December 26th
I spent Christmas in absolute bliss. Honestly, weeks were devoted to buying the perfect gift for my family members. And I loved it. Although i love the unbelievable, extravagant gifts...there's nothing like the personal, one-of-a-kind gifts that let you know that person really knows you! I gave my oldest nephew a "kids beginner guitar" and he told me in hushed tones..."Auntie, I love my guitar. It's my favorite." Sigh....yes! Got something right.
For the last four weeks I have listened to inspirational and raw sermons at Legacy chapel. All involving the immense struggle, purity of faith and absolute devotion of faith of those involved in Christ's (the Christmas) story. God located some incredibly vulnerable, simple yet influential people that brought His purpose to pass......yet if most of us inserted ourselves in that scenario...would we have done the same? Mary, a woman betrothed to a heavy hitter? Joseph with incredible lineage and influence...looking to settled down in a normal life. The Wise men...called from their normal duties of scholastic endeavors to a purpose based on faith and circumstance. ......would we do the same? Um, Probably not!!!!
This Christmas has been a blessing (literally) because I have felt so much love and acceptance..but that's not to negate the yuckiness I feel now. I've gone weeks without hearing from my ex and while (I thank God) it has been refreshing and releasing....it's also been a finalizing step towards a mistake so deep I no longer have words. How do you rationalize such? i didn't doubt anything on my wedding day. In fact I cried for gratefulness in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes...and was found by my bridesmaids...who had frankly looked for me for 30 minutes.
AND I'm there. I'm at the place that I don't feel much...nor do I have the words that could ACTUALLY explain how I am navigating through THIS season. But today..the day after Christmas...to realize my married life is no longer happening...well....what are the words? It's hard....definite....and sobering. Something about the holidays makes everything official...at least for me. There have been no texts, phone calls or voicemails from him (not that expected or wanted such), YET it sends messages to utmost deepest parts of me. It's not rejection. It's not even resolve. It's an ending! And on that level it's without a word, but signifies a desperation to move on. An understanding that the past is the past....and the only place to move on to..is "what God has for the future."
here's the hope i grasp from Christ's birth...the beginning of His story. In the story: both mom and dad has to believe beyond ALL odds. Like many of us...who believes in the future for our lives? We probably have a few...and if lucky many...that believe in restoration for our lives....but what about those of us that have done things that are beyond repair...or those of use that have lived our entire lives for others...have have disappointed to a point hardly anyone can relate. What then? Mary trusted, Joseph had a dream (then he trusted) and the wisemen had been scholars that have studied and based their journey on years of knowledge. So where are we? In a place of faith, a place of trust in our God and His assurrance (through signs and messages) or in the knowledge we have collected over years? Who are you?
Although this post is chaotic at best! there's not much logic (in a journalistic stand point) but here's what I believe and know!
Through this season AND my life...I KNOW I serve a God that knows me personally and has a great ending and purpose for my life. I serve a Savior that is both personal and worth serving..thus makes me want to jump on the band wagon of the purpose He has called me too. I, with out abandon, serve a God that calls upon the gifts He has bestowed in me...and wants to be both available and ready for that when He calls for them. I KNOW I serve a God of vengeance. I know I serve a God that I do not need to consider nor construct any acts of revenge of those that have harmed me. God knows all....and I believe fully He will repay all debts and wrongs...and when it doesn't happen I believe in His absolute mercy and understanding.
Here is what I also know....God knows me deeply. He knows me at a "heart place" that no one...not even myself could know. With that...I thank you Jesus for your Salvation. i thank you that I barely know what that could mean. i trust beyond much knowledge and KNOW it's only You that provides heavenly salvation and intimacy.
Showing posts with label living life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living life. Show all posts
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Puking Purple
So....recently I've received quite a few of encouraging comments about my blog (even a few lengthy emails)...but I've also have heard some less than complimentary ones. Nothing to harsh or even degrading, just subtle suggestions or remarks. And you know what? I LOVE IT! Here's why....regardless of the comments...you are reading the blog. And regardless of my experiences or response to them...YOU are having a response as well.
I realize that honesty and transparency can be difficult for many. I realize exposing one's pain or dark places can be intimately awkward. Yet I, also, know reading and relating to those words can be life changing and/or comforting. And I know if I didn't have an outlet I might have imploded and disappeared into depression a long time ago. Writing this blog was never for fans or controversary...it has always been about honesty and healing. I know...from both my job AND life....many go through the church (and outside the church) wearing masks that hide despair and brokenness. And many times we wear these masks not to only try and trick those watching...but ourselves. If I fake it then I can make it! Truth be told I believe in the concept of this....when apply to the right season. But when life is rocked! When life hits hard and there was never a need for Plan B until now....well I'm sorry but only coming into the light aids true healing and transformation (enough of my soapbox....for now)
Divorce, disappointment, heartache are shattering. They are broken dreams that settle into the most intimate of places. And what's even more devastating when going through that type of ruin...is feeling alone. Feeling as though no one anywhere understands or is going through it. But then I guess you really get that if you've gone through it.
A funny metaphor would be when my mom and dad teased me about decorating my house for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving. When my mom asked why I laughed and said, "Don't know. I guess because I can. It makes me happy." Then when my dad praised all the decor and thought my tree was beautiful, and he asked, "so why all the purple and not red and green?" I just shrugged and said, "Because I like it. Because I can." lol So I guess that's how I feel about this blog, about my words, about my experiences and translating them to you. I feel...well I write this...because I can...and you CAN respond however you like...because YOU can . Isn't that amazingly freeing?
So as my house remains decorated in silver and purple for Christmas, I sigh and chuckle...it's good to be in a place where I respond, I do, because I can....and maybe hopefully a long the way my actions and words will help someone else believe they CAN too!
Cheers! Here's to puking purple because you can!
One man's caution is not another man's truth!
I realize that honesty and transparency can be difficult for many. I realize exposing one's pain or dark places can be intimately awkward. Yet I, also, know reading and relating to those words can be life changing and/or comforting. And I know if I didn't have an outlet I might have imploded and disappeared into depression a long time ago. Writing this blog was never for fans or controversary...it has always been about honesty and healing. I know...from both my job AND life....many go through the church (and outside the church) wearing masks that hide despair and brokenness. And many times we wear these masks not to only try and trick those watching...but ourselves. If I fake it then I can make it! Truth be told I believe in the concept of this....when apply to the right season. But when life is rocked! When life hits hard and there was never a need for Plan B until now....well I'm sorry but only coming into the light aids true healing and transformation (enough of my soapbox....for now)
Divorce, disappointment, heartache are shattering. They are broken dreams that settle into the most intimate of places. And what's even more devastating when going through that type of ruin...is feeling alone. Feeling as though no one anywhere understands or is going through it. But then I guess you really get that if you've gone through it.
A funny metaphor would be when my mom and dad teased me about decorating my house for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving. When my mom asked why I laughed and said, "Don't know. I guess because I can. It makes me happy." Then when my dad praised all the decor and thought my tree was beautiful, and he asked, "so why all the purple and not red and green?" I just shrugged and said, "Because I like it. Because I can." lol So I guess that's how I feel about this blog, about my words, about my experiences and translating them to you. I feel...well I write this...because I can...and you CAN respond however you like...because YOU can . Isn't that amazingly freeing?
So as my house remains decorated in silver and purple for Christmas, I sigh and chuckle...it's good to be in a place where I respond, I do, because I can....and maybe hopefully a long the way my actions and words will help someone else believe they CAN too!
Cheers! Here's to puking purple because you can!
One man's caution is not another man's truth!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Heartbroken and....sitting? Sounds like a country song.
Every day is a roller coaster...and I've found it exhausting to try and fight all the emotions. As for this week...between being sick with the flu and dealing with the reality of my newly acquired status (again)...I feel as though I'm drowning in pain. But what's been interesting....when I let myself cry, when I let myself be sad...there's almost this reprieve. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to wallow....nor get swallowed up by heaviness and depression....but there's something to allowing myself not be okay...I don't know...it's like I'm saying...yes I'm sick and I need to rest and take Nyquil (a LOT of it...lol).
Giving myself premission to not be okay, reminded me of something I felt the Lord showed me years ago. I was living in Nashville, had an amazing job, but lonely and heart broken. There was yet another disappointment that happened and I laid crying in my bed one night....just begging to God to make it stop (ever felt that way?) Then I sat up, wiped my tears and headed to the restroom...then I heard a voice. It was clear, firm and as though right next to me. I heard, "Who were you just talking to?" I stopped cold. "What?" Then again, "Who were you just talking to?" "I guess I was talking to you Lord?" Then is was as though the atmosphere shifted and I wasn't afraid or even shocked anymore "No you weren't. You were telling yourself what you thought I would say. Go sit down, close your eyes and just be silent." So I did (would you argue?)
As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes I saw this vivid picture in my mind. It was of a little girl with long hair. She was laying on someone's lap bawling her little eyes out. Heart wrenching cries...then a fatherly hand started to stroke her hair and next thing I knew tears were falling into her hair. I heard him say, "This is what I wanted to do. You are hurting so I am hurting. You are crying so I am crying with you." There was no pressure, no rush...not even a simple answer. Just a simple "I want to be with you."
Sigh....to know God at that level? To not just desire an answer, but desire His presence...to know He hurts because I'm hurting. To know His heart breaks when my heart breaks...that motivates me to want to do this His way. Although hard..although scary...although with no promises or answers. It's hard to look into the future and be hopeful....to envision something different or better. But then knowing I don't have to prove anything....seek some kind of answer....to just be without shame. I suppose life gets pretty simple when it's more about "being" and less about answers and striving.
Giving myself premission to not be okay, reminded me of something I felt the Lord showed me years ago. I was living in Nashville, had an amazing job, but lonely and heart broken. There was yet another disappointment that happened and I laid crying in my bed one night....just begging to God to make it stop (ever felt that way?) Then I sat up, wiped my tears and headed to the restroom...then I heard a voice. It was clear, firm and as though right next to me. I heard, "Who were you just talking to?" I stopped cold. "What?" Then again, "Who were you just talking to?" "I guess I was talking to you Lord?" Then is was as though the atmosphere shifted and I wasn't afraid or even shocked anymore "No you weren't. You were telling yourself what you thought I would say. Go sit down, close your eyes and just be silent." So I did (would you argue?)
As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes I saw this vivid picture in my mind. It was of a little girl with long hair. She was laying on someone's lap bawling her little eyes out. Heart wrenching cries...then a fatherly hand started to stroke her hair and next thing I knew tears were falling into her hair. I heard him say, "This is what I wanted to do. You are hurting so I am hurting. You are crying so I am crying with you." There was no pressure, no rush...not even a simple answer. Just a simple "I want to be with you."
Sigh....to know God at that level? To not just desire an answer, but desire His presence...to know He hurts because I'm hurting. To know His heart breaks when my heart breaks...that motivates me to want to do this His way. Although hard..although scary...although with no promises or answers. It's hard to look into the future and be hopeful....to envision something different or better. But then knowing I don't have to prove anything....seek some kind of answer....to just be without shame. I suppose life gets pretty simple when it's more about "being" and less about answers and striving.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Church, carbs, and good ole' intimacy issues?
