Sunday, July 31, 2011

Happy Meals, popcorn, slurpees, sour patch watermelons, skittles and "Transformers 3" later....I'm a happy Auntie

Day 46

   You know what I realized today...I'm so sick and tired of feeling as though I dislike or even hate myself. I spent the majority of my day with my two oldest nephews (5 and 3). We went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play land, then headed over the AMC Highlands Ranch theater for video games and Transformers 3. From there we headed to Kohls for a (toy) treat since Nolan (the 3 year old) was such a good boy, and other than needing to go to the bathroom six times, did really well at the movie. Brayden on the other was brave and stayed steady and "okay" when Auntie and Nolan left everyother 30 minutes to go the bathroom.

    But you know what was the craziest thing about today (if I can engage in some selfishness for a second)? I never questioned myself. I didn't fear being alone or unwanted. I didn't concern myself with weight or attractiveness...I didn't even ever wonder if i was being taken advantage of (75.00 dollars I was content...felt fully loved and respected yet energized by my nephews. While they blush around me...and they tell me I'm beautiful...I (obviously) didn't worry about those things...I am focused on taking care of their needs. Allowing them to feel spoiled yet balanced. There are moments of necessary discipline but most of it was filled with "Auntie, this is awesome!" or "Auntie can i show you this?"

   In fact the only hard moment for me today was when Brayden (my oldest nephew) asked why I wasn't living in Boulder anyone. He hasn't seen his uncle jonny in quite a long time, but there's still an attachment that makes even his innocent heart have a hard time with it...but then later he said out of nowhere..."Oh well Auntie at least you live near us now." So I asked, "Yeah? U can be my dates from now on?" And Brayden and Nolan both answered "Yeah!" and while i laugh but still grieved and even feared the lost picture in my heart...there is nothing like the laughs and confidence of children that can restore even the longest lost places of ones' heart. They look at me with such honesty and purity and it helped me believe (at least today) maybe everything isn't lost...maybe I'm not as evil (as a divorce can definitely lead you to believe about yourself), hurtful, or selfish as I thought I was at this point. I do believe children sense things a lot stronger than we do....and today my nephews hugged me unashamedly. They asked for tokens and treats but then asked "Auntie what do want to drink?" But nothing tops, "Auntie this is awesome!"  or "Auntie will you hold my hand to cross the street?" Or even the end of the day..."Auntie don't leave. I had so much fun." And realizing in that moment..I would have done anything for them. Spent any amount of money for them. Within their acceptance and love all i wanted to do was make them happy, to protect them, to help them become the men God has called.

      Is there something to this key of life...this "coming as children" concept that Christ talked about? Responsiblity and life will allways beckon the adulthood of our existence...but I wondered....if we lived more child would our confidence, love, honesty, imaginations and peace be different? Because I know spending with only 6 hours with my precious boys and i felt like the most worthy, beautiful woman in the world. And it was exhausting, it was exhiliatrating and it was so much fun...but know a days (outside of Christ) who else do we give that kind of power?

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 29:1-36, Romans 14:1-23, Psalm 24:1-10, Proverbs 20:12

Worship - nope

Work out - not today but have been fairly consistent in the last couple of days

Do something for someone else - babysat my nephews for my brother and sister in law could move

Do something for myself - took my nephews out on a date night

Eat well - well...proably not really...lots of junk

Emotional state: smiling...even in my liver

High point: heard my nephew said, "Auntie this is awesome!" about four times today was pretty great

Low point: not really a low point today...other than feeling bloated after a day of fun...but I feel like its' completely worth it.

Tip of the day:  Mcdonald's playland is an amazing place for little ones to get all their energy out.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Somebody order me a BLT

     I remember a while ago I wrote a letter to a friend. In that letter I detailed how I felt so rejected and betrayed....let down in to many ways to count. Towards the end of that letter I wrote something to the effect of, "You know I'm not sure I blame you. I don't know if I'd pick me either." The reason this "still" sticks out to me is because when I reread those words (then) I cringed thinking, "Do I really feel that way about myself?" I'm not worth loving or picking...or staying loyal to? Did I really feel that way about myself? Do I still feel that way about myself? At the end of day would I pick me for a friend or  partner?
    Do I like me? This is a question I've found myself asking, but not necessarily's more through my behavior and actions. See, I noticed when I'm clingy even needy I'm usually feeling rejected and alone. If I'm over analyzing words or deeds I'm feeling disappointed or let down (again). And if I'm depressed or wallowing I'm normally angry and comprising. However, on the other hand, when I'm feeling strong, confident and focused ...I like myself. When I believe in myself I feel purposeful and useful. When I have the most peace about my circumstances it's because my focus has turned vertical verses horizontial.
    But is it that hard to like/love myself? Apparently! I've compromised, flaked and used hurtful words...all because I have felt rejected, alone and questioned on self-worth. Then I think...this makes sense...I mean how can anyone believe in me, trust me, like me...if I don't believe, like or trust in me (a little B.L.T). So how do I order up a little more B.L.T? I guess that's the journey...

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 17:1-18:34, Romans 9:25-10:13, Psalm 20:1-9, Proverbs 20:2-3

Worship - not yet

Work out -, but my muscles got a workout

Do something for someone else - reached out and pray for a friend

Do something for myself - massage

Eat well - chicken tortilla soup

Emotional state: tired

High point: turned off my phone!

Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it

Tip of the day:  90 minute massages are a revelation

Monday, July 25, 2011

A Nervous puddle of lasagna

Day 41  

    So, soooooooo, sooo, so....I see my husband tonight, and hopefully with a lot "need sleep and early morning excuses,"  for only a few minutes. And...I'm nervous. Not because I expect (or want) a long conversation....but because after 2 weeks of praying and (trying) to think and speak good things....I'm here...not looking forward to it...and honestly in one of the deepest pits of disbelief EVER! (Pause)...but maybe that's what I've been waiting for. This feeling...I don't know!
     I thought I would have a friend's birthday dinner to distract me for most of the evening....but of course...CANCELLED! Soooo, so, sooo, soo, now I'm making the lasagna I promised, getting the cat and )(his many toys) together and watching fun shows. Geez...could I sound more pathetic. lol I did go get a pedicure and manicure after my counseling appointments, though, that was fun...especially when I got serenaded to Journey by my pedicurist...but how in the world did I get here? Regardless I think I'm swearing off dating! Well at least this much emotional energy into a man.

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 14:1-16:14, Romans 9:1-24, Psalm 19:1-14, Proverbs 20:1

Psalm 14:7-8, "The instructions to the LORD are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of ther LORD are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are clear giving insight for living."

Worship - yes

Work out - not today

Do something for someone else - making my homemade lasagna

Do something for myself - mani/pedi

Eat well - eating more Ramen while making Lasagne from scratch

Emotional state: nervous

High point: got serended by my pedicurist

Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it

Tip of the day:  a tan helps anyone look better...but put on sunscreen

Sunday, July 24, 2011

And then there was FOCUS

Day 40

"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true self." - Ever: Immortals, by Alyson Noel.

    Today, I was in a sort of "zen" place...a place of contentment and peace. I'm not sure what lead to it other than honestly I'm just so tired of feeling like an emotional hostage in my life. I have moments of feeling alone, down and rejected....but I am tired of waddling in those feelings. Today I just focused inward (not to sounds so Oprah). Enjoying the day, enjoying things...a little to much sun and little to much spending...but it was fun and I will go to bed feeling happy.
    It's hard to let go and it's even harder to accept the reality of where life is at for me right some ways I think it's even harder to just stall and idle in the negative emotions...almost punishing myself for being here. I realize moving on involves dealing with the complex state of the soul (especially when grieving) but I noticed...when I allow myself to feel all the crap it's almost easier to move on and focus on better things (even when some of the crap happens regularly, and at the hand of people who "should" know better).
     So what is this blog all about....well....I think "focus." And believe me I know that I have talked about this before, but really where our treasure is, there our heart will be also. Or in different terms....we move towards what we focus on. And today, I wanted to focus on what makes life good..whether that's with someone or without them. That actually reminds me of the scene in "Eat, Pray, Love," where Liz Gilbert is venting to her friend, realizing "I haven't given myself a second to be with myself." And not to sound like selfishness on steroids...but liking/loving myself seems a lot more important these days...since I'll be with myself more often now. lol

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 11:1-13:22, Romans 8:26-39, Psalm 18:37-50, Proverbs 19:27-295

Romans 8:26, "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what GOD wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words."

Worship - yes

Work out - 1 hr....feels great

Do something for someone else - bought a birthday card and gift 

Do something for myself - laid out in the sun and spent a little more money then I should

Eat well - Ramen noodles..not sure if this means eating well...but yummy MSG

Emotional state: content

High point: listened to my brother describe my oldest nephews 5 minute prayers. "LORD, thank you for peanut butter and jelly. I love that. And God thank you for my scooter. I love my scooter." lol so precious

Low point: sunburned...yuck

Tip of the day:  trust your gut.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Day 38

    Honestly, I'm not going to lie...I didn't have much to say today...then I read Romans 7:21. When i want to do right I inevitably do wrong. Ugh...isn't that the truth. I feel as though lately all I have wanted is the "right" thing, but it seems in the last couple of days I could care less. Is that okay to say?
    I've realized nothing is a guarantee. And even when I have tried to find comfort in other things and people I come back to the fact that there isn't a comfort outside of God. Although, honestly, I soooooo wish sometimes there was...only because it feels like He takes His sweet time. lol
    I'd love to say I haven't messed up, but of course I have. And I loved to say I know how to weather the storm...but of course I don't. The only thing I know? God is the God on the throne...and I do NOT want to be in His place.

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 6:12-8:10, Romans 7:14-8:8, Psalm 18:1-15, Proverbs 19:24-25

Romans 7:21, "I discovered this principle of life-that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. " - Love that this is in the Bible

Worship - haven't yet

Work out - 1 freaking hot here in CO

Do something for someone else - offered to babysit, but wasn't taken up on it...should I be offended? lol

Do something for myself - rented movies and cooked a steak

Eat well - broiled a steak...first time...yum

Emotional state: reflective

High point: slept in and tanned...hey a girl has to have priorities

Low point: SO HOT here

Tip of the day:  a nice bath and sleeping pill...can make all the difference in the world. lol :) Cheers

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Do I believe it for myself?

