I spent Christmas in absolute bliss. Honestly, weeks were devoted to buying the perfect gift for my family members. And I loved it. Although i love the unbelievable, extravagant gifts...there's nothing like the personal, one-of-a-kind gifts that let you know that person really knows you! I gave my oldest nephew a "kids beginner guitar" and he told me in hushed tones..."Auntie, I love my guitar. It's my favorite." Sigh....yes! Got something right.
For the last four weeks I have listened to inspirational and raw sermons at Legacy chapel. All involving the immense struggle, purity of faith and absolute devotion of faith of those involved in Christ's (the Christmas) story. God located some incredibly vulnerable, simple yet influential people that brought His purpose to pass......yet if most of us inserted ourselves in that scenario...would we have done the same? Mary, a woman betrothed to a heavy hitter? Joseph with incredible lineage and influence...looking to settled down in a normal life. The Wise men...called from their normal duties of scholastic endeavors to a purpose based on faith and circumstance. ......would we do the same? Um, Probably not!!!!
This Christmas has been a blessing (literally) because I have felt so much love and acceptance..but that's not to negate the yuckiness I feel now. I've gone weeks without hearing from my ex and while (I thank God) it has been refreshing and releasing....it's also been a finalizing step towards a mistake so deep I no longer have words. How do you rationalize such? i didn't doubt anything on my wedding day. In fact I cried for gratefulness in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes...and was found by my bridesmaids...who had frankly looked for me for 30 minutes.
AND I'm there. I'm at the place that I don't feel much...nor do I have the words that could ACTUALLY explain how I am navigating through THIS season. But today..the day after Christmas...to realize my married life is no longer happening...well....what are the words? It's hard....definite....and sobering. Something about the holidays makes everything official...at least for me. There have been no texts, phone calls or voicemails from him (not that expected or wanted such), YET it sends messages to utmost deepest parts of me. It's not rejection. It's not even resolve. It's an ending! And on that level it's without a word, but signifies a desperation to move on. An understanding that the past is the past....and the only place to move on to..is "what God has for the future."
here's the hope i grasp from Christ's birth...the beginning of His story. In the story: both mom and dad has to believe beyond ALL odds. Like many of us...who believes in the future for our lives? We probably have a few...and if lucky many...that believe in restoration for our lives....but what about those of us that have done things that are beyond repair...or those of use that have lived our entire lives for others...have have disappointed to a point hardly anyone can relate. What then? Mary trusted, Joseph had a dream (then he trusted) and the wisemen had been scholars that have studied and based their journey on years of knowledge. So where are we? In a place of faith, a place of trust in our God and His assurrance (through signs and messages) or in the knowledge we have collected over years? Who are you?
Although this post is chaotic at best! there's not much logic (in a journalistic stand point) but here's what I believe and know!
Through this season AND my life...I KNOW I serve a God that knows me personally and has a great ending and purpose for my life. I serve a Savior that is both personal and worth serving..thus makes me want to jump on the band wagon of the purpose He has called me too. I, with out abandon, serve a God that calls upon the gifts He has bestowed in me...and wants to be both available and ready for that when He calls for them. I KNOW I serve a God of vengeance. I know I serve a God that I do not need to consider nor construct any acts of revenge of those that have harmed me. God knows all....and I believe fully He will repay all debts and wrongs...and when it doesn't happen I believe in His absolute mercy and understanding.
Here is what I also know....God knows me deeply. He knows me at a "heart place" that no one...not even myself could know. With that...I thank you Jesus for your Salvation. i thank you that I barely know what that could mean. i trust beyond much knowledge and KNOW it's only You that provides heavenly salvation and intimacy.