After a fantastic church service about maintaining a thankful attitude in life I went to lunch with friends to a yummy Italian restaurant. And of course, when there are broken but thriving women eating together...an amazing heart to heart about all things relationship WILL happen.
During that conversation it became clear to me how much I am still hurt over a few things in my marriage. For one I felt my ex-husband never really knew me...there wasn't even a real effort to try. In fact I knew I had made a grave mistake when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I thought you were this perfect person." (This was, of course, said after I felt I messed up and asking for grace). I remember feeling so defeated, rejected and unloved. I also remember thinking...where is my safe haven? Where is it okay to not be okay?
It was as though we said "I do, I love you"...and then nothing. I'm convinced he knows as much about me now as he did on our wedding day. There was no effort to understand my heart, to know why I acted or reacted to certain things. Why I struggled with some issues and remained resolved on others. No desire to know my dreams and hopes...we never even discussed baby names.Then after rehashing all this unloveliness over pasta it occurred to me....is this how God feels? How often do I act as though I love Him but turn from authentically knowing Him. I claimed all this love for Him...but then dont' have a clue what makes him tick. Don't understand his love towards me. His anger, frustration AND joy. I don't get it!
Honestly, how often do we claimed to love Him but not really know Him? We talk about Him, show up for service, discuss Christian issues with Christian friends, even read/memorize scripture yet there isn't a true connection, a true understanding of Him. In the same way my ex did not want to understand my joy, anger, desires and fears....I wonder do I know God's heart, His emotions? Have I even asked? Have I even made an effort? Do I just read the Bible looking for a face value answer...but never dive into all the important stuff behind the message?
It's also interesting to me how intimacy...true intimacy is usually birth in the most difficult of times. Have you experienced that? After a huge mistake, tragic loss or broken dream...it's those that stick around, those that help carry you, those that might not have understood but stood anyways...and then there's this bond. An unmistakeable tie that takes friendship and love to a wordless knowing. As though there's a connection that time and heartache can no longer break. And we all crave that don't we? To be fully known and fully loved. To be accepted in both the beauty and pain. To be supported in both brokenness and victory. Oh my, how our relationships would change. If I didn't want you to be something or someone for me.....but to just know you, understand you. If you accepted me, loved me in both Godliness and sin. What would that be like?
Cheers to church, carbs and intimacy issues....
During that conversation it became clear to me how much I am still hurt over a few things in my marriage. For one I felt my ex-husband never really knew me...there wasn't even a real effort to try. In fact I knew I had made a grave mistake when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I thought you were this perfect person." (This was, of course, said after I felt I messed up and asking for grace). I remember feeling so defeated, rejected and unloved. I also remember thinking...where is my safe haven? Where is it okay to not be okay?
It was as though we said "I do, I love you"...and then nothing. I'm convinced he knows as much about me now as he did on our wedding day. There was no effort to understand my heart, to know why I acted or reacted to certain things. Why I struggled with some issues and remained resolved on others. No desire to know my dreams and hopes...we never even discussed baby names.Then after rehashing all this unloveliness over pasta it occurred to me....is this how God feels? How often do I act as though I love Him but turn from authentically knowing Him. I claimed all this love for Him...but then dont' have a clue what makes him tick. Don't understand his love towards me. His anger, frustration AND joy. I don't get it!
Honestly, how often do we claimed to love Him but not really know Him? We talk about Him, show up for service, discuss Christian issues with Christian friends, even read/memorize scripture yet there isn't a true connection, a true understanding of Him. In the same way my ex did not want to understand my joy, anger, desires and fears....I wonder do I know God's heart, His emotions? Have I even asked? Have I even made an effort? Do I just read the Bible looking for a face value answer...but never dive into all the important stuff behind the message?
It's also interesting to me how intimacy...true intimacy is usually birth in the most difficult of times. Have you experienced that? After a huge mistake, tragic loss or broken dream...it's those that stick around, those that help carry you, those that might not have understood but stood anyways...and then there's this bond. An unmistakeable tie that takes friendship and love to a wordless knowing. As though there's a connection that time and heartache can no longer break. And we all crave that don't we? To be fully known and fully loved. To be accepted in both the beauty and pain. To be supported in both brokenness and victory. Oh my, how our relationships would change. If I didn't want you to be something or someone for me.....but to just know you, understand you. If you accepted me, loved me in both Godliness and sin. What would that be like?
Cheers to church, carbs and intimacy issues....
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Beautiful People
Ever been around one of those people that is so beautiful, so lovely you "have" to be next to them? I'm not referring to the supermodels of the world...I'm talking about the individuals that are beautiful from a deeper place. The ones that have such a rich sense of life and depth of faith that you must know them. You must befriend them. You need to know their secret, what they have learned in life. The ones we would willingly buy their knowledge but are just honored they find us worthy of the 30 minutes or even seconds that they bestow their wisdom and attention on us...yet somehow there's not even an ounce of entitlement or superiority.
Well I've met a few of them recently...and I've learned from their stories....that all of them have come out of deep brokenness-addiction, abusive relationships, tragic loss and/or divorce. All of them have not only survived their past but weathered the storms well. They felt the brokenness of rejection, loneliness, disappointment and pain. What I've heard though is most reached out, became vulnerable, sought God and cried themselves to sleep at night. It's true!...and this isn't a pretty picture...this isn't the quick pill of healing I'd love to some how invent but when I'm in their presence all I can think is....I want to know what you know. I want to have what you have. I want to be like YOU! And although I still want to run and hide from my situation..if I can become more like a diamond in the rough and less like a lump of coal...well then it's encouraging to push through the pain and muck.
Don't get me wrong...none of this makes my situation easier...but it does give me a shot of truth serum of sorts. Although the pain is more than i think I can handle at times...maybe one day....I'll be the type of beauty that inspires healing and hope. Healing for those whose hearts are broken beyond expression and hope for a future that can't be yet seen. Can I be that for someone? I don't know...but I guess....I guess I can lean on their experiences to find hope and faith for the future.
Cheers! here's to taking the road less taken....
Well I've met a few of them recently...and I've learned from their stories....that all of them have come out of deep brokenness-addiction, abusive relationships, tragic loss and/or divorce. All of them have not only survived their past but weathered the storms well. They felt the brokenness of rejection, loneliness, disappointment and pain. What I've heard though is most reached out, became vulnerable, sought God and cried themselves to sleep at night. It's true!...and this isn't a pretty picture...this isn't the quick pill of healing I'd love to some how invent but when I'm in their presence all I can think is....I want to know what you know. I want to have what you have. I want to be like YOU! And although I still want to run and hide from my situation..if I can become more like a diamond in the rough and less like a lump of coal...well then it's encouraging to push through the pain and muck.
Don't get me wrong...none of this makes my situation easier...but it does give me a shot of truth serum of sorts. Although the pain is more than i think I can handle at times...maybe one day....I'll be the type of beauty that inspires healing and hope. Healing for those whose hearts are broken beyond expression and hope for a future that can't be yet seen. Can I be that for someone? I don't know...but I guess....I guess I can lean on their experiences to find hope and faith for the future.
Cheers! here's to taking the road less taken....
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Lost!
I survived my 2nd anniversary and am now approaching the exciting yet scary holiday season. I remember in grad school going to hay rides and Harvest fest wondering what life would be like in my 30's....lol. I never thought I'd be here BUT there a few things to be grateful for...a HUGE one being my best friends. I'm grateful God gave me my friend Rachael that I could visit on my 2nd anniversary...and that she (and Erik) have the cutest twins which a chubby little distractions that could make anyone's heart melt. And for my freedom day (we renamed it) they took me out for authentic Korean and THEN an indulgent Strawberry cake from the Korean bakery (you read that right folks). All in all because of my friends the day was more of a bittersweet celebration then a tradegy. Which made me think....
I survived my 2nd anniversary because I'm loved. I'm made it this far because I have friends that know my blind spots and dark places but are still in love with me as their friend. I've had to confess some ugly and dark parts of myself lately...due to..well my circumstances and...honestly...while I fully expected (and deserved) a lecture of sorts I actually ended up feeling more accepted and understood then ever. So I wondered do I show this same love to others in my life. For instance with my clients that come with a lot hidden and unlovely...do they feel that I can look past those places and help them find the good. Or what about my friends...what about your friends? If they came to you with a shameful confession or maybe just a really bad day, are you able to deal with it or do you need them to be only good? Do we love the unlovable? Could we love them through the gray?
I've come to realize what I thought I lost, but wasn't real (as a result of looking whole heartedly at my friendships). I lost a friend...I lost the person I became the most vulnerable with in my life...and the lesson I learned...not everyone is okay with my darkest places. I lost immediate and constant companionship but learned that someone being "around" all the time does not mean "being known or wanted." I lost another family that loved me, but I learned love can be conditional when applied to others intimacies. I lost financial security but learned there is such thing as a proverty spirit no matter how much money. I lost my picture, my dream....but somehow in someway I know there has to be a better dream!
I know there's better and more...and one of the reasons I can confidently say that is because of the friends God has given me. Despite myself, the constant has been His presence...even through the voices of my friends. Even more so...when I should be judged...when I should be held to the fire...they (my friends) are gracious, forgiving and desire to know the beat of my heart...to truly understand the reasons behind my decisions...yet not judge me as a result.
I survived my 2nd anniversary because I'm loved. I'm made it this far because I have friends that know my blind spots and dark places but are still in love with me as their friend. I've had to confess some ugly and dark parts of myself lately...due to..well my circumstances and...honestly...while I fully expected (and deserved) a lecture of sorts I actually ended up feeling more accepted and understood then ever. So I wondered do I show this same love to others in my life. For instance with my clients that come with a lot hidden and unlovely...do they feel that I can look past those places and help them find the good. Or what about my friends...what about your friends? If they came to you with a shameful confession or maybe just a really bad day, are you able to deal with it or do you need them to be only good? Do we love the unlovable? Could we love them through the gray?
I've come to realize what I thought I lost, but wasn't real (as a result of looking whole heartedly at my friendships). I lost a friend...I lost the person I became the most vulnerable with in my life...and the lesson I learned...not everyone is okay with my darkest places. I lost immediate and constant companionship but learned that someone being "around" all the time does not mean "being known or wanted." I lost another family that loved me, but I learned love can be conditional when applied to others intimacies. I lost financial security but learned there is such thing as a proverty spirit no matter how much money. I lost my picture, my dream....but somehow in someway I know there has to be a better dream!
I know there's better and more...and one of the reasons I can confidently say that is because of the friends God has given me. Despite myself, the constant has been His presence...even through the voices of my friends. Even more so...when I should be judged...when I should be held to the fire...they (my friends) are gracious, forgiving and desire to know the beat of my heart...to truly understand the reasons behind my decisions...yet not judge me as a result.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A sense of adventure
I've been asked, the last couple of days, when my next blog would be posted. It's both flattering and humbling to realize that there are those of you that find my words inspiring and entertaining. Thank you for all your encouragement and support! Seriously...your kind words have spurred me on these last few days. Here are my latest thoughts....