Day 36:  

    Today was a very, very long day. It's nice to be so tired I can not think or feel...kind of a strange feeling of contentment. BUT if I'm honest, I miss coming home to someone. I miss that after a really long day there was always someone waiting for me. And then I think....will I love again? I feel so numb yet overwhelmed that I wonder if my heart will ache with the passion, respect and appreciation I thought I had. AND...then I think, will I be allowed to? lol
      I know that sounds silly, but I genuinely wonder if I'll ever be able to open my heart up to someone with all my hopes and dreams, or if I will stay guarded and independent from now on. And I wonder if the people in my life (who I know love me more than anything) will ever be able to love with me again. If they will be able to have faith in my ability to choose love. Does that make sense?
      Early this morning, I listened to one of my 20-somethings talk about her fears of intimate relationships; however, her doubts are quickly cloaked by excitement and hope. And you know...I coveted her place in life right now. Although genuinely afraid of being hurt and disappointed her heart is still untainted and fresh. Her expectancy of love is pure and ready...even if she's scared out of her mind. It's hard to be realistic and try to guide someone through the truth of authenic relationship when they are prep for a fairy tale....a fairy tale I want her to believe in. Then I this what happened with me?
      Did I dwell so much on what could be, that my reality was never checked by those around me...even those that had every opportunity to correct or guide me? I don't know. In this particular moment I wanted to protect her ideal....but felt an overwhelming responsiblity to help her understand the reality of marriage. Because marriage is's good in many ways...but one of the most difficult things in another. Course she was asking me for help, which is night and day from where I was at I'm sure. But after believing and hoping (and I'm sure a lot of overlooking)...I'm walking along with my client's doubts yet trying to allow her to lean on my belief in true love. Because I do believe in true love, and I do believe in marriage...but do I believe it for myself????

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 1:1-3:17, Romans 6:1-23, Psalm 16:1-11, Proverbs 19:20-21

Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God."

Worship - Not yet

Work out - just my ears, and I'm numb for sitting for so long.

Do something for someone else - offered to babysit for my nephews

Do something for myself - allowed myself to not check my phone all day! This is an accomplishment I promise.

Eat well - ummmmm...not sure...I think I had tuna salad and a cheese stick

Emotional state: tired yet content

High point: had my nephews join me on a walk around the block with  Sapulpa. I love listening to them ramble. SO CUTE

Low point:  haven't had a chance to relax yet

Tip of the day: don't go a day without telling the people you love that you love them. Or an opportunity to pray for them. All of us need all the help we can get and love makes it that much easier.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Iced, venti americano with a packet of grace

Day 35:

      Grace happens in the most unlikely places! Today, I had a couple of appointments and then I had to head up to Boulder and face a situation I just...well frankly...I didn't want to face. (nothing to do with my marriage) It's a situation that is humilitating and so very frustrating. Thank God I know how to bite my lip (although you'd wonder these days)...but as I got back into my car I thought I might melt into tears. I wanted to fight, I wanted to sob...I want to die of embarrassment. And while not many know (and will hopefully NEVER know) it's just as humilitating as if the entire world knew. Then I thought...why are you so upset? You did deserve this, stop being such a baby! And there it is...the voice of self-judgement.
    My voice (of self-judgement) is very loud, opinionated and uses colorful vernicular. I realized at this moment that I've held myself up to such a high standard (or maybe pedestal) that there's no reason to understand grace because...I'm what? perfect? So when perfection is met with rejection? Then what?
     I make mistakes. I make REALLY bad mistakes sometimes, and yet somehow (to me) the gray areas of life don't even afford me the chance to fall flat on my face and grovel...with grace. lol See I believe whole heartedly in grace, forgiveness and the ethereal gray areas in life. I believe brokenness is beautiful and can lead to transformation and reform.....but here's the kicker...I believe all this for others. Therefore, when things like this happen to me....there's no understanding...there's no grace. And the even BIGGER kicker...I have a tendency to pick out the voices in my life that agree with my loser-ness and build off it. Soooooo....when grace happens loud enough for me to's usually because it happens in the most unlikely places.
     This past weekend I had felt that I needed to tell one of my clients (precious, 20-something woman) that I might be getting a divorce. I fought this decision for a while because I didnt' want to discourage her and deepen her disbelief in marriage. She has endured so much...but I felt strongly that she needed to know...because in an effort to gain trust with her...I knew I could not hide something this big. I mean she might notice if I ever stopped wearing my ring or took down my pictures. So I told her...and asked her to pray about continuing counseling with me. Today, I texted her fully expecting her to want a referral (which I would definitely understand)...and the reply I got, "So do you want coffee tomorrow morning? Venti?"
     My eyes filled with tears. I'm not completely sure why, but I do know there was this overwhelming feeling of...maybe I'm not failing everyone? Maybe I'm not even failing myself? It was a slipt second moment that might not overshadow the loneliness and regret I feel most of the time but it's such encouragement that I can barely continue to write this blog because of the tears that fill my eyes.

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronciles 28:1-29:30, Romans 5:6-21, Psalm 15:1-5, Proverbs 19:18-19 

Worship - Yes, well listened to my new fave worship CD and sang at the top of my lungs (a few times)

Work out - 50 minutes...gotta train for that "dirty girl race" coming up in September

Do something for someone else - prayed, prayed, prayed

Do something for myself - ate some ice cream

Eat well - nope...

