It's been over a month since I've started this blogging journey....and the war wages on. The "war" is not between my husband and me, but inside of myself. See, it seems lately, my heart has wanted to mend things and reconcile. Well...it does but then it doesn't. (oh the struggle). One minute I do and the next minute i'm working on my 10 year plan.
I have made a commitment with my friend, Sarah, to pray every night over our husbands and for the LORD's will to be done in our lives. More specifically for me...we are praying for restoration in my marriage. This particular commitment has been a pleasure. Just connecting with one of my best friends in the Spirit is refreshing and thrilling...YET it's unbelievable how much harder things have gotten in my own heart. Of course I haven't "seen" any improvement or movement and of course my emotions are like riding the freaking sidewinder at Elitches. Isnt' that the way of the enemy though???
Silver lining (if you can even think of it that way) is I feel as though the silence has highlighted and allowed me to focus on my own selfishness and control issues. Looking back, I realize all the times I tried to control the situation in my marriage. Ugh, which how many times in my life have heard about the Jezebel spirit and now I'm looking straight in the mirror of similarity. That's just horrifying. Also, in reflection, I've realized that instead of responding in love and vulnerability, when I felt emotionally empty or neglected, I acted selfish and immature. Yuck, yuck, yuck!
I'm not trying to down play the reasons as to why I decided this in the first place, but the heat is on and I am flabergasted at my disbelief and fear...both in the past and present situation. When did I stop believing? When did I stop surrendering? When did I become a quitter? And when did I start placing my opinion and wants over God's? Yuck, yuck, yuck!
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Ezekiel 36:25-26, Song of Songs 8
Song of Solomon 8:6, "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm, for love is stronger then death, jealousy as severe as Sheol; it's flashes are flashes of fire."
Worship - Yes
Work out - cleaned my entire house and walked my dog a few times
Do something for someone else - sent a friend a card
Do something for myself - watched the Goonies
Eat well - seafood soup
Emotional state: happy
High point: (based on last night)...dressing up like a teen in the 80's for an 80's Party. So fun
Low point: almost got thrown in the pool
Tip of the day: when cooking clams, make sure they are the last ingredient...otherwise the prolonged heat weakens the shell and breaks off into the soup. "Crunchy"