If we live free...if you lived free...what would you do different now then what you have been doing? I've been thinking a lot about this....this word/concept/principle...living "free." Free from fear, condemnation, shame and disappointment. Free from others' judgement and limitations. How would I live differently if I believed I was free?
The other day I was going through my day fighting feelings of shame and guilt. Quoting my scripture, praying my prayers and REALLY trying to talk myself out of the funk that fuzzed my brain and spirit. Then this crazy idea came to my mind (leave it to the HS to do that)....if I'm free...if there's no condemnation for those that believe in Christ...what am I doing right now? I was condemning myself. Living in the same self-judgement and criticism I have submitted myself to for years. So, it occurred to me, if I was free, if I'm not condemned...what would be different? WELL...for one I would look at my mistakes and failings as...lessons...painful ones, hard ones... but the lessons that clearly Jesus saved me from, however, it's my own humanity that has subjected me to. I would not sit and analyze every wrong motive, thought, action and belief that leads into the shame that can bind and create a stronghold....I would accept that I did wrong and move on. I would understand my heart and spirit is motivated to live for Christ, think and act upon that reality and believe what God has said about me!
SO, ironically today....after days of meditating on this...I had a really bad emotional day (of course...leave it to the enemy). A day I actually woke up with a pain so real in my heart to that I bawled while I worked out and...even when I took a shower. BUT THEN I thought....if I was free to feel and let be....what would I be doing differently?
Honestly, I'd feel without fear or abandon. I would realize that growth and development only make me more of the woman God wants me to be. I would dive into the things I love like art, travel, music and love. I would take a pottery class, plan a vacation with friends, sing in the worship team and love my family and friends as though I might die tomorrow. Even more so...I realized...1) I love to plan things. I love parties, get togethers and adventures. Some of the most fulfilling moments in my life were when I took a team to a foreign country, and the experiences there changed their lives forever. The stories I tell to this day cause laughter, tears and inspiration. 2)I also love to get people together that are from every area of my life (church, school, social, work and random). I love creating groups that offer an opportunity for safety and genuine growth. I've loved that I have had friends from all walks of life that attended parties and activites that are meant to connect complete strangers because they trust me.
The other day I was reminded that there are many that don't know where to look for networking or adventure....especially within the realm of safety and Christianity. SO...for the sense of adventure...why not! Why not plan fun activities that allow others to meet and make connection. Why not ask others if they want to go on vacation or a mission trip? Why not take a stranger to lunch or dinner? Why not? The most fun memories and moments of my life were instigated by the sense of adventure. The desire to do something different and out of the ordinary. To know someone I wouldn't normally befriend or even think to know. An action that I would normally be paralyzed by fear to pursue. The sense of adventure...the essence of God's wild nature. WHY NOT!?!?!?! I think the sense of adventure...when motivated and inspired by God..propels us to the edge of life that we could never dream we could go.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - yes, 45 minutes on my treadmill
Do something for someone else - well I helped out family this weekend...love that I can do that
Do something for myself - loved on a client today
Eat well - i think so...calorie conscious at least
Emotional state: happy
High point: Sapulpa "sat" today...it was exciting
Low point: woke up sleepy
Tip of the day: a little bit of chicken broth in homemade tomato sauce...makes ALL the difference
If we live free...if you lived free...what would you do different now then what you have been doing? I've been thinking a lot about this....this word/concept/principle...living "free." Free from fear, condemnation, shame and disappointment. Free from others' judgement and limitations. How would I live differently if I believed I was free?
The other day I was going through my day fighting feelings of shame and guilt. Quoting my scripture, praying my prayers and REALLY trying to talk myself out of the funk that fuzzed my brain and spirit. Then this crazy idea came to my mind (leave it to the HS to do that)....if I'm free...if there's no condemnation for those that believe in Christ...what am I doing right now? I was condemning myself. Living in the same self-judgement and criticism I have submitted myself to for years. So, it occurred to me, if I was free, if I'm not condemned...what would be different? WELL...for one I would look at my mistakes and failings as...lessons...painful ones, hard ones... but the lessons that clearly Jesus saved me from, however, it's my own humanity that has subjected me to. I would not sit and analyze every wrong motive, thought, action and belief that leads into the shame that can bind and create a stronghold....I would accept that I did wrong and move on. I would understand my heart and spirit is motivated to live for Christ, think and act upon that reality and believe what God has said about me!
SO, ironically today....after days of meditating on this...I had a really bad emotional day (of course...leave it to the enemy). A day I actually woke up with a pain so real in my heart to that I bawled while I worked out and...even when I took a shower. BUT THEN I thought....if I was free to feel and let be....what would I be doing differently?
Honestly, I'd feel without fear or abandon. I would realize that growth and development only make me more of the woman God wants me to be. I would dive into the things I love like art, travel, music and love. I would take a pottery class, plan a vacation with friends, sing in the worship team and love my family and friends as though I might die tomorrow. Even more so...I realized...1) I love to plan things. I love parties, get togethers and adventures. Some of the most fulfilling moments in my life were when I took a team to a foreign country, and the experiences there changed their lives forever. The stories I tell to this day cause laughter, tears and inspiration. 2)I also love to get people together that are from every area of my life (church, school, social, work and random). I love creating groups that offer an opportunity for safety and genuine growth. I've loved that I have had friends from all walks of life that attended parties and activites that are meant to connect complete strangers because they trust me.
The other day I was reminded that there are many that don't know where to look for networking or adventure....especially within the realm of safety and Christianity. SO...for the sense of adventure...why not! Why not plan fun activities that allow others to meet and make connection. Why not ask others if they want to go on vacation or a mission trip? Why not take a stranger to lunch or dinner? Why not? The most fun memories and moments of my life were instigated by the sense of adventure. The desire to do something different and out of the ordinary. To know someone I wouldn't normally befriend or even think to know. An action that I would normally be paralyzed by fear to pursue. The sense of adventure...the essence of God's wild nature. WHY NOT!?!?!?! I think the sense of adventure...when motivated and inspired by God..propels us to the edge of life that we could never dream we could go.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - yes, 45 minutes on my treadmill
Do something for someone else - well I helped out family this weekend...love that I can do that
Do something for myself - loved on a client today
Eat well - i think so...calorie conscious at least
Emotional state: happy
High point: Sapulpa "sat" today...it was exciting
Low point: woke up sleepy
Tip of the day: a little bit of chicken broth in homemade tomato sauce...makes ALL the difference
Monday, August 29, 2011
Holy Spirit..old school style
I had an incredible encounter with God last night. The kind that left me electrified to point I was trembling and overwhelmed with emotion. It was a night like the old revivals without the sawdust floors and open air tents. The kinds of services where children and adults alike laugh, bawl, and fall out under the move of God. It was amazing! And I realize I miss that…I miss the power of
God, and even more I miss that feeling of deep satisfaction after experiencing the Holy Spirit. The experience that compels you to look any skeptic in the eye and boldly said, “I don’t care what you call it. The Holy Spirit is real and alive.”
God, and even more I miss that feeling of deep satisfaction after experiencing the Holy Spirit. The experience that compels you to look any skeptic in the eye and boldly said, “I don’t care what you call it. The Holy Spirit is real and alive.”
Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate the way the church has sought balance and seeker friendly services. I like how now we can wear jeans to Sunday services and take coffee INTO the auditorium. And I love how we have welcomed, more and more, the unlovely, the broken and even the hated into our church families. I feel these are vast improvements and have helped cultivate more real and safe environments….but what’s the balance? Have we sacrificed one only to create an imbalance in another?
I can tell you one thing: it took only one encounter, one moment, one touch from God and His power to remind me that I miss the Holy Spirit. Not the chills, the crazy reactions or powerful winds…..the Holy Spirit - His comfort, His peace and His counsel. Have we really become so turned off or intimidated by the workings of the Holy Spirit that we ask Him to sit on the back row and only come when He absolutely has to? Well, again I will say it, I miss Him…and I feel compelled to say we will need the Holy Spirit more in the coming days.
The Holy Spirit is the person of the Trinity that reveals the voice and purpose of God. It’s the Holy Spirit that counsels, leads and convicts us of God’s heart and spirit. And yes, He even gets us closer to God through tangible experiences and manifestations. And I’m sorry but what’s intimidating about that? Have we…or let me take it home….have I become on independent that I can no longer understand the remarkable gift that is the Holy Spirit? Have I become so selfish and intoxicated with this world that no longer require God’s help, instruction or conviction? Have I become so preoccupied with being a creator that I forget I’m the creation?
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - nope....just my ears
Do something for someone else - had a send off for a sweet client
Do something for myself - was able to spend time with a friend
Eat well - ummmm....I think so....wait maybe not...lol
Emotional state: content
High point: bought MAC makeup and had lunch with Amy
Low point: discover my puppy had chewed up two of my blinds
Tip of the day: what we focus on becomes our reality
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - nope....just my ears
Do something for someone else - had a send off for a sweet client
Do something for myself - was able to spend time with a friend
Eat well - ummmm....I think so....wait maybe not...lol
Emotional state: content
High point: bought MAC makeup and had lunch with Amy
Low point: discover my puppy had chewed up two of my blinds
Tip of the day: what we focus on becomes our reality
Friday, August 26, 2011
wait for it, wait for it.....KISS HER ALREADY!
This week has been emotionally hard for me...and, honestly, I have no idea why. Ever had one of those weeks? In the natural everything seems good and moving forward. Work has been busy, my circle of friends strengthens and grows, and I live in a beautiful state and home near my family. Sooooo what's gives?
Well, I did notice that I had to "wait" on many times this past week...and I can not stand waiting. I don't like waiting for the phone to ring. I don't like waiting for my dog to poop (it seriously takes forever some days). I don't like sitting in my office waiting for my next client. I don't even like waiting for the good parts in movies (KISS HER ALREADY). And I definitely don't like waiting for the future. Wait....waiting for the future? Why does that irritate me?
I wonder if it has to do with my fear of the future, and maybe waiting means (to me) I could be doing something else to help move faster towards the future. (Side note: when I'm saying "future" I'm not thinking of some far way time or land. The actual word appears in my head but it's fuzzy, sparkling and rippling. As though it's some magical, unattainable word, like a carrot being dangled in front of a horse. lol) But WHAT am I trying to move towards? What's the fear?
Sigh! Honestly, my fear is my reality. I am once again single, without a family, trying to make friends and very tired of working on myself so I can be happy and attractive. Ouch! Okay, so based on rereading the previous statement, waiting means to me that I am just sitting back and hoping the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I mean I guess that's what it means to me.