Emotional state: reflective

High point: got my air conditioning fixed...I more 80 degree nights

Low point: caught my puppy eating the cat's poo

Tip of the day: if you go to the Rockies game in this ridculous heat...wear all cotton, a baseball cap, and no make-up. So much more comfortable.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Yuck, yuck, yuck

Day 33:

     It's been over a month since I've started this blogging journey....and the war wages on. The "war" is not between my husband and me, but inside of myself. See, it seems lately, my heart has wanted to mend things and reconcile. does but then it doesn't. (oh the struggle). One minute I do and the next minute i'm working on my 10 year plan.
     I have made a commitment with my friend, Sarah, to pray every night over our husbands and for the LORD's will to be done in our lives. More specifically for me...we are praying for restoration in my marriage. This particular commitment has been a pleasure. Just connecting with one of my best friends in the Spirit is refreshing and thrilling...YET it's unbelievable how much harder things have gotten in my own heart. Of course I haven't "seen" any improvement or movement and of course my emotions are like riding the freaking sidewinder at Elitches. Isnt' that the way of the enemy though???
    Silver lining (if you can even think of it that way) is I feel as though the silence has highlighted and allowed me to focus on my own selfishness and control issues. Looking back, I realize all the times I tried to control the situation in my marriage. Ugh, which how many times in my life have heard about the Jezebel spirit and now I'm looking straight in the mirror of similarity. That's just horrifying. Also, in reflection, I've realized that instead of responding in love and vulnerability, when I felt emotionally empty or neglected, I acted selfish and immature. Yuck, yuck, yuck!
    I'm not trying to down play the reasons as to why I decided this in the first place, but the heat is on and I am flabergasted at my disbelief and fear...both in the past and present situation. When did I stop believing? When did I stop surrendering? When did I become a quitter? And when did I start placing my opinion and wants over God's? Yuck, yuck, yuck!

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - Ezekiel 36:25-26, Song of Songs 8
Song of Solomon 8:6, "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm, for love is stronger then death, jealousy as severe as Sheol; it's flashes are flashes of fire." 

Worship - Yes

Work out - cleaned my entire house and walked my dog a few times

Do something for someone else - sent a friend a card

Do something for myself - watched the Goonies

Eat well - seafood soup

Emotional state: happy

High point: (based on last night)...dressing up like a teen in the 80's for an 80's Party. So fun

Low point:  almost got thrown in the pool

Tip of the day: when cooking clams, make sure they are the last ingredient...otherwise the prolonged heat weakens the shell and breaks off into the soup. "Crunchy"

Friday, July 15, 2011

A flick and fire

Day 31

   I have a thought and a story to share tonight.

    It seems lately that God has been speaking to me, "Be still and know I am God." What comes to mind for you when you hear this? For me it has always felt like a flick on the back of my head from God. "Would you chill out you are making me nervous!" It has felt like a reminder from God that I am a Type A, anxious, control freak. A condensing rebuke that sounded more like my dad telling me to stop crying and suck it up. 
     Well....lately, it's taken on a new tone and meaning. Last night and today as I heard, "Be still," I felt a sense of peace, almost as though God was saying, "You don't know everything that is going on." Almost as though God is (frequently) reminding me that "out of sight out of mind" doesn't really apply when the Holy Spirit is involved and at work. There's still that...anxious flutter (and sometimes just a good old fashioned freak out), but "Be still and know that I am God," is more of a surrender and trusting that Holy Spirit is at work even if I can't see it.
     That's hard for me, but I guess His gentle reassurance adds another layer, another depth to trusting Him when I don't understand. It also helps to take the pressure off my shoulders. I don't need to do anything other than what God is instructing for me. Sigh! Still hard for me...but refreshing.  

      My brother is the business director (there's a fancier title but I can't recall it right now) for a high-end, private school in Denver. Yesterday, during the major thunderstorm of 2011, the school was hit by lightening. My brother said it sounded as though the entire building exploded around them. While the staff scrambled to figure out where the lightening had struck the basement began to flood. At the same time (and unbeknownst to anyone) the chapel ceiling caught on fire. Remember this is all during a massive thunderstorm so the building was being pounded by rain while lightening and thunder filled the skies.
      Once the fire was discovered everyone was evacuated from the building and the fire department, police and water restoration team were called. The chaos was overwhelming. By the time the fire department and water restoration team were allowed in the school the scene had drawn a crowd (taking pictures no less). Eventually my brother and some of the staff were allowed back in to assess the damage. In disbelief (my words not theirs) they discovered that the lightening had struck in the chapel on the exact spot where the cross (that had been there since the 1800's) had been removed a week before. Let that sink in for a second. Someone had the cross removed!
      When I heard this story I had chills up and down my body. What are the chances of all the buildings, in all the cities that exact spot was struck by lightening?

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 19:1-21:30, Romans 2:25-3:8, Psalm 11:1-7, Proverbs 19:10-12

Romans 2:28, "No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather it is a change of heart produced by God's Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people."

Worship - Yes

Work out - Not today...HCG here I come

Do something for someone else - bought dinner for a friend

Do something for myself - took a nap

Eat well - had yummy Chilean bass at Jing

Emotional state: numb

High point: dinner with a friend

Low point:  picked up way to much doggie do

Tip of the day: keep fresh cut fruit on hand...makes snacking easier AND healthier

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Day 30:

