I remember a while ago I wrote a letter to a friend. In that letter I detailed how I felt so rejected and betrayed....let down in to many ways to count. Towards the end of that letter I wrote something to the effect of, "You know I'm not sure I blame you. I don't know if I'd pick me either." The reason this "still" sticks out to me is because when I reread those words (then) I cringed thinking, "Do I really feel that way about myself?" I'm not worth loving or picking...or staying loyal to? Did I really feel that way about myself? Do I still feel that way about myself? At the end of day would I pick me for a friend or partner?
Do I like me? This is a question I've found myself asking, but not necessarily outloud..it's more through my behavior and actions. See, I noticed when I'm clingy even needy I'm usually feeling rejected and alone. If I'm over analyzing words or deeds I'm feeling disappointed or let down (again). And if I'm depressed or wallowing I'm normally angry and comprising. However, on the other hand, when I'm feeling strong, confident and focused ...I like myself. When I believe in myself I feel purposeful and useful. When I have the most peace about my circumstances it's because my focus has turned vertical verses horizontial.
But is it that hard to like/love myself? Apparently! I've compromised, flaked and used hurtful words...all because I have felt rejected, alone and questioned on self-worth. Then I think...this makes sense...I mean how can anyone believe in me, trust me, like me...if I don't believe, like or trust in me (a little B.L.T). So how do I order up a little more B.L.T? I guess that's the journey...
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 17:1-18:34, Romans 9:25-10:13, Psalm 20:1-9, Proverbs 20:2-3
Worship - not yet
Work out - sigh...no, but my muscles got a workout
Do something for someone else - reached out and pray for a friend
Do something for myself - massage
Eat well - chicken tortilla soup
Emotional state: tired
High point: turned off my phone!
Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it
Tip of the day: 90 minute massages are a revelation