Yikes...so I'm not trusting God. I am not trusting His understanding of my situation, my pain, the state of my heart and desires. Ugh..back to Sunday school for me. Wait, trust, patience, relax....sounds intimidating to me. And what do I do when I'm intimidated? CONTROL! (The plot thickens) So....something happens and I have to wait. I get irritated or restless and attempt to figure out how I could be out doing something else (working out to help me be more attractive or meeting a new friend so I'm less lonely) to move me towards the "future" and away from my reality. Well that's quite a humbling revelation.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - not yet today
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....unless a lot of walking up and down three flights of stairs plus cleaning all day counts.
Do something for someone else - offered to buy the soda and lemonade for the Legacy Chapel BBQ
Do something for myself - taking a night off
Eat well - cooking a healthy version of Beef Stew
Emotional state: humbled and reflective
High point: booked my ticket to DC
Low point: paying bills
Tip of the day: a clean, organized space helps the mind and body relax
Well, I did notice that I had to "wait" on many times this past week...and I can not stand waiting. I don't like waiting for the phone to ring. I don't like waiting for my dog to poop (it seriously takes forever some days). I don't like sitting in my office waiting for my next client. I don't even like waiting for the good parts in movies (KISS HER ALREADY). And I definitely don't like waiting for the future. Wait....waiting for the future? Why does that irritate me?
I wonder if it has to do with my fear of the future, and maybe waiting means (to me) I could be doing something else to help move faster towards the future. (Side note: when I'm saying "future" I'm not thinking of some far way time or land. The actual word appears in my head but it's fuzzy, sparkling and rippling. As though it's some magical, unattainable word, like a carrot being dangled in front of a horse. lol) But WHAT am I trying to move towards? What's the fear?
Sigh! Honestly, my fear is my reality. I am once again single, without a family, trying to make friends and very tired of working on myself so I can be happy and attractive. Ouch! Okay, so based on rereading the previous statement, waiting means to me that I am just sitting back and hoping the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I mean I guess that's what it means to me.
Yikes...so I'm not trusting God. I am not trusting His understanding of my situation, my pain, the state of my heart and desires. Ugh..back to Sunday school for me. Wait, trust, patience, relax....sounds intimidating to me. And what do I do when I'm intimidated? CONTROL! (The plot thickens) So....something happens and I have to wait. I get irritated or restless and attempt to figure out how I could be out doing something else (working out to help me be more attractive or meeting a new friend so I'm less lonely) to move me towards the "future" and away from my reality. Well that's quite a humbling revelation.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - not yet today
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....unless a lot of walking up and down three flights of stairs plus cleaning all day counts.
Do something for someone else - offered to buy the soda and lemonade for the Legacy Chapel BBQ
Do something for myself - taking a night off
Eat well - cooking a healthy version of Beef Stew
Emotional state: humbled and reflective
High point: booked my ticket to DC
Low point: paying bills
Tip of the day: a clean, organized space helps the mind and body relax
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friends For A Season, Friends for A Reason
Day...oh who knows these days!
A friend once told me "some friends are there for a reason and some are there for a season." Weirdly enough this was a friend that I'm no longer close to, but the truth still sticks...and I thought a lot about it today. I feel blessed, because I've spent the day (in class) and dinner laughing and talking with new friends....friends that could be both.
During the day, I discovered I sat next to Elvis Presley's pastor's son. lol (Try that five times fast.) He's a man well into his 60's that has quite a few interesting stories. Then I had dinner with three new friends, one is which is from China. We had amazing laughs about her adventures in America and mine in China. Such awesome belly laughs and deep, thoughtful moments in both cases. And I couldn't help but think....I'm grateful for friends that are "sometimes just for a season....and who knows the reason"
Honestly, I know that I would not have been able to make it through this without the "friends for a reason." They are the ones that look me in the eyes and tell me the truth and still love me...because they know me and want the best for me and my future. They take my midnight calls and listen to my roller coaster days. I know their daily struggles and the confessions that need grace and understanding. They are my God friends...my heart....my reason (many times) for remembering that I was put on this earth to love and live for others. BUT...it's the friends for the season...that help for all the times in between....almost like anethestic or rather electro shock for who God wants me to be. I can even apply this to my clients (I hate calling them this by the way..it's why you'll hear me refer to them as my girls, or teens, or kids).
I've seen some clients for a while...and they are constant reminders and encouragement. Then there are those clients that are like flashes in the pan. They don't last long, but for some reason or other they remind me to stay sharp, close to the Holy Spirit, and current. They are quick and lively, not always leaving happy or "fixed," but marked (for both of us) nonetheless. And each experience...even if I don't always recall everything it pushed me to be better, want better and know better. Toknow there is higher, deeper, wider places to venture.
So my recent "friends for a season," meaning those that i know are only there for the duration of my class or stint of their internship..I'm reminded...the world is an interesting, diverse, deep and colorful place. I'm reminded God really is in control (I mean how many people sit next to someone that actually knew Elvis Presley). And sometimes, I think, only to remind me that the world is a big place..and destiny can occur in the most unlikely places. AND destiny doesn't have to mean a destination it can be a moment, a memorial that moves us forward...sparking the memory of how God can do anything, at anytime, through anyone.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strenght in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....although my brain is fried
Do something for someone else - paid for dinner for a friend
Do something for myself - took a class to expand my horizones
Eat well - ABSOULTELY
Emotional state: happy
High point: laughed, laughed from my belly
Low point: reality, reality, reality
Tip of the day: mystery is magic
A friend once told me "some friends are there for a reason and some are there for a season." Weirdly enough this was a friend that I'm no longer close to, but the truth still sticks...and I thought a lot about it today. I feel blessed, because I've spent the day (in class) and dinner laughing and talking with new friends....friends that could be both.
During the day, I discovered I sat next to Elvis Presley's pastor's son. lol (Try that five times fast.) He's a man well into his 60's that has quite a few interesting stories. Then I had dinner with three new friends, one is which is from China. We had amazing laughs about her adventures in America and mine in China. Such awesome belly laughs and deep, thoughtful moments in both cases. And I couldn't help but think....I'm grateful for friends that are "sometimes just for a season....and who knows the reason"
Honestly, I know that I would not have been able to make it through this without the "friends for a reason." They are the ones that look me in the eyes and tell me the truth and still love me...because they know me and want the best for me and my future. They take my midnight calls and listen to my roller coaster days. I know their daily struggles and the confessions that need grace and understanding. They are my God friends...my heart....my reason (many times) for remembering that I was put on this earth to love and live for others. BUT...it's the friends for the season...that help for all the times in between....almost like anethestic or rather electro shock for who God wants me to be. I can even apply this to my clients (I hate calling them this by the way..it's why you'll hear me refer to them as my girls, or teens, or kids).
I've seen some clients for a while...and they are constant reminders and encouragement. Then there are those clients that are like flashes in the pan. They don't last long, but for some reason or other they remind me to stay sharp, close to the Holy Spirit, and current. They are quick and lively, not always leaving happy or "fixed," but marked (for both of us) nonetheless. And each experience...even if I don't always recall everything it pushed me to be better, want better and know better. Toknow there is higher, deeper, wider places to venture.
So my recent "friends for a season," meaning those that i know are only there for the duration of my class or stint of their internship..I'm reminded...the world is an interesting, diverse, deep and colorful place. I'm reminded God really is in control (I mean how many people sit next to someone that actually knew Elvis Presley). And sometimes, I think, only to remind me that the world is a big place..and destiny can occur in the most unlikely places. AND destiny doesn't have to mean a destination it can be a moment, a memorial that moves us forward...sparking the memory of how God can do anything, at anytime, through anyone.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strenght in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....although my brain is fried
Do something for someone else - paid for dinner for a friend
Do something for myself - took a class to expand my horizones
Eat well - ABSOULTELY
Emotional state: happy
High point: laughed, laughed from my belly
Low point: reality, reality, reality
Tip of the day: mystery is magic
Monday, August 15, 2011
Full Moon?
There is beauty in humility, pain in love, sacrifice in giving, and purpose in living!
Is there a full moon? I'm not sure how much of "that stuff" I believe in, but it just seems something is in the air. I had more friends and family tell me about crazy things that have happened to them in the last couple of days then I can remember in a while. A friend's house got robbed, another friend has been trying to help a suicidal neighbor, my brother's family came down with the stomach flu, etc. And unfortunately it was a wake up call for me...."Hey Bone head...you're not the only one going through something right now." Even crazier....the world becomes very small and lifeless when it's all about me. Then when I find out something else (and in this case a lot of somethings) is going on it's a deer caught in the headlight look from me. "You mean the world is still existing without me?" lol I wonder if that's not a huge trap of the enemy?
I'm not trying to invalidate my reality right now (because it's SUCKS)...but I wonder...is this a normal scheme of the devil? We get so obsessed and focused on our own pain that we can not see the forest through the trees? I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned...that when I need help it's okay to rely on others, see the red flags for what they are, trust yourself and friends.....but it's not okay to forget that we are all apart of a bigger picture. Yes, there are seasons for everything...and it's okay to grieve, it's okay to need time to focus on self, and it's okay to even disappear for a time to work through things...It fact it's my time to die (metaphorically speaking) and mourn....BUT when we are eternally minded...how does much of that change? The focus I mean.
I don't want to focus solely on myself. Don't get me wrong...I need the focus to work on a few things that need major tweeking...but focusing only on me causes me to forget the reason I'm alive...to love God and live for others. To further the kingdom and beat the crap out of Satan's plan to diminish the people of God. I think Satan wants us to get preoccupied with ourselves and our mess so that we are so bound we can't aid in the freedom of others. Believe me I KNOW this is easier "typed" then practiced....there are days I don't want to get out of bed much less listen to one of teens talk about their dysfunctional relationships or a friend rehash some daily difficulty...but it's in those moments I have to remember..."I am confident of this..I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13. I must remember...if even one of my teens walks away free and can lead others into freedom....the struggle was worth it. If a friend felt wanted and understood maybe they will be more engaged with their child or husband. This puts me in a place of humility and responsibility. It also allows me a place to openly receive the help I need but also understand that place will be called upon in the future...so learn now...learn deeply and heal fully.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"Psalms 27:13, "I am confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Worship - nope....but I will
Work out - yes 50 minutes...but I just purchased and tried "Turbo Jam" from Beachbody...love it
Do something for someone else - sent a fun card to a friend
Do something for myself - went out with a old college buddy
Eat well - probably not
Emotional state: happy
High point: went tanning and told the tanning salon I won't be renewing my contract...lol
Low point: reality check about my self-absorption lately
Tip of the day: a merry heart, doth good like a medicine...LAUGH
Is there a full moon? I'm not sure how much of "that stuff" I believe in, but it just seems something is in the air. I had more friends and family tell me about crazy things that have happened to them in the last couple of days then I can remember in a while. A friend's house got robbed, another friend has been trying to help a suicidal neighbor, my brother's family came down with the stomach flu, etc. And unfortunately it was a wake up call for me...."Hey Bone head...you're not the only one going through something right now." Even crazier....the world becomes very small and lifeless when it's all about me. Then when I find out something else (and in this case a lot of somethings) is going on it's a deer caught in the headlight look from me. "You mean the world is still existing without me?" lol I wonder if that's not a huge trap of the enemy?