The Power of Words

     In the last few days I have listened to a number of heartbreaks. Teens and college students that have had devastating situations engulf their lives. MOST of these heart breaks involve destructive and hurtful words. Words that are devastating and humiliating, Words such as "maybe it was wrong to adopt you, believe you, think you were good". Sometimes friends, but usually parents, to their children. Can you imagine? And yes, I think we can all imagine...because we have all been hurt, humiliated and exhausted to the point of saying and doing really, really stupid stuff.  Then I am reminded of the power of words. With our words we have the power to empower or destroy. With our words we can heal or wound. With our words we can release God's or the enemy's voice.
    I am convicted about the power of my words today. As I'm counsel my teens I realized, today, that I am careful and intentional about my words. I do not want to mislead or lie. I do not want to flatter, humiliate or give false hope. I don't want to over inflate or condemn. I DO want to build-up, empower and give life. I DO want to provide a safe place that any emotion is okay but talked through and understood. Then I question, do I do this in ALL my relationships? Did I encourage or tear down in my marriage? Did I empower or breath life into my friendships? Did I love unconditionally and with humility? And...I honestly don't know, but I can suspect.  I think I did/do my best, but I know how I feel when I'm angry, humiliated and tired. But what am I like now? When I'm emotionally so thin I barely recognize I reach out to my friends? To those that need me?
     I mean I feel as though that's my help, but when wounded do I remember that I am Christian first? Or when angry and hurt do I resort to being merely a women...flesh and bone...not lead by my spirit....flawed to the point of selfishness? Do we forget the power of words, the power of our ability to communicate God's heart to others? I am definitely guilty of this...guilty of forgetting the power and influence God has allowed those He has entrusted me with the family and friends.
    Deep thoughts for the day....    

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 12:19-14:17, Romans 1:1-17, Psalm 9:13-20, Proverbs 19:4-5

Psalms 9:13, "Save me so I can praise you publicly at Jerusalem's gates, so I can rejoice that you have rescued me."

Worship - yes 

Work out - 45 minutes this morning...that's a record..."in the morning" I mean...not 45 minutes

Do something for someone else - held a door open for an elderly man and then the guy after me held the door open for me and the elderly guy and then the guy after the guy holding the door did the's a ripple effect

Do something special for myself - not today

Cook - no dinner...twisted stomach

Emotional state: tired

High point: got up early to work out (okay maybe that's more of an achievement)

Low point:  tanned way to long...little pinky

Tip of the day: crate your puppies...makes all the difference

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Peter, Paul and Mary

Day 28:

      Peter, Paul and Mary...I am reminded of their faith even when faced with the impossible. However, today, I am in awe of their ability to face all the fear in the world and step out because of their faith in God. Peter stepped out of a freaking boat into the ocean...trusting that Jesus would be there. Mary had to confess a scandalous pregnancy to her husband...trusting what the Angel told her. And Paul...well where to start with this man. He lived and died literally by the word of God, trusting wholly in the LORD. He shook off a venomous snake, survived a shipwreck, walked right out of prison, etc, etc, etc. And really...these are all amazing, inspiring stories...until YOU (in this case me) are called to this kind of faith.
      Believing in the face of fear. Trusting despite circumstance. Walking through the impossible. Ugh, these are all truths that frankly frustrate the crap out of me. Not because they aren't encouraging and what I want to do...but because this is what I need to do without any guarantee. Without any promise of...well....the promise. How in the world do I do that? How do I pray? What do I believe?  When others let go and their fear encourage do you let go and move on from that disappointment? so many questions.
But then I guess it's like the saying....when it's all you can do to stand, stand still.
      So I know God can do the impossible, but do I really believe it? I guess this kind of surprises me. I thought I did...I thought I really believe in God and His word....but then I guess my belief has never been tested at this level. But I know my God...and even if I can't believe for myself...I can believe in Him!

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 12:19-14:17, Romans 1:1-17, Psalm 9:13-20, Proverbs 19:4-5

Psalms 9:13, "Save me so i can praise you publicly at Jerusalem's gates, so I can rejoice that you have rescued me."

Worship - yes 

Work out - 45 minutes 

Do something for someone else - I guess I didn't, outside of work, yikes....thinking, thinking...

Do something special for myself - bought new running for a 5k

Cook - salad...kind of boring

Emotional state: confused

High point: watched my teeny tiny puppy chase my gigantic cat around the apartment

Low point: watched one of my clients heart breaking today. was so hard. I just wanted to get up and fight for him.

Tip of the day: Apple Cider Vinegar is great for cleaning out your system. lol 1 TBSP a day

Monday, July 11, 2011

Ugh...freaking confused!

Day 27:

     Kind of a difficult day emotionally. After interacting with my husband today I feel pretty confused about things. Confused about my emotions. Confused about what's happening. Confused about my feelings. Confused about our connection? Just plain confused....and it's really confusing that I can still read him and respond accordingly. I'm not sure that I thought all of this would be different so quickly, but I didn't expect to be SO CONFUSED.
     So what do I do now? No idea...absolutely no idea...and here I was thinking I took myself out of limbo. But after this morning I realize I never really left limbo-land. Am I wrong? Am I right? I feel sad then happy. I'm so hurt and angry yet I still love him. Blah! I'm also frustrated that I feel as though I still have to protect him and others from how I'm feeling....worried if it's okay to even express something I guess I don't really get myself. 
      I know everything takes time and the process isn't always with that said I'm taking my confused self to bed early.

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 11:1-12:18, Acts 28:1-31, Psalm 9:1-12, Proverbs 19:1-3

Psalms 19:3, "People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the LORD."

Worship - yes but going to do more. One of the best new worship songs "Your Great Name," sung by Natalie's a MUST.

Work out - sort

Do something for someone else - agreed to pet sit

Do something special for myself - took the day off

Cook - made a yummie salad

Emotional state: confused

High point: found the song "Your Great Name."

