Every day is a roller coaster...and I've found it exhausting to try and fight all the emotions. As for this week...between being sick with the flu and dealing with the reality of my newly acquired status (again)...I feel as though I'm drowning in pain. But what's been interesting....when I let myself cry, when I let myself be sad...there's almost this reprieve. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to wallow....nor get swallowed up by heaviness and depression....but there's something to allowing myself not be okay...I don't know...it's like I'm saying...yes I'm sick and I need to rest and take Nyquil (a LOT of it...lol).
Giving myself premission to not be okay, reminded me of something I felt the Lord showed me years ago. I was living in Nashville, had an amazing job, but lonely and heart broken. There was yet another disappointment that happened and I laid crying in my bed one night....just begging to God to make it stop (ever felt that way?) Then I sat up, wiped my tears and headed to the restroom...then I heard a voice. It was clear, firm and as though right next to me. I heard, "Who were you just talking to?" I stopped cold. "What?" Then again, "Who were you just talking to?" "I guess I was talking to you Lord?" Then is was as though the atmosphere shifted and I wasn't afraid or even shocked anymore "No you weren't. You were telling yourself what you thought I would say. Go sit down, close your eyes and just be silent." So I did (would you argue?)
As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes I saw this vivid picture in my mind. It was of a little girl with long hair. She was laying on someone's lap bawling her little eyes out. Heart wrenching cries...then a fatherly hand started to stroke her hair and next thing I knew tears were falling into her hair. I heard him say, "This is what I wanted to do. You are hurting so I am hurting. You are crying so I am crying with you." There was no pressure, no rush...not even a simple answer. Just a simple "I want to be with you."
Sigh....to know God at that level? To not just desire an answer, but desire His presence...to know He hurts because I'm hurting. To know His heart breaks when my heart breaks...that motivates me to want to do this His way. Although hard..although scary...although with no promises or answers. It's hard to look into the future and be hopeful....to envision something different or better. But then knowing I don't have to prove anything....seek some kind of answer....to just be without shame. I suppose life gets pretty simple when it's more about "being" and less about answers and striving.