I'm not trying to invalidate my reality right now (because it's SUCKS)...but I wonder...is this a normal scheme of the devil? We get so obsessed and focused on our own pain that we can not see the forest through the trees? I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned...that when I need help it's okay to rely on others, see the red flags for what they are, trust yourself and friends.....but it's not okay to forget that we are all apart of a bigger picture. Yes, there are seasons for everything...and it's okay to grieve, it's okay to need time to focus on self, and it's okay to even disappear for a time to work through things...It fact it's my time to die (metaphorically speaking) and mourn....BUT when we are eternally minded...how does much of that change? The focus I mean.
I don't want to focus solely on myself. Don't get me wrong...I need the focus to work on a few things that need major tweeking...but focusing only on me causes me to forget the reason I'm alive...to love God and live for others. To further the kingdom and beat the crap out of Satan's plan to diminish the people of God. I think Satan wants us to get preoccupied with ourselves and our mess so that we are so bound we can't aid in the freedom of others. Believe me I KNOW this is easier "typed" then practiced....there are days I don't want to get out of bed much less listen to one of teens talk about their dysfunctional relationships or a friend rehash some daily difficulty...but it's in those moments I have to remember..."I am confident of this..I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13. I must remember...if even one of my teens walks away free and can lead others into freedom....the struggle was worth it. If a friend felt wanted and understood maybe they will be more engaged with their child or husband. This puts me in a place of humility and responsibility. It also allows me a place to openly receive the help I need but also understand that place will be called upon in the future...so learn now...learn deeply and heal fully.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"Psalms 27:13, "I am confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Worship - nope....but I will
Work out - yes 50 minutes...but I just purchased and tried "Turbo Jam" from Beachbody...love it
Do something for someone else - sent a fun card to a friend
Do something for myself - went out with a old college buddy
Eat well - probably not
Emotional state: happy
High point: went tanning and told the tanning salon I won't be renewing my contract...lol
Low point: reality check about my self-absorption lately
Tip of the day: a merry heart, doth good like a medicine...LAUGH
Friday, August 12, 2011
"Let's get ready to rumble"
Day 670 (I have no idea what day it is....lol)
Ever wonder why we feel the need to defend ourselves? Lately, I have wondered why I felt the need to "stick up for myself" to people that hardly know me; even those that I could care less what their opinions are now. Maybe worse I want to defend my "honor" and sanity from those that have chosen their opponent (well obviously), hearing only one side of the story . lol It's funny in ways, but it isn't. It's amazing to me how much my self-preservation kicks in when I hear "you're crazy", "TO religious" or friendships will be ended if he ever thought of reconciliation (his friends not mine)...I can't help but go into defensiveness. The need to explain my side of the story, rescue my sanity, my reality. Defend my reputation.
Today I sat across from an "authority figure" (if you will)...drilling me with questions and information that related to a situation that happened months and months ago (unrelated to my marriage). It occurred to me...this person doesn't even care what my actual feelings or reality at this moment, they only care about the past...or the "details" that described that situation...then acted genuinely surprised when I answered with feeling or opinion that did not line up with the "idea" they had already formulated or "thought" was truth. (please excuse any attempt to talk in code...I'm not trying to but at the same time I'd like to keep things private..and this is unrelated to my marriage and divorce). Then the last question the "authority figure" asked me was, "how do you feel about being in this situation?" And I instantly responded, "Judged, annoyed and unaware." The "authority figure" blinked and finally, for the first time, looked away from her computer screen at me and asked, "really?" I just smiled and responded, "how could I not?"
Then I went to lunch with a wise friend, and she reminded me that we can not live in the past nor live out others preceptions of us or our actions. She said "you either live in the past, the present or the future, but most of the time God is not camped out in the past, so then who are you living for?" In her story she had come out of a long term, compromising relationship when she met her (now) husband. She claimed she knew almost instantly he was the one. It was hard for her to leave a current relationship (although strikingly wrong for her) and move into what she instantly felt was right (and in the end it was hard for both of them)....but they both came to realize...is the past (what we came out of) worth sacrificing what we feel God wants for us?
Okay pause...I feel like I've miss a step in the story. I left the office of the previous situation feeling dejected, unknown and uncared about. It felt as though there was nothing that I could say that would ever justify my past or even defend who I am now. So when I met with my friend for lunch...it was revelation for me that my past (and therefore those that judge from the past) does not define who I am now or who I want to be. God does not live in the past...He uses the past to move us forward.
So what was my revelation? I realized I have been trying so hard to defend my past actions and decisions. To justify my feelings because somehow they would bridge my past to my present....and even explain the future. That if I could reconcile my past it would somehow credentialize current decisions or feelings. But in the end...what am I fighting for? Am I trying to make myself look good in the past or move forward with God's future for me? Am I trying to reconstruct walls and ideas that no longer apply or am I attempting to just be who I am, who I know God says I am...or am I fighting for a reputation that I feel has to be maintained or defended?
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - James 1
Worship - nope
Work out - Turbo Jam (Cardio Party)
Do something for someone else - avoid, avoid, avoid...and if you knew the situation BELIEVE me you'd agree this was IN FACT doing something for someone...lol
Do something for myself - took the night off
Eat well - Yep...I think so
Emotional state: grateful and inspired
High point: my nephew just has the flu or something like that...
Low point: ugh, spent a 100.00 dollars on some really, really stupid things that I HAVE to pay for
Tip of the day: small, sentimental gifts can make such a difference
Ever wonder why we feel the need to defend ourselves? Lately, I have wondered why I felt the need to "stick up for myself" to people that hardly know me; even those that I could care less what their opinions are now. Maybe worse I want to defend my "honor" and sanity from those that have chosen their opponent (well obviously), hearing only one side of the story . lol It's funny in ways, but it isn't. It's amazing to me how much my self-preservation kicks in when I hear "you're crazy", "TO religious" or friendships will be ended if he ever thought of reconciliation (his friends not mine)...I can't help but go into defensiveness. The need to explain my side of the story, rescue my sanity, my reality. Defend my reputation.
Today I sat across from an "authority figure" (if you will)...drilling me with questions and information that related to a situation that happened months and months ago (unrelated to my marriage). It occurred to me...this person doesn't even care what my actual feelings or reality at this moment, they only care about the past...or the "details" that described that situation...then acted genuinely surprised when I answered with feeling or opinion that did not line up with the "idea" they had already formulated or "thought" was truth. (please excuse any attempt to talk in code...I'm not trying to but at the same time I'd like to keep things private..and this is unrelated to my marriage and divorce). Then the last question the "authority figure" asked me was, "how do you feel about being in this situation?" And I instantly responded, "Judged, annoyed and unaware." The "authority figure" blinked and finally, for the first time, looked away from her computer screen at me and asked, "really?" I just smiled and responded, "how could I not?"
Then I went to lunch with a wise friend, and she reminded me that we can not live in the past nor live out others preceptions of us or our actions. She said "you either live in the past, the present or the future, but most of the time God is not camped out in the past, so then who are you living for?" In her story she had come out of a long term, compromising relationship when she met her (now) husband. She claimed she knew almost instantly he was the one. It was hard for her to leave a current relationship (although strikingly wrong for her) and move into what she instantly felt was right (and in the end it was hard for both of them)....but they both came to realize...is the past (what we came out of) worth sacrificing what we feel God wants for us?
Okay pause...I feel like I've miss a step in the story. I left the office of the previous situation feeling dejected, unknown and uncared about. It felt as though there was nothing that I could say that would ever justify my past or even defend who I am now. So when I met with my friend for lunch...it was revelation for me that my past (and therefore those that judge from the past) does not define who I am now or who I want to be. God does not live in the past...He uses the past to move us forward.
So what was my revelation? I realized I have been trying so hard to defend my past actions and decisions. To justify my feelings because somehow they would bridge my past to my present....and even explain the future. That if I could reconcile my past it would somehow credentialize current decisions or feelings. But in the end...what am I fighting for? Am I trying to make myself look good in the past or move forward with God's future for me? Am I trying to reconstruct walls and ideas that no longer apply or am I attempting to just be who I am, who I know God says I am...or am I fighting for a reputation that I feel has to be maintained or defended?
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - James 1
Worship - nope
Work out - Turbo Jam (Cardio Party)
Do something for someone else - avoid, avoid, avoid...and if you knew the situation BELIEVE me you'd agree this was IN FACT doing something for someone...lol
Do something for myself - took the night off
Eat well - Yep...I think so
Emotional state: grateful and inspired
High point: my nephew just has the flu or something like that...
Low point: ugh, spent a 100.00 dollars on some really, really stupid things that I HAVE to pay for
Tip of the day: small, sentimental gifts can make such a difference
Saturday, August 6, 2011
My Jane Eyre days
"Have I become nothing to you? Am I machine without feelings? Do you think because I am poor, obscure, plain and little that I am soul-less and heartless? I have as much soul as you and full as much heart, and if God had blessed me with beauty and wealth I could make it as hard for you to leave me as it is for I to leave you." Jane Eyre by Bronte
Day 52
I've been rather quiet these days. I can't say why or how but I've enjoyed my days that would probably look a lot like lonely, pitiful cry fest. Watching "Jane Eyre" and slasher films...lol...no joke. They aren't really cry fest....I hardly cry at all, but what I've noticed is that I can not muster the emotional strength to entertain others. Then I think...is that how I've always felt about being a social person? That I am entertaining them? What does that even mean? Then I panic. Have I lost myself completely. I love people...and I love connecting....so this drought, this weird, non-effort to connect...is it here to stay? God, please, I hope not!
I watched "Jane Erye" three times today (please keep all judgemental thoughts to yourself). Something stuck out to me. Jane was so use to being disappointed yet immensely believed in herself that she ran away at the first real heart break of her life. Ultimately she comes back around...but to even more wreckage then she left. And I so identify with the character and the reality that I will now probably be faced with. "Not only my own heartbreaks but others as well....others...as in men in the dating world. I have such compassion and forgiveness, but am I ready for that? Do I want that? Do I want to feel less than so i connect with a seeking heart?
I entered my marriage for many different reasons, but regardless I entered feeling pure, wanted and untainted. Now, I feel as though i'm entering the world experienced, ruined, marked and tired. Pretty pathetic huh? And it's hard...because I can't be the one that sits around and wallows in her misery, drinking and eating excessively all day. I recognize the responsiblities I have in my teens, friends and future. But I also can't be the woman that denies her pain and won't allow herself grace through the trauma. (Geez am I babbling now?)
So how do I hold on? How do I hold on to my purpose, my heart, the woman I know God has called me to be? How do I move forward when I can't see anything clearly or promising? When so much of my heart and life picture has to die yet I somehow have to find the strength to believe for something new?
Something new? I'm so tired of praying for my Boaz. I'm heart sick over even imagining someone would want me much less think i'm worthy of the chase anymore. Don't get me wrong...there will always be men. There will always be those that are interested...but I've tired of that journey. I don't even have the ability to hang on to picture of hope and redemption that lays buried in my heart of hearts. Am I worthy of redemption? And even if I am...do I have the energy or heart to engage? This is my reality today!