Low point: it's raining....again

Tip of the day: when you drop your cell in the bathtub stick it in a bowl of rice for 24 hours. (I have a LOT of experience with this tip).

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Texas Hold 'em

Day 26:

    I've had a LOT of thoughts today. None of which amount to a hill of beans, but in all those thoughts I have noticed an internal battle in myself. Here's the battle....when do I hold my cards close and when do I play them. lol Okay so for those of you that have NO idea what I'm talking about (which is probably the majority), I wonder when is it okay to be vulnerable and honest with my feelings, and when is it not.
    To be honest my normal tendency is to be upfront and open. I feel our society is so big on sugar coated or condemning that we have no idea how to confide in others. We hide so much of ourselves...especially weakness!  So what happens when you were once able to confide your feelings in someone and now it's inappropiate or unwanted. Do you continue to be honest with your feelings or do you sugar coat and play nice? Normally I'm surprised by the positive responses when I'm vulnerable, but what about the times when I'm vulnerable and I experience rejection or worse....apathy. And then there's balance.
     In life there are times it's important for me to keep my cards close, not exposing my true feelings or desires. Then there are the other times....when it's essential I be open and real with where I am at. However, finding the balance...the middle ground in really, REALLY rough times is hard. For me it's been difficult sharing my pain and hurt, because I am met with a lot of judgement. But I know the hearts of those that have expressed judgement. I know them to be understanding and loving....why not continue to let them in? Trust God in them.
     On the other hand, there are those that were once really close to my heart and they know me and can sense when somethings up. But because of deep wounding I find it almost impossible to be honest with them. However, maybe that's just when I should be honest...even if thats not always pain free for either them OR me. And yet....when and with whom. Sigh.....and the beat goes on!

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 9:1-10:14, Acts 27:21-44, Psalm 8:1-9, Proverbs 18:23-24

Proverbs 18:24, "There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother."

Worship - not today

Work out - only walked my dog....but like 10 times

Do something for someone else - agreed to pet sit

Do something special for myself - watched "Dirty Dancing."

Cook - I allowed Hickory House to serve me the best ribs today! lol

Emotional state: nervous

High point: my high was actually last night. I bought the cutest little puppy raincoat....Sapulpa was not having it. HILARIOUS 

Low point:  saying bye to a friend

Tip of the day: The Bissell steam cleaner is amazing when you own a puppy!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Jurassic Park

Day 24:

    Earlier today I was watching "Jurassic Park" for possibly the 150th time. I remember when the movie first came out (I was probably 13 or 14)...and I cried. That's right, my 13-year-old self, with my big fatty coke, on the front row bawling like a baby, as I witnessed the scientists stand speechless watching the dinosaurs cross the landscape. Can you imagine such a sight? Then I thought to myself, "I wonder why I like this movie so much?"
     It's definitely not the special effects....very outdated this days. And it's definitely not the attractive actors and actresses...they are not all...well not E!. And it's not their acting abilities (although I do LOVE Jeff Gold-something or another). Then it occurred to me. It's the sense of wonder! The awe-inspiring idea of seeing something never seen before, bigger than life....bigger than many of our imaginations. I think I love this movie because it seduces me out of my normal, everyday life and into a part of myself that tugs at my child-like sense of wonder and imagination. Then I thought, why is that part of myself so hard to connect with on regular basis? When did I stop subjecting myself to creativity, thrill, danger, curiosity, and...well honestly....FUN.
      I know life happens! Responsibility and routine takes over and it's amazing how much of ourselves we push down or to the sides. And I'm not even talking about self as a form of "selfish," I'm addressing the part s of ourselves that keep us plugged into awe and wonder.....eternity even. 
     If we are not made for this world. If we are called to an eternal home unlike anything we can ever imagine. A place with golden streets and everlasting rivers. A God so fierce yet loving that we can never comprehend, how do we lose our sense of wonder. One word "Focus." Kind of like the scientist in "Jurassic Park." They love dinosaurs and the excavation of dino bones, but they had become so focus on the dead dinosaurs they can not wrap their minds around the living, breathing ones. Once they were reconnected with their sense of wonder, and why they loved studying dinos in the first place it was as though the dead bones no longer matter.
     I don't want to focus on my dead bones, dead places that steal my sense of wonder. I actually miss my imagination. I miss being so enraptured with Jesus that I based everything on seeing Him face to face one day. I miss dreaming and the spark of life. I don't want to be that person that has to watch movies and read books to find to gain a sense of something bigger, outside of themselves. I want to focus on the living, breathing wonders!
    Dino hunting here I come! lol jk!
My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 4:5-5:17, Acts 25:1-27, Psalm 5:1-12, Proverbs 18:19

Psalms 5:7, "Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house. I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe.."

Worship - yes, but I still can't figure out this worship I heard at Guts Church.
Work out - a LOT of stairs

Do something for someone else - cooked dinner for a friend

Do something special for myself - bought new shorts

Cook - fish tacos, spanish rice and black beans (all homemade...very proud)

Emotional state: tired

High point: being told my blog is "addictive."

