This week has been emotionally hard for me...and, honestly, I have no idea why. Ever had one of those weeks? In the natural everything seems good and moving forward. Work has been busy, my circle of friends strengthens and grows, and I live in a beautiful state and home near my family. Sooooo what's gives?
Well, I did notice that I had to "wait" on many times this past week...and I can not stand waiting. I don't like waiting for the phone to ring. I don't like waiting for my dog to poop (it seriously takes forever some days). I don't like sitting in my office waiting for my next client. I don't even like waiting for the good parts in movies (KISS HER ALREADY). And I definitely don't like waiting for the future. Wait....waiting for the future? Why does that irritate me?
I wonder if it has to do with my fear of the future, and maybe waiting means (to me) I could be doing something else to help move faster towards the future. (Side note: when I'm saying "future" I'm not thinking of some far way time or land. The actual word appears in my head but it's fuzzy, sparkling and rippling. As though it's some magical, unattainable word, like a carrot being dangled in front of a horse. lol) But WHAT am I trying to move towards? What's the fear?
Sigh! Honestly, my fear is my reality. I am once again single, without a family, trying to make friends and very tired of working on myself so I can be happy and attractive. Ouch! Okay, so based on rereading the previous statement, waiting means to me that I am just sitting back and hoping the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I mean I guess that's what it means to me.
Yikes...so I'm not trusting God. I am not trusting His understanding of my situation, my pain, the state of my heart and desires. Ugh..back to Sunday school for me. Wait, trust, patience, relax....sounds intimidating to me. And what do I do when I'm intimidated? CONTROL! (The plot thickens) So....something happens and I have to wait. I get irritated or restless and attempt to figure out how I could be out doing something else (working out to help me be more attractive or meeting a new friend so I'm less lonely) to move me towards the "future" and away from my reality. Well that's quite a humbling revelation.
Read my Bible - not yet today
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....unless a lot of walking up and down three flights of stairs plus cleaning all day counts.
Do something for someone else - offered to buy the soda and lemonade for the Legacy Chapel BBQ
Do something for myself - taking a night off
Eat well - cooking a healthy version of Beef Stew
Emotional state: humbled and reflective
High point: booked my ticket to DC
Low point: paying bills
Tip of the day: a clean, organized space helps the mind and body relax