Day 52
I've been rather quiet these days. I can't say why or how but I've enjoyed my days that would probably look a lot like lonely, pitiful cry fest. Watching "Jane Eyre" and slasher films...lol...no joke. They aren't really cry fest....I hardly cry at all, but what I've noticed is that I can not muster the emotional strength to entertain others. Then I think...is that how I've always felt about being a social person? That I am entertaining them? What does that even mean? Then I panic. Have I lost myself completely. I love people...and I love connecting....so this drought, this weird, non-effort to connect...is it here to stay? God, please, I hope not!
I watched "Jane Erye" three times today (please keep all judgemental thoughts to yourself). Something stuck out to me. Jane was so use to being disappointed yet immensely believed in herself that she ran away at the first real heart break of her life. Ultimately she comes back around...but to even more wreckage then she left. And I so identify with the character and the reality that I will now probably be faced with. "Not only my own heartbreaks but others as well....others...as in men in the dating world. I have such compassion and forgiveness, but am I ready for that? Do I want that? Do I want to feel less than so i connect with a seeking heart?
I entered my marriage for many different reasons, but regardless I entered feeling pure, wanted and untainted. Now, I feel as though i'm entering the world experienced, ruined, marked and tired. Pretty pathetic huh? And it's hard...because I can't be the one that sits around and wallows in her misery, drinking and eating excessively all day. I recognize the responsiblities I have in my teens, friends and future. But I also can't be the woman that denies her pain and won't allow herself grace through the trauma. (Geez am I babbling now?)
So how do I hold on? How do I hold on to my purpose, my heart, the woman I know God has called me to be? How do I move forward when I can't see anything clearly or promising? When so much of my heart and life picture has to die yet I somehow have to find the strength to believe for something new?
Something new? I'm so tired of praying for my Boaz. I'm heart sick over even imagining someone would want me much less think i'm worthy of the chase anymore. Don't get me wrong...there will always be men. There will always be those that are interested...but I've tired of that journey. I don't even have the ability to hang on to picture of hope and redemption that lays buried in my heart of hearts. Am I worthy of redemption? And even if I am...do I have the energy or heart to engage? This is my reality today!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Ever seen "Country Strong"
Day 51
Have you ever seen the movie "Country Strong?" Wow! I saw it in a class setting so it was extremely difficult for me not to fully express myself...which was uncontrollable crying. What a sad, but powerful movie. I think the theme that stuck out to me the most was the lack of caring and empathy on the part of the husband towards Kelly. The other was how she lost herself to this life that didn't care about her but only what she could produce and offer. Then her husband and other business associates acted shocked when she became an alcoholic and started to sleep with everyone in sight....looking for a reprieve or a moment of escape and acceptance.
Believe you me....she was a grown adult...who should have looked to healthier avenues for comfort...but I sympathized with her journey. How can people to claim to love her abandon her when she needed them most? And then when they return after she's gone through, what they preceive as, the hardest part they start to try to understand her struggles. When is it ever okay for that to happen? But then I think....maybe they couldn't handle it. When things are good..they are good...and when things are bad...well....it's when you find out who your real friends are...who really cares about your life.
I am so grateful for my friends. I'm grateful that even through poor decisions, bad mistakes or unlikely circumstances my friends have prayed, stood and crawled with me. My best friend reminded me today that I can lean on my friend's faith, my friends prayers, my friends love to carry me. And when I watched "Country Strong" I think that is what made me the most sad. The most devoted person in Kelly's life was the long term affair. Someone who saw through the fame and glamour and witnessed the the torn, broken person underneath. Saw the talented, lovely woman that needed acceptance and redemption...and at the end of the day...someone who could stand by her side and guide her when she couldn't see for herself. Lord, thank you for allowing friends like that in my life. Those that can see for me when I can't. Those that will remind me who I am when I need to be reminded.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - haven't today, but I will
Worship - nope....but I will
Work out - not today
Do something for someone else - bought brunch for a new friend
Do something for myself - stay in on date night
Eat well - well...I haven't cooked but I had an amazing breakfast sandwich
Emotional state: confused
High point: realized I am soooooo blessed to have two best friends and a mom that are there for me when I really need them
Low point: turned down a date
Tip of the day: dior iconic black mascara is amazing!!!
Have you ever seen the movie "Country Strong?" Wow! I saw it in a class setting so it was extremely difficult for me not to fully express myself...which was uncontrollable crying. What a sad, but powerful movie. I think the theme that stuck out to me the most was the lack of caring and empathy on the part of the husband towards Kelly. The other was how she lost herself to this life that didn't care about her but only what she could produce and offer. Then her husband and other business associates acted shocked when she became an alcoholic and started to sleep with everyone in sight....looking for a reprieve or a moment of escape and acceptance.
Believe you me....she was a grown adult...who should have looked to healthier avenues for comfort...but I sympathized with her journey. How can people to claim to love her abandon her when she needed them most? And then when they return after she's gone through, what they preceive as, the hardest part they start to try to understand her struggles. When is it ever okay for that to happen? But then I think....maybe they couldn't handle it. When things are good..they are good...and when things are bad...well....it's when you find out who your real friends are...who really cares about your life.
I am so grateful for my friends. I'm grateful that even through poor decisions, bad mistakes or unlikely circumstances my friends have prayed, stood and crawled with me. My best friend reminded me today that I can lean on my friend's faith, my friends prayers, my friends love to carry me. And when I watched "Country Strong" I think that is what made me the most sad. The most devoted person in Kelly's life was the long term affair. Someone who saw through the fame and glamour and witnessed the the torn, broken person underneath. Saw the talented, lovely woman that needed acceptance and redemption...and at the end of the day...someone who could stand by her side and guide her when she couldn't see for herself. Lord, thank you for allowing friends like that in my life. Those that can see for me when I can't. Those that will remind me who I am when I need to be reminded.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - haven't today, but I will
Worship - nope....but I will
Work out - not today
Do something for someone else - bought brunch for a new friend
Do something for myself - stay in on date night
Eat well - well...I haven't cooked but I had an amazing breakfast sandwich
Emotional state: confused
High point: realized I am soooooo blessed to have two best friends and a mom that are there for me when I really need them
Low point: turned down a date
Tip of the day: dior iconic black mascara is amazing!!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Happy Meals, popcorn, slurpees, sour patch watermelons, skittles and "Transformers 3" later....I'm a happy Auntie
Day 46
You know what I realized today...I'm so sick and tired of feeling as though I dislike or even hate myself. I spent the majority of my day with my two oldest nephews (5 and 3). We went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play land, then headed over the AMC Highlands Ranch theater for video games and Transformers 3. From there we headed to Kohls for a (toy) treat since Nolan (the 3 year old) was such a good boy, and other than needing to go to the bathroom six times, did really well at the movie. Brayden on the other was brave and stayed steady and "okay" when Auntie and Nolan left everyother 30 minutes to go the bathroom.
But you know what was the craziest thing about today (if I can engage in some selfishness for a second)? I never questioned myself. I didn't fear being alone or unwanted. I didn't concern myself with weight or attractiveness...I didn't even ever wonder if i was being taken advantage of (75.00 dollars later..lol). I was content...felt fully loved and respected yet energized by my nephews. While they blush around me...and they tell me I'm beautiful...I (obviously) didn't worry about those things...I am focused on taking care of their needs. Allowing them to feel spoiled yet balanced. There are moments of necessary discipline but most of it was filled with "Auntie, this is awesome!" or "Auntie can i show you this?"
In fact the only hard moment for me today was when Brayden (my oldest nephew) asked why I wasn't living in Boulder anyone. He hasn't seen his uncle jonny in quite a long time, but there's still an attachment that makes even his innocent heart have a hard time with it...but then later he said out of nowhere..."Oh well Auntie at least you live near us now." So I asked, "Yeah? U can be my dates from now on?" And Brayden and Nolan both answered "Yeah!" and while i laugh but still grieved and even feared the lost picture in my heart...there is nothing like the laughs and confidence of children that can restore even the longest lost places of ones' heart. They look at me with such honesty and purity and it helped me believe (at least today) maybe everything isn't lost...maybe I'm not as evil (as a divorce can definitely lead you to believe about yourself), hurtful, or selfish as I thought I was at this point. I do believe children sense things a lot stronger than we do....and today my nephews hugged me unashamedly. They asked for tokens and treats but then asked "Auntie what do want to drink?" But nothing tops, "Auntie this is awesome!" or "Auntie will you hold my hand to cross the street?" Or even better...at the end of the day..."Auntie don't leave. I had so much fun." And realizing in that moment..I would have done anything for them. Spent any amount of money for them. Within their acceptance and love all i wanted to do was make them happy, to protect them, to help them become the men God has called.
Is there something to this key of life...this "coming as children" concept that Christ talked about? Responsiblity and life will allways beckon the adulthood of our existence...but I wondered....if we lived more child like...how would our confidence, love, honesty, imaginations and peace be different? Because I know spending with only 6 hours with my precious boys and i felt like the most worthy, beautiful woman in the world. And it was exhausting, it was exhiliatrating and it was so much fun...but know a days (outside of Christ) who else do we give that kind of power?
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 29:1-36, Romans 14:1-23, Psalm 24:1-10, Proverbs 20:12
Worship - nope
Work out - not today but have been fairly consistent in the last couple of days
Do something for someone else - babysat my nephews for my brother and sister in law could move
Do something for myself - took my nephews out on a date night
Eat well - well...proably not really...lots of junk
Emotional state: smiling...even in my liver
High point: heard my nephew said, "Auntie this is awesome!" about four times today was pretty great
Low point: not really a low point today...other than feeling bloated after a day of fun...but I feel like its' completely worth it.
Tip of the day: Mcdonald's playland is an amazing place for little ones to get all their energy out.
You know what I realized today...I'm so sick and tired of feeling as though I dislike or even hate myself. I spent the majority of my day with my two oldest nephews (5 and 3). We went to McDonalds for Happy Meals and play land, then headed over the AMC Highlands Ranch theater for video games and Transformers 3. From there we headed to Kohls for a (toy) treat since Nolan (the 3 year old) was such a good boy, and other than needing to go to the bathroom six times, did really well at the movie. Brayden on the other was brave and stayed steady and "okay" when Auntie and Nolan left everyother 30 minutes to go the bathroom.
But you know what was the craziest thing about today (if I can engage in some selfishness for a second)? I never questioned myself. I didn't fear being alone or unwanted. I didn't concern myself with weight or attractiveness...I didn't even ever wonder if i was being taken advantage of (75.00 dollars later..lol). I was content...felt fully loved and respected yet energized by my nephews. While they blush around me...and they tell me I'm beautiful...I (obviously) didn't worry about those things...I am focused on taking care of their needs. Allowing them to feel spoiled yet balanced. There are moments of necessary discipline but most of it was filled with "Auntie, this is awesome!" or "Auntie can i show you this?"