Low point:  didn't finish my wall art today

Tip of the day: do not buy organic black beans....they turn to mush.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

The art of distraction

Day 23:

    I am mentally exhausted. It was a long, but fulfilling day. Six appointments, 8 hours and 40 miles later the day if over, I'm eating sushi and watching my puppy chew up my electrical cords. Today, I didn't have much time to think about things or even be sad that I am filing tomorrow. No, today I had just enough time to shove down Chic-fila between appointments and then rush home to take Sapulpa out for her potty break.
    Honestly, this kind of day, a day of distraction and fulfillment, is rather nice. Almost necessary in light of everything. It didn't allow me anytime to workout or catch up on laundry, but it did afford me the opportunity to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow or the next day. I realize living in distraction is never the way to handle difficulties or hard emotions, but this mini-vacation and break in my emotional roller coaster were welcomed, even refreshing. The art of distraction....I might have found a key to that concept.
     What if there is an art to distraction? A way to emotionally, mentally even physically escape in order for those areas (the soul) to come up for air. Sometimes all those emotions, all that thinking can begin to feel as though you are being buried alive, suffocated by to much reality. Allowing myself (whether deliberate or necessary) to focus on something other than my reality has actually helped with clarity AND my sanity. lol        But even more so, what is going on now is not my entire reality. The art of distraction (or changing my focus- may be a better way to say it), definitely helped me to realize that maybe my focus does not need to be only what is going wrong. Maybe what is going wrong is not my only reality. Maybe there are many other areas that need attention and by just focusing on one I cause that reality to become that much better, more devastating, much more difficult.
      Here's to the art of distraction! Cheers!

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 2:1-4:4, Acts 24:1-27, Psalm 4:1-8, Proverbs 18:16-18

Psalms 4:4, "Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent."

Worship - not yet!

Work out - nope, but my ears got a work out today

Do something for someone else - lots of advice giving

Do something special for myself - got sushi

Cook - nope...but yummie hot and sour soup and sushi.

Emotional state: tired

High point: being called "pretty" by one of my teens today. :) And she's a brutal one! lol

Low point:  had to cancel on a friend for dinner!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A song, a gift

  Day 21:  

      I feel as though I've been saying this a lot the last couple of days, but today I got an amazing gift. Just when I hit the door of my apartment and reality set in, after my fabulous weekend in Tulsa, I received an email from a friend (more like a sister really). In the email she attached a song! Honestly, I thought it was going to be one of incredible self-written songs she has been known to write, but within two seconds I realized she had done something much more meaningful. My crazy tears can testify how much it meant to me. She began to sing a song I wrote a few years back, and recorded (thanks to her) for our trip to China.
      What struck me the most were the lyrics and how they foreshadowed what I am going through now....leave it to the Almighty to know what I would be going through years later. In addition to the my words, my precious friend added her touch and words and it turned out amazing even better than I could have ever done on my own.
       Isn't that what life is about anyway?. We do life with people, in relationships. We live life with all it's troubles, excitement and boring days with friends and family. If we're lucky we go through life with go through life with a handful of friends we can count on. Recently, I guess I took my friends for granted in someway...because in the darkest valleys I have had some of the greatest moments...all at the hands of my friends!

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 1:1-2:17, Acts 23:11-35, Psalm 3:1-8, Proverbs 18:14-15

Psalms 3:3-5, "But you, O LORD, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. I cried out to the LORD, and he answered me from His holy mountain. I lay down and slept yet I woke up in safety, for the LORD was watching over me
Worship - yes, great time!

Work out - long walk out to the economy parking lot at DIA, and then up and down my stairs (three stories) at least 10 times today.

Do something for someone else - bought breakfast for a friend

Do something special for myself - adopted my new love "Lovely Sapulpa"...I'm calling her Saps for short

Cook - Yes! Seafood pasta

Emotional state: thoughtful

High point: Sapulpa

Low point: leaving T-town

Monday, July 4, 2011

My friends

Day 20:

Happy 4th of July everyone!

This morning I had a prayer in my heart, and after that prayer I felt as though I should ask a few friends to pray with me. At first I didn't want to ask, because I figured everyone might be out and about with family and friends and having fun. But you know what happened? Friends from all over, including those international, responded almost instantly saying they would pray with me and believe that God would speak! Do you know how humbling that is for me? I'm grateful to God for the amazing friends He has put in my life. Precious moments for me!

So very grateful.

Read my Bible - 2 Kings 23:31-25:30, Acts 22:17-23:10, Psalm 2:1-12, Proverbs 18:13

Psalms 2:10-11, "Now then, you kings, act wisely! Be warned, you rulers of the earth! Serve the LORD with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling."
Worship - no, but I've prayed a lot

Work out - light swimming

Do something for someone else -
Do something special for myself - laid out in the pool

Cook - No's the 4th...had pizza, watermelon, etc.

Emotional state: smiling

High point: watching the fireworks

Low point: super hot day in T-town

Sunday, July 3, 2011


Day Nineteen:

