Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Do I believe it for myself?

Day 36:  

    Today was a very, very long day. It's nice to be so tired I can not think or feel...kind of a strange feeling of contentment. BUT if I'm honest, I miss coming home to someone. I miss that after a really long day there was always someone waiting for me. And then I think....will I love again? I feel so numb yet overwhelmed that I wonder if my heart will ache with the passion, respect and appreciation I thought I had. AND...then I think, will I be allowed to? lol
      I know that sounds silly, but I genuinely wonder if I'll ever be able to open my heart up to someone with all my hopes and dreams, or if I will stay guarded and independent from now on. And I wonder if the people in my life (who I know love me more than anything) will ever be able to love with me again. If they will be able to have faith in my ability to choose love. Does that make sense?
      Early this morning, I listened to one of my 20-somethings talk about her fears of intimate relationships; however, her doubts are quickly cloaked by excitement and hope. And you know...I coveted her place in life right now. Although genuinely afraid of being hurt and disappointed her heart is still untainted and fresh. Her expectancy of love is pure and ready...even if she's scared out of her mind. It's hard to be realistic and try to guide someone through the truth of authenic relationship when they are prep for a fairy tale....a fairy tale I want her to believe in. Then I this what happened with me?
      Did I dwell so much on what could be, that my reality was never checked by those around me...even those that had every opportunity to correct or guide me? I don't know. In this particular moment I wanted to protect her ideal....but felt an overwhelming responsiblity to help her understand the reality of marriage. Because marriage is's good in many ways...but one of the most difficult things in another. Course she was asking me for help, which is night and day from where I was at I'm sure. But after believing and hoping (and I'm sure a lot of overlooking)...I'm walking along with my client's doubts yet trying to allow her to lean on my belief in true love. Because I do believe in true love, and I do believe in marriage...but do I believe it for myself????

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 1:1-3:17, Romans 6:1-23, Psalm 16:1-11, Proverbs 19:20-21

Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God."

Worship - Not yet

Work out - just my ears, and I'm numb for sitting for so long.

Do something for someone else - offered to babysit for my nephews

Do something for myself - allowed myself to not check my phone all day! This is an accomplishment I promise.

Eat well - ummmmm...not sure...I think I had tuna salad and a cheese stick

Emotional state: tired yet content

High point: had my nephews join me on a walk around the block with  Sapulpa. I love listening to them ramble. SO CUTE

Low point:  haven't had a chance to relax yet

Tip of the day: don't go a day without telling the people you love that you love them. Or an opportunity to pray for them. All of us need all the help we can get and love makes it that much easier.

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