Day 670 (I have no idea what day it is....lol)
Ever wonder why we feel the need to defend ourselves? Lately, I have wondered why I felt the need to "stick up for myself" to people that hardly know me; even those that I could care less what their opinions are now. Maybe worse I want to defend my "honor" and sanity from those that have chosen their opponent (well obviously), hearing only one side of the story . lol It's funny in ways, but it isn't. It's amazing to me how much my self-preservation kicks in when I hear "you're crazy", "TO religious" or friendships will be ended if he ever thought of reconciliation (his friends not mine)...I can't help but go into defensiveness. The need to explain my side of the story, rescue my sanity, my reality. Defend my reputation.
Today I sat across from an "authority figure" (if you will)...drilling me with questions and information that related to a situation that happened months and months ago (unrelated to my marriage). It occurred to me...this person doesn't even care what my actual feelings or reality at this moment, they only care about the past...or the "details" that described that situation...then acted genuinely surprised when I answered with feeling or opinion that did not line up with the "idea" they had already formulated or "thought" was truth. (please excuse any attempt to talk in code...I'm not trying to but at the same time I'd like to keep things private..and this is unrelated to my marriage and divorce). Then the last question the "authority figure" asked me was, "how do you feel about being in this situation?" And I instantly responded, "Judged, annoyed and unaware." The "authority figure" blinked and finally, for the first time, looked away from her computer screen at me and asked, "really?" I just smiled and responded, "how could I not?"
Then I went to lunch with a wise friend, and she reminded me that we can not live in the past nor live out others preceptions of us or our actions. She said "you either live in the past, the present or the future, but most of the time God is not camped out in the past, so then who are you living for?" In her story she had come out of a long term, compromising relationship when she met her (now) husband. She claimed she knew almost instantly he was the one. It was hard for her to leave a current relationship (although strikingly wrong for her) and move into what she instantly felt was right (and in the end it was hard for both of them)....but they both came to realize...is the past (what we came out of) worth sacrificing what we feel God wants for us?
Okay pause...I feel like I've miss a step in the story. I left the office of the previous situation feeling dejected, unknown and uncared about. It felt as though there was nothing that I could say that would ever justify my past or even defend who I am now. So when I met with my friend for lunch...it was revelation for me that my past (and therefore those that judge from the past) does not define who I am now or who I want to be. God does not live in the past...He uses the past to move us forward.
So what was my revelation? I realized I have been trying so hard to defend my past actions and decisions. To justify my feelings because somehow they would bridge my past to my present....and even explain the future. That if I could reconcile my past it would somehow credentialize current decisions or feelings. But in the end...what am I fighting for? Am I trying to make myself look good in the past or move forward with God's future for me? Am I trying to reconstruct walls and ideas that no longer apply or am I attempting to just be who I am, who I know God says I am...or am I fighting for a reputation that I feel has to be maintained or defended?
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - James 1
Worship - nope
Work out - Turbo Jam (Cardio Party)
Do something for someone else - avoid, avoid, avoid...and if you knew the situation BELIEVE me you'd agree this was IN FACT doing something for someone...lol
Do something for myself - took the night off
Eat well - Yep...I think so
Emotional state: grateful and inspired
High point: my nephew just has the flu or something like that...
Low point: ugh, spent a 100.00 dollars on some really, really stupid things that I HAVE to pay for
Tip of the day: small, sentimental gifts can make such a difference