     Today I had a special treat. I went to visit my former church in T-Town. For some reason, I was extremely nervous to visit, but as soon as worship started I felt as though I was home. There's just something about the place...even more so, the pastor, Pastor Bill, is one of the most genuine, sincere and raw people you might ever have the privilege of hearing...and no matter where you seat or who you leave feeling as though he knows you, he gets you...he understands. With all the said...of course the message would be applicable to me....and of course it was difficult to hear and it was hard to apply. (He's extremely in your face and honest...while being compassionate and understanding).
    One of the inspiring questions he asked was, "What if instead of solving world hunger, disease and poverty, we eradicated Pride? What would change then? If pride no longer had a place in the world....what would be different?" Ummmmm....basically everything!!!!!!
     Just about everything in our society (American for sure) would be rocked to the core. How often do we make decisions based on pride....or what serves our purposes. Think about it....many times we even volunteer because it makes us feel softens our conscious. What if pride was no longer apart of us...what would be different? I think that kind of world would blow my mind!!!!
    This was a hard message for me to hear...because...applying to was I prideful in my single life, married life and now divorced life? How did I interject to much of myself verses living out what God has called me to. Pastor Bill said that our faith requires that we crucify the flesh everyday...we're called to die and live for Christ? So how did I not did I not die? On the other side, he was quick to emphasis that with Christ we can do all things...and that does not mean "we live with addictions, guilt, shame, disappointments in our own life...He who is free is free indeed." God came to free the no way does that mean we live in the shadow of our weaknesses for the rest of our life....we might be tempted by the familiar (because the enemy does not have a better plan), but we are no longer in the shadows of our past....we are in the light.
    NOW THAT WILL PREACH!!!! lol Take this for what it is...but I'm taking it as a gift...a hall pass to learn, develop and grow, but I do not need to wallow in shame and murk. My life will not be a shadow of my life will be light, freedom and strength.
    And in the words of Pastor Bill (that I remember from almost 10 years ago)..."It's my bat and my ball...we play until I say it's time to go home." Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 20:1-22:2, Acts 21:18-36, Psalm 150:1-6, Proverbs 18:9-10

Proverbs 18:9, "A lazy person is as bad as someone who destroys things."

Worship - YES...and it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE Guts!

Work out - church hop

Do something for someone else - spent time trying to help my new friend with a situation

Do something special for myself - watched movies

Cook - had yummy grilled hamburgers today with new friends

Emotional state: introspective

High point: church

Low point: had to spray my expensive perfume to cover up the stink in the bad! oops

Friday, July 1, 2011

Scrambled eggs....

   Day Seventeen:

       I had THE most amazing day in T-town. An incredible and special friend treated me to a spa day. Almost 4 hours later I have never felt more relaxed....more rejuvenated....but the most incredible part of my day was THE moment.....a God moment with the woman doing my pedicure (the funny thing is I would swear she was praying over me at the beginning of the session). Somewhere between soaking my feet in soothing, whirling water and the hot stone treatment she asked me how I came to "Spa Lux"....and thus began our conversation that lead to an almost immediate bonding. We quickly learned we both loved ministry, traveling and missions. After she found out about my South African friend we bonded over the love of the South African people (all of them) and the beauty of the country....then somehow we switched over to talking about my divorce and recent events. All and all...I LOVE and am so grateful for what she said to me...."Darling! You can never unscramble eggs, but you can fry up some bacon and make a great breakfast or sandwich." Basically what she said to me can't undo what has been done...but you can create a different life and thus experience for yourself. She then encouraged me to seek out the message of hope God had for me in all of trust that He didn't let things go very far before He rescued me! I never looked at it like that. I literally left the Spa in is this happening to me? How have I've been blessed and encouraged during a time that I feel as though I should be punished.
         Don't get me wrong, I realize the negative statements and beliefs in what I just said...and if I was talking to any of my teens (now) or my girls from church or Mercy I would be adamant that they focus on the "truth" of God and not destructive statements and thoughts of condemnation and punishment. However, somehow....and I'm working through the reality...that I'm just as vulnerable, and in need of, God's mercy, grace and forgiveness. It's not that I dont' realize this logically, intellectually or even emotionally....I assume it must be a lie that I believe to the depths of a place I never knew disappointment and pain could take me. I guess, somehow, I'm convince I'm exempt of all His promises....geez....what in the world????
         I know God's promises and I believe them to be true! I need them desperately and am so grateful that even in the most unlikely places He still shows up. What are the chances that of all the pedicurist...I ended up with a minister that has traveled the world and endured what I have...and thus spoke directly to my heart? I realize coincidence can happen...but probably not in T-town...and probably not where I would have ever thought it would happen. Not in the place of my what I have always felt were my healthiest, shiniest and best moments of my life. God is good..and knows how to speak to us!!!!!

Survival Plan:

Read my Bible - 2 Kings 18:13-19:37, Acts 21:1-17, Psalm 149:1-9, Proverbs 18:8

2 Kings 19:20-25, "The virgin daughter of Zion depises you and laughs at you. The daughter of Jerusalem shakes her head in derision as you flee. Whom have you been defying and ridiculing? Against whom did you raise your voice? At whom did you look with such haughty eyes? It was the Holy One of Israel. By your messengers you have defied the LORD. You have said, 'With my chariots I have conquered the highest mountains-yes, the remotest peaks of Lebanon. I have cut down its tallest cedars and its finest cypress trees. I have reached its farthest corners and explored its deepest forest. I have dug welss in many foreign land and refreshed myself with their water. With the sole of my food I stopped up all the rivers of Egypt.' But have you not heard? I decided long ago. Long ago I planned it, and now I am making it happen. I planned for you to crush foritified cities into heaps of rubbles."

Worship - yes lots during my times of relaxation...amazing how that happens

Work out - nope, but lots of relaxation

Do something for someone else - sent my brother and nephew happy birthday texts. Told my nephew how proud of him I am and how he's a big boy now at 5 years old!!!! Told my brother I love him and i really do listen to him...on occasion. :)

Do something special for myself - allowed myself to relax

Cook - Nope...yummy Pei Wei instead

Emotional state: relaxed and grateful

High point: pedicure and fire flies

Low point: there's not much to be low about...other than T-towns triple digits I guess