me...and he did it through a man that I not only respect but I know for a fact only speaks truth and therefore I can trust his words. Also, to feel the presence of God is such a way....it's...well...it's another awakening.

Friday, January 27, 2012

So my uncle says...

My Uncle and I have been reading this incredible book. It's an out of the box, not easily read (if lazy) type of read. From this book (and ultimate challenge from the message of the book) my Uncle has started to challenge me to write a book about my experiences, about those I am passionate about. He thinks there are things i can communicate and give out of my experience and (definitely) with the age range I work with. But here's the dilemma....what would I say? What in the world would I say?

The Way of Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman (the book we're reading) is one of the most extraordinary works of fiction/non-fiction?)...that not only challenges our intellect but our pursues of passions and interest. It will tweak your brain in a way that is unexplainable and beyond words.

In recent days I have felt this weird understanding that I'm called to something bigger then myself. It's not a expectation or even a want...it's an internal passion that has ultimately drawn out the deepest parts of me (hope that doesn't sound weird). It's not beyond my current teens or counseling...but what I mean is....a couple of my girls (from the past) have sought me out..and through those conversations...i have wondered....WHY ME? Of course that thought doesn't happen to much...but I do think after....why do they trust me? Why am I accessible to them? Why I am seen as worthy of wisdom and confrontation? What can I say that helps them move to the next step?

What would I say? What would the advice, the wisdom (lol?) be?

Here's what the question had done for me. It's help me isolate what I am passionate about. What I am wanting for the young people of this era. The young women (and men) i see sitting in front of me everyday.

If I could say anything to them...it would be STOP IT! STOP all this foolishness...all this fanatical belief in lives that aren't real or worthy. Stop selling yourselves short of ultimate fulfilment! STOP doubting your importance. The part you that might deliver you children out of slavery.. STOP doubting the essence of God in YOU! The BOLDNESS in you. Stop thinking 10lbs is the breaking point of kind of weird attractiveness (scale) decision...what the hell does 10lbs have to do with anyting. Stop thinking the voice of reasoning is just some weird conscious tweak.

Then after all that....I think...where am I ...I know I'm in place of calling the young people in this generation to rise up..but I know there must be more. there MUST be the young and old, the female and male, that require our young people to live to a different standard....

here's what I know beyond doubt...i have PLENTY of young people...that are disrespectful, spout off, and do things "there way"...yet...u know what's interesting...they are committed to my office, they are committed to my boundaries and consequences. I have one young one that fights everyone else in her life...but still continues to schedule a time a with me. AND I have those that say...I just want my parents to be my parents. What does that say?

I would also say...The love of imperfection is the clue to freedom. we are all imperfect and the sooner we realize and accept that the better. And I think for those of us that can identify loss, imperfection, distraction, and grief....and own not only how those things changed us but moved AND deepen us forever...that we have responsibility that is beyond what is contractual...we're beyond requirement of replication....God has called us to change and encourage TRANSFORMATION! What does that all mean?