In fact the only hard moment for me today was when Brayden (my oldest nephew) asked why I wasn't living in Boulder anyone. He hasn't seen his uncle jonny in quite a long time, but there's still an attachment that makes even his innocent heart have a hard time with it...but then later he said out of nowhere..."Oh well Auntie at least you live near us now." So I asked, "Yeah? U can be my dates from now on?" And Brayden and Nolan both answered "Yeah!" and while i laugh but still grieved and even feared the lost picture in my heart...there is nothing like the laughs and confidence of children that can restore even the longest lost places of ones' heart. They look at me with such honesty and purity and it helped me believe (at least today) maybe everything isn't lost...maybe I'm not as evil (as a divorce can definitely lead you to believe about yourself), hurtful, or selfish as I thought I was at this point. I do believe children sense things a lot stronger than we do....and today my nephews hugged me unashamedly. They asked for tokens and treats but then asked "Auntie what do want to drink?" But nothing tops, "Auntie this is awesome!" or "Auntie will you hold my hand to cross the street?" Or even better...at the end of the day..."Auntie don't leave. I had so much fun." And realizing in that moment..I would have done anything for them. Spent any amount of money for them. Within their acceptance and love all i wanted to do was make them happy, to protect them, to help them become the men God has called.
Is there something to this key of life...this "coming as children" concept that Christ talked about? Responsiblity and life will allways beckon the adulthood of our existence...but I wondered....if we lived more child like...how would our confidence, love, honesty, imaginations and peace be different? Because I know spending with only 6 hours with my precious boys and i felt like the most worthy, beautiful woman in the world. And it was exhausting, it was exhiliatrating and it was so much fun...but know a days (outside of Christ) who else do we give that kind of power?
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 29:1-36, Romans 14:1-23, Psalm 24:1-10, Proverbs 20:12
Worship - nope
Work out - not today but have been fairly consistent in the last couple of days
Do something for someone else - babysat my nephews for my brother and sister in law could move
Do something for myself - took my nephews out on a date night
Eat well - well...proably not really...lots of junk
Emotional state: smiling...even in my liver
High point: heard my nephew said, "Auntie this is awesome!" about four times today was pretty great
Low point: not really a low point today...other than feeling bloated after a day of fun...but I feel like its' completely worth it.
Tip of the day: Mcdonald's playland is an amazing place for little ones to get all their energy out.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Somebody order me a BLT
I remember a while ago I wrote a letter to a friend. In that letter I detailed how I felt so rejected and betrayed....let down in to many ways to count. Towards the end of that letter I wrote something to the effect of, "You know I'm not sure I blame you. I don't know if I'd pick me either." The reason this "still" sticks out to me is because when I reread those words (then) I cringed thinking, "Do I really feel that way about myself?" I'm not worth loving or picking...or staying loyal to? Did I really feel that way about myself? Do I still feel that way about myself? At the end of day would I pick me for a friend or partner?
Do I like me? This is a question I've found myself asking, but not necessarily outloud..it's more through my behavior and actions. See, I noticed when I'm clingy even needy I'm usually feeling rejected and alone. If I'm over analyzing words or deeds I'm feeling disappointed or let down (again). And if I'm depressed or wallowing I'm normally angry and comprising. However, on the other hand, when I'm feeling strong, confident and focused ...I like myself. When I believe in myself I feel purposeful and useful. When I have the most peace about my circumstances it's because my focus has turned vertical verses horizontial.
But is it that hard to like/love myself? Apparently! I've compromised, flaked and used hurtful words...all because I have felt rejected, alone and questioned on self-worth. Then I think...this makes sense...I mean how can anyone believe in me, trust me, like me...if I don't believe, like or trust in me (a little B.L.T). So how do I order up a little more B.L.T? I guess that's the journey...
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 17:1-18:34, Romans 9:25-10:13, Psalm 20:1-9, Proverbs 20:2-3
Worship - not yet
Work out - sigh...no, but my muscles got a workout
Do something for someone else - reached out and pray for a friend
Do something for myself - massage
Eat well - chicken tortilla soup
Emotional state: tired
High point: turned off my phone!
Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it
Tip of the day: 90 minute massages are a revelation
Do I like me? This is a question I've found myself asking, but not necessarily outloud..it's more through my behavior and actions. See, I noticed when I'm clingy even needy I'm usually feeling rejected and alone. If I'm over analyzing words or deeds I'm feeling disappointed or let down (again). And if I'm depressed or wallowing I'm normally angry and comprising. However, on the other hand, when I'm feeling strong, confident and focused ...I like myself. When I believe in myself I feel purposeful and useful. When I have the most peace about my circumstances it's because my focus has turned vertical verses horizontial.
But is it that hard to like/love myself? Apparently! I've compromised, flaked and used hurtful words...all because I have felt rejected, alone and questioned on self-worth. Then I think...this makes sense...I mean how can anyone believe in me, trust me, like me...if I don't believe, like or trust in me (a little B.L.T). So how do I order up a little more B.L.T? I guess that's the journey...
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 17:1-18:34, Romans 9:25-10:13, Psalm 20:1-9, Proverbs 20:2-3
Worship - not yet
Work out - sigh...no, but my muscles got a workout
Do something for someone else - reached out and pray for a friend
Do something for myself - massage
Eat well - chicken tortilla soup
Emotional state: tired
High point: turned off my phone!
Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it
Tip of the day: 90 minute massages are a revelation
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Nervous puddle of lasagna
Day 41
So, soooooooo, sooo, so....I see my husband tonight, and hopefully with a lot "need sleep and early morning excuses," for only a few minutes. And...I'm nervous. Not because I expect (or want) a long conversation....but because after 2 weeks of praying and (trying) to think and speak good things....I'm here...not looking forward to it...and honestly in one of the deepest pits of disbelief EVER! (Pause)...but maybe that's what I've been waiting for. This feeling...I don't know!
I thought I would have a friend's birthday dinner to distract me for most of the evening....but of course...CANCELLED! Soooo, so, sooo, soo, now I'm making the lasagna I promised, getting the cat and )(his many toys) together and watching fun shows. Geez...could I sound more pathetic. lol I did go get a pedicure and manicure after my counseling appointments, though, that was fun...especially when I got serenaded to Journey by my pedicurist...but how in the world did I get here? Regardless I think I'm swearing off dating! Well at least this much emotional energy into a man.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 14:1-16:14, Romans 9:1-24, Psalm 19:1-14, Proverbs 20:1
Psalm 14:7-8, "The instructions to the LORD are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of ther LORD are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are clear giving insight for living."
Worship - yes
Work out - not today
Do something for someone else - making my homemade lasagna
Do something for myself - mani/pedi
Eat well - eating more Ramen while making Lasagne from scratch
Emotional state: nervous
High point: got serended by my pedicurist
Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it
Tip of the day: a tan helps anyone look better...but put on sunscreen
So, soooooooo, sooo, so....I see my husband tonight, and hopefully with a lot "need sleep and early morning excuses," for only a few minutes. And...I'm nervous. Not because I expect (or want) a long conversation....but because after 2 weeks of praying and (trying) to think and speak good things....I'm here...not looking forward to it...and honestly in one of the deepest pits of disbelief EVER! (Pause)...but maybe that's what I've been waiting for. This feeling...I don't know!
I thought I would have a friend's birthday dinner to distract me for most of the evening....but of course...CANCELLED! Soooo, so, sooo, soo, now I'm making the lasagna I promised, getting the cat and )(his many toys) together and watching fun shows. Geez...could I sound more pathetic. lol I did go get a pedicure and manicure after my counseling appointments, though, that was fun...especially when I got serenaded to Journey by my pedicurist...but how in the world did I get here? Regardless I think I'm swearing off dating! Well at least this much emotional energy into a man.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 14:1-16:14, Romans 9:1-24, Psalm 19:1-14, Proverbs 20:1
Psalm 14:7-8, "The instructions to the LORD are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of ther LORD are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are clear giving insight for living."
Worship - yes
Work out - not today
Do something for someone else - making my homemade lasagna
Do something for myself - mani/pedi
Eat well - eating more Ramen while making Lasagne from scratch
Emotional state: nervous
High point: got serended by my pedicurist
Low point: friends bday party was cancelled...bummer was looking forward to it
Tip of the day: a tan helps anyone look better...but put on sunscreen
Friday, July 22, 2011
Day 38
Honestly, I'm not going to lie...I didn't have much to say today...then I read Romans 7:21. When i want to do right I inevitably do wrong. Ugh...isn't that the truth. I feel as though lately all I have wanted is the "right" thing, but it seems in the last couple of days I could care less. Is that okay to say?
I've realized nothing is a guarantee. And even when I have tried to find comfort in other things and people I come back to the fact that there isn't a comfort outside of God. Although, honestly, I soooooo wish sometimes there was...only because it feels like He takes His sweet time. lol
I'd love to say I haven't messed up, but of course I have. And I loved to say I know how to weather the storm...but of course I don't. The only thing I know? God is the God on the throne...and I do NOT want to be in His place.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 6:12-8:10, Romans 7:14-8:8, Psalm 18:1-15, Proverbs 19:24-25
Romans 7:21, "I discovered this principle of life-that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. " - Love that this is in the Bible
Worship - haven't yet
Work out - 1 hr....so freaking hot here in CO
Do something for someone else - offered to babysit, but wasn't taken up on it...should I be offended? lol
Do something for myself - rented movies and cooked a steak
Eat well - broiled a steak...first time...yum
Emotional state: reflective
High point: slept in and tanned...hey a girl has to have priorities
Low point: SO HOT here
Tip of the day: a nice bath and sleeping pill...can make all the difference in the world. lol :) Cheers
Honestly, I'm not going to lie...I didn't have much to say today...then I read Romans 7:21. When i want to do right I inevitably do wrong. Ugh...isn't that the truth. I feel as though lately all I have wanted is the "right" thing, but it seems in the last couple of days I could care less. Is that okay to say?
I've realized nothing is a guarantee. And even when I have tried to find comfort in other things and people I come back to the fact that there isn't a comfort outside of God. Although, honestly, I soooooo wish sometimes there was...only because it feels like He takes His sweet time. lol
I'd love to say I haven't messed up, but of course I have. And I loved to say I know how to weather the storm...but of course I don't. The only thing I know? God is the God on the throne...and I do NOT want to be in His place.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 6:12-8:10, Romans 7:14-8:8, Psalm 18:1-15, Proverbs 19:24-25
Romans 7:21, "I discovered this principle of life-that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. " - Love that this is in the Bible
Worship - haven't yet
Work out - 1 hr....so freaking hot here in CO
Do something for someone else - offered to babysit, but wasn't taken up on it...should I be offended? lol
Do something for myself - rented movies and cooked a steak
Eat well - broiled a steak...first time...yum
Emotional state: reflective
High point: slept in and tanned...hey a girl has to have priorities
Low point: SO HOT here
Tip of the day: a nice bath and sleeping pill...can make all the difference in the world. lol :) Cheers
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Do I believe it for myself?
