"Have I become nothing to you? Am I machine without feelings? Do you think because I am poor, obscure, plain and little that I am soul-less and heartless? I have as much soul as you and full as much heart, and if God had blessed me with beauty and wealth I could make it as hard for you to leave me as it is for I to leave you." Jane Eyre by Bronte
I've been rather quiet these days. I can't say why or how but I've enjoyed my days that would probably look a lot like lonely, pitiful cry fest. Watching "Jane Eyre" and slasher films...lol...no joke. They aren't really cry fest....I hardly cry at all, but what I've noticed is that I can not muster the emotional strength to entertain others. Then I think...is that how I've always felt about being a social person? That I am entertaining them? What does that even mean? Then I panic. Have I lost myself completely. I love people...and I love connecting....so this drought, this weird, non-effort to connect...is it here to stay? God, please, I hope not!
I watched "Jane Erye" three times today (please keep all judgemental thoughts to yourself). Something stuck out to me. Jane was so use to being disappointed yet immensely believed in herself that she ran away at the first real heart break of her life. Ultimately she comes back around...but to even more wreckage then she left. And I so identify with the character and the reality that I will now probably be faced with. "Not only my own heartbreaks but others as well....others...as in men in the dating world. I have such compassion and forgiveness, but am I ready for that? Do I want that? Do I want to feel less than so i connect with a seeking heart?
I entered my marriage for many different reasons, but regardless I entered feeling pure, wanted and untainted. Now, I feel as though i'm entering the world experienced, ruined, marked and tired. Pretty pathetic huh? And it's hard...because I can't be the one that sits around and wallows in her misery, drinking and eating excessively all day. I recognize the responsiblities I have in my teens, friends and future. But I also can't be the woman that denies her pain and won't allow herself grace through the trauma. (Geez am I babbling now?)
So how do I hold on? How do I hold on to my purpose, my heart, the woman I know God has called me to be? How do I move forward when I can't see anything clearly or promising? When so much of my heart and life picture has to die yet I somehow have to find the strength to believe for something new?
Something new? I'm so tired of praying for my Boaz. I'm heart sick over even imagining someone would want me much less think i'm worthy of the chase anymore. Don't get me wrong...there will always be men. There will always be those that are interested...but I've tired of that journey. I don't even have the ability to hang on to picture of hope and redemption that lays buried in my heart of hearts. Am I worthy of redemption? And even if I am...do I have the energy or heart to engage? This is my reality today!