Saturday, December 31, 2011

A little R&R

Reflections and Resolutions

I realize there are probably thousands of new posts going up, at this very moment, about resolutions for the New Year or reflections of the past one. And honestly, while I loath being a cliche' I simply could not resist the opportunity to do some reflecting and "resoluting" myself.

2011 was....well...there were parts that I remember as fun and enjoyable; some sad and full of heartbreak; a few moments were hard and exhausting; while others were just plain forgettable. It's amazing for me to remember that this time last year I was looking for a house and planning a family. Somewhere in between I moved out, moved home and began the journey back to myself. Evenmoreso...I started a journey towards renovation and transformation (hopefully...knock on wood).

Frankly, 2011 was probably the hardest year of my life. There were moments I felt as though I've was repeatedly hit over the head and now reflect on 2011 with a bit fuzziness. With THAT said...I'm grateful I learned a lot about myself. I'm, also, grateful that I have learned who my real friends are, and for the reforged relationship with my family. I'm, also, even grateful that I adopted my spunky, crazy puppy and welcomed a new nephew....all in 2011.

But who would have thought I'd be here....after months of feeling utterly ruined and shattered, I'm looking (once again) for new beginnings. I have the same usual resolutions...lose 10lbs, organize my apartment, develop professionally.....but for once....I, I NEED my goals to carry me to a different level of all encompassing overhaul. I guess to a new place where I hope to not even recognize myself a year from now. And you know what??? That's freaking scary.

What if I don't succeed? What if transforming is more painful then what I've already been through? What if success looks an awful lot like some of my deepest fears? Alone, struggling, floundering.....yet WHAT IF....everything is different? What if wholeness and healing are on the other side? What if I wake up a dormant part of myself that I never knew was there?

I am tired of not setting goals because I'm afraid I won't reach them.....or worse just give up because I'm bored or unmotivated. I would say 2011 has taught me that I need people, I need support and absolutely know I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. So for 2012 my goals will include emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health.
"Ruin is a gift! Ruin is the road to transformation." - Liz Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love"'s to 2011 reflections and 2012 resolutions!

Monday, December 26, 2011

The most beautiful wedding....

December 26th

I spent Christmas in absolute bliss. Honestly, weeks were devoted to buying the perfect gift for my family members. And I loved it. Although i love the unbelievable, extravagant gifts...there's nothing like the personal, one-of-a-kind gifts that let you know that person really knows you! I gave my oldest nephew a "kids beginner guitar" and he told me in hushed tones..."Auntie, I love my guitar. It's my favorite." Sigh....yes! Got something right.

For the last four weeks I have listened to inspirational and raw sermons at Legacy chapel. All involving the immense struggle, purity of faith and absolute devotion of faith of those involved in Christ's (the Christmas) story. God located some incredibly vulnerable, simple yet influential people that brought His purpose to pass......yet if most of us inserted ourselves in that scenario...would we have done the same? Mary, a woman betrothed to a heavy hitter? Joseph with incredible lineage and influence...looking to settled down in a normal life. The Wise men...called from their normal duties of scholastic endeavors to a purpose based on faith and circumstance. ......would we do the same? Um, Probably not!!!!

This Christmas has been a blessing (literally) because I have felt so much love and acceptance..but that's not to negate the yuckiness I feel now. I've gone weeks without hearing from my ex and while (I thank God) it has been refreshing and's also been a finalizing step towards a mistake so deep I no longer have words. How do you rationalize such? i didn't doubt anything on my wedding day. In fact I cried for gratefulness in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes...and was found by my bridesmaids...who had frankly looked for me for 30 minutes.

AND I'm there. I'm at the place that I don't feel much...nor do I have the words that could ACTUALLY explain how I am navigating through THIS season. But today..the day after realize my married life is no longer happening...well....what are the words? It's hard....definite....and sobering. Something about the holidays makes everything least for me. There have been no texts, phone calls or voicemails from him (not that expected or wanted such), YET it sends messages to utmost deepest parts of me. It's not rejection. It's not even resolve. It's an ending! And on that level it's without a word, but signifies a desperation to move on. An understanding that the past is the past....and the only place to move on "what God has for the future."

here's the hope i grasp from Christ's birth...the beginning of His story. In the story: both mom and dad has to believe beyond ALL odds. Like many of us...who believes in the future for our lives? We probably have a few...and if lucky many...that believe in restoration for our lives....but what about those of us that have done things that are beyond repair...or those of use that have lived our entire lives for others...have have disappointed to a point hardly anyone can relate. What then? Mary trusted, Joseph had a dream (then he trusted) and the wisemen had been scholars that have studied and based their journey on years of knowledge. So where are we? In a place of faith, a place of trust in our God and His assurrance (through signs and messages) or in the knowledge we have collected over years? Who are you?

Although this post is chaotic at best! there's not much logic (in a journalistic stand point) but here's what I believe and know!

Through this season AND my life...I KNOW I serve a God that knows me personally and has a great ending and purpose for my life. I serve a Savior that is both personal and worth serving..thus makes me want to jump on the band wagon of the purpose He has called me too. I, with out abandon, serve a God that calls upon the gifts He has bestowed in me...and wants to be both available and ready for that when He calls for them. I KNOW I serve a God of vengeance. I know I serve a God that I do not need to consider nor construct any acts of revenge of those that have harmed me. God knows all....and I believe fully He will repay all debts and wrongs...and when it doesn't happen I believe in His absolute mercy and understanding.

Here is what I also know....God knows me deeply. He knows me at a "heart place" that no one...not even myself could know. With that...I thank you Jesus for your Salvation. i thank you that I barely know what that could mean. i trust beyond much knowledge and KNOW it's only You that provides heavenly salvation and intimacy.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Stupid relationships ;)

So after an amazing, quiet, family-filled Thanksgiving....I actually thought all the constant self-reflection might subside. Sigh....I mean really...what was I thinking. lol

On the phone with my mom I discovered a few yuckie things about myself (thank God for a Godly mother). The main one was that I confessed to feeling as though "I" could carry my marry. I thought I was strong enough to deal with everything wrong in the relationship....I thought there was nothing to big or beyond me. Yet then when I needed someone...when I needed to be carried...who could support me then? Myself? (And we're there) No!

God has not called us to live for or support ourselves. I quickly realized I could not only NOT carry my marriage but that it's important to know that when I need to be carried...He has called my husband...the person for do that. If there isn't a husband...he had brought friendships and relationships into our lives to help!

We are meant for relationship. We are meant for partnership and when we isolate or think we can do things ourself we literally dismissed the commune God has called us to. He's called us to eachother.....with all the dark and unlovely places. The difference is....who are we partnering our lives with? are we allowing those that only "want" or "take" to be apart of our lives...or is there a mutual stream of life going on.

Isn't it the story about the lame man that was brought to Jesus by his friends (they had to lower him through the roof because it was so packed)...Jesus's because of THEIR faith that you are healed.

The right friends...the right people can make all the difference in the world. It's not always fun or easy...but true love is unconditional yet submitted to the transformation of God.