Day 36:
Today was a very, very long day. It's nice to be so tired I can not think or feel...kind of a strange feeling of contentment. BUT if I'm honest, I miss coming home to someone. I miss that after a really long day there was always someone waiting for me. And then I think....will I love again? I feel so numb yet overwhelmed that I wonder if my heart will ache with the passion, respect and appreciation I thought I had. AND...then I think, will I be allowed to? lol
I know that sounds silly, but I genuinely wonder if I'll ever be able to open my heart up to someone with all my hopes and dreams, or if I will stay guarded and independent from now on. And I wonder if the people in my life (who I know love me more than anything) will ever be able to love with me again. If they will be able to have faith in my ability to choose love. Does that make sense?
Early this morning, I listened to one of my 20-somethings talk about her fears of intimate relationships; however, her doubts are quickly cloaked by excitement and hope. And you know...I coveted her place in life right now. Although genuinely afraid of being hurt and disappointed her heart is still untainted and fresh. Her expectancy of love is pure and ready...even if she's scared out of her mind. It's hard to be realistic and try to guide someone through the truth of authenic relationship when they are prep for a fairy tale....a fairy tale I want her to believe in. Then I wonder...is this what happened with me?
Did I dwell so much on what could be, that my reality was never checked by those around me...even those that had every opportunity to correct or guide me? I don't know. In this particular moment I wanted to protect her ideal....but felt an overwhelming responsiblity to help her understand the reality of marriage. Because marriage is hard...it's good in many ways...but one of the most difficult things in another. Course she was asking me for help, which is night and day from where I was at I'm sure. But after believing and hoping (and I'm sure a lot of overlooking)...I'm here...now...afraid...and walking along with my client's doubts yet trying to allow her to lean on my belief in true love. Because I do believe in true love, and I do believe in marriage...but do I believe it for myself????
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 1:1-3:17, Romans 6:1-23, Psalm 16:1-11, Proverbs 19:20-21
Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God."
Worship - Not yet
Work out - just my ears, and I'm numb for sitting for so long.
Do something for someone else - offered to babysit for my nephews
Do something for myself - allowed myself to not check my phone all day! This is an accomplishment I promise.
Eat well - ummmmm...not sure...I think I had tuna salad and a cheese stick
Emotional state: tired yet content
High point: had my nephews join me on a walk around the block with Sapulpa. I love listening to them ramble. SO CUTE
Low point: haven't had a chance to relax yet
Tip of the day: don't go a day without telling the people you love that you love them. Or an opportunity to pray for them. All of us need all the help we can get and love makes it that much easier.
Today was a very, very long day. It's nice to be so tired I can not think or feel...kind of a strange feeling of contentment. BUT if I'm honest, I miss coming home to someone. I miss that after a really long day there was always someone waiting for me. And then I think....will I love again? I feel so numb yet overwhelmed that I wonder if my heart will ache with the passion, respect and appreciation I thought I had. AND...then I think, will I be allowed to? lol
I know that sounds silly, but I genuinely wonder if I'll ever be able to open my heart up to someone with all my hopes and dreams, or if I will stay guarded and independent from now on. And I wonder if the people in my life (who I know love me more than anything) will ever be able to love with me again. If they will be able to have faith in my ability to choose love. Does that make sense?
Early this morning, I listened to one of my 20-somethings talk about her fears of intimate relationships; however, her doubts are quickly cloaked by excitement and hope. And you know...I coveted her place in life right now. Although genuinely afraid of being hurt and disappointed her heart is still untainted and fresh. Her expectancy of love is pure and ready...even if she's scared out of her mind. It's hard to be realistic and try to guide someone through the truth of authenic relationship when they are prep for a fairy tale....a fairy tale I want her to believe in. Then I wonder...is this what happened with me?
Did I dwell so much on what could be, that my reality was never checked by those around me...even those that had every opportunity to correct or guide me? I don't know. In this particular moment I wanted to protect her ideal....but felt an overwhelming responsiblity to help her understand the reality of marriage. Because marriage is hard...it's good in many ways...but one of the most difficult things in another. Course she was asking me for help, which is night and day from where I was at I'm sure. But after believing and hoping (and I'm sure a lot of overlooking)...I'm here...now...afraid...and walking along with my client's doubts yet trying to allow her to lean on my belief in true love. Because I do believe in true love, and I do believe in marriage...but do I believe it for myself????
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 2 Chronicles 1:1-3:17, Romans 6:1-23, Psalm 16:1-11, Proverbs 19:20-21
Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God."
Worship - Not yet
Work out - just my ears, and I'm numb for sitting for so long.
Do something for someone else - offered to babysit for my nephews
Do something for myself - allowed myself to not check my phone all day! This is an accomplishment I promise.
Eat well - ummmmm...not sure...I think I had tuna salad and a cheese stick
Emotional state: tired yet content
High point: had my nephews join me on a walk around the block with Sapulpa. I love listening to them ramble. SO CUTE
Low point: haven't had a chance to relax yet
Tip of the day: don't go a day without telling the people you love that you love them. Or an opportunity to pray for them. All of us need all the help we can get and love makes it that much easier.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Iced, venti americano with a packet of grace
Day 35:
Grace happens in the most unlikely places! Today, I had a couple of appointments and then I had to head up to Boulder and face a situation I just...well frankly...I didn't want to face. (nothing to do with my marriage) It's a situation that is humilitating and so very frustrating. Thank God I know how to bite my lip (although you'd wonder these days)...but as I got back into my car I thought I might melt into tears. I wanted to fight, I wanted to sob...I want to die of embarrassment. And while not many know (and will hopefully NEVER know) it's just as humilitating as if the entire world knew. Then I thought...why are you so upset? You did this...you deserve this, stop being such a baby! And there it is...the voice of self-judgement.
My voice (of self-judgement) is very loud, opinionated and uses colorful vernicular. I realized at this moment that I've held myself up to such a high standard (or maybe pedestal) that there's no reason to understand grace because...I'm what? perfect? So when perfection is met with rejection? Then what?
I make mistakes. I make REALLY bad mistakes sometimes, and yet somehow (to me) the gray areas of life don't even afford me the chance to fall flat on my face and grovel...with grace. lol See I believe whole heartedly in grace, forgiveness and the ethereal gray areas in life. I believe brokenness is beautiful and can lead to transformation and reform.....but here's the kicker...I believe all this for others. Therefore, when things like this happen to me....there's no understanding...there's no grace. And the even BIGGER kicker...I have a tendency to pick out the voices in my life that agree with my loser-ness and build off it. Soooooo....when grace happens loud enough for me to listen...it's usually because it happens in the most unlikely places.
This past weekend I had felt that I needed to tell one of my clients (precious, 20-something woman) that I might be getting a divorce. I fought this decision for a while because I didnt' want to discourage her and deepen her disbelief in marriage. She has endured so much...but I felt strongly that she needed to know...because in an effort to gain trust with her...I knew I could not hide something this big. I mean she might notice if I ever stopped wearing my ring or took down my pictures. So I told her...and asked her to pray about continuing counseling with me. Today, I texted her fully expecting her to want a referral (which I would definitely understand)...and the reply I got, "So do you want coffee tomorrow morning? Venti?"
My eyes filled with tears. I'm not completely sure why, but I do know there was this overwhelming feeling of...maybe I'm not failing everyone? Maybe I'm not even failing myself? It was a slipt second moment that might not overshadow the loneliness and regret I feel most of the time but it's such encouragement that I can barely continue to write this blog because of the tears that fill my eyes.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 1 Chronciles 28:1-29:30, Romans 5:6-21, Psalm 15:1-5, Proverbs 19:18-19
Worship - Yes, well listened to my new fave worship CD and sang at the top of my lungs (a few times)
Work out - 50 minutes...gotta train for that "dirty girl race" coming up in September
Do something for someone else - prayed, prayed, prayed
Do something for myself - ate some ice cream
Eat well - nope...
Emotional state: reflective
High point: got my air conditioning fixed...I think...no more 80 degree nights
Low point: caught my puppy eating the cat's poo
Tip of the day: if you go to the Rockies game in this ridculous heat...wear all cotton, a baseball cap, and no make-up. So much more comfortable.
Grace happens in the most unlikely places! Today, I had a couple of appointments and then I had to head up to Boulder and face a situation I just...well frankly...I didn't want to face. (nothing to do with my marriage) It's a situation that is humilitating and so very frustrating. Thank God I know how to bite my lip (although you'd wonder these days)...but as I got back into my car I thought I might melt into tears. I wanted to fight, I wanted to sob...I want to die of embarrassment. And while not many know (and will hopefully NEVER know) it's just as humilitating as if the entire world knew. Then I thought...why are you so upset? You did this...you deserve this, stop being such a baby! And there it is...the voice of self-judgement.
My voice (of self-judgement) is very loud, opinionated and uses colorful vernicular. I realized at this moment that I've held myself up to such a high standard (or maybe pedestal) that there's no reason to understand grace because...I'm what? perfect? So when perfection is met with rejection? Then what?
I make mistakes. I make REALLY bad mistakes sometimes, and yet somehow (to me) the gray areas of life don't even afford me the chance to fall flat on my face and grovel...with grace. lol See I believe whole heartedly in grace, forgiveness and the ethereal gray areas in life. I believe brokenness is beautiful and can lead to transformation and reform.....but here's the kicker...I believe all this for others. Therefore, when things like this happen to me....there's no understanding...there's no grace. And the even BIGGER kicker...I have a tendency to pick out the voices in my life that agree with my loser-ness and build off it. Soooooo....when grace happens loud enough for me to listen...it's usually because it happens in the most unlikely places.
This past weekend I had felt that I needed to tell one of my clients (precious, 20-something woman) that I might be getting a divorce. I fought this decision for a while because I didnt' want to discourage her and deepen her disbelief in marriage. She has endured so much...but I felt strongly that she needed to know...because in an effort to gain trust with her...I knew I could not hide something this big. I mean she might notice if I ever stopped wearing my ring or took down my pictures. So I told her...and asked her to pray about continuing counseling with me. Today, I texted her fully expecting her to want a referral (which I would definitely understand)...and the reply I got, "So do you want coffee tomorrow morning? Venti?"
My eyes filled with tears. I'm not completely sure why, but I do know there was this overwhelming feeling of...maybe I'm not failing everyone? Maybe I'm not even failing myself? It was a slipt second moment that might not overshadow the loneliness and regret I feel most of the time but it's such encouragement that I can barely continue to write this blog because of the tears that fill my eyes.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - 1 Chronciles 28:1-29:30, Romans 5:6-21, Psalm 15:1-5, Proverbs 19:18-19
Worship - Yes, well listened to my new fave worship CD and sang at the top of my lungs (a few times)
Work out - 50 minutes...gotta train for that "dirty girl race" coming up in September
Do something for someone else - prayed, prayed, prayed
Do something for myself - ate some ice cream
Eat well - nope...
Emotional state: reflective
High point: got my air conditioning fixed...I think...no more 80 degree nights
Low point: caught my puppy eating the cat's poo
Tip of the day: if you go to the Rockies game in this ridculous heat...wear all cotton, a baseball cap, and no make-up. So much more comfortable.
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