Sunday, July 10, 2011

Texas Hold 'em

Day 26:

    I've had a LOT of thoughts today. None of which amount to a hill of beans, but in all those thoughts I have noticed an internal battle in myself. Here's the battle....when do I hold my cards close and when do I play them. lol Okay so for those of you that have NO idea what I'm talking about (which is probably the majority), I wonder when is it okay to be vulnerable and honest with my feelings, and when is it not.
    To be honest my normal tendency is to be upfront and open. I feel our society is so big on sugar coated or condemning that we have no idea how to confide in others. We hide so much of ourselves...especially weakness!  So what happens when you were once able to confide your feelings in someone and now it's inappropiate or unwanted. Do you continue to be honest with your feelings or do you sugar coat and play nice? Normally I'm surprised by the positive responses when I'm vulnerable, but what about the times when I'm vulnerable and I experience rejection or worse....apathy. And then there's balance.
     In life there are times it's important for me to keep my cards close, not exposing my true feelings or desires. Then there are the other times....when it's essential I be open and real with where I am at. However, finding the balance...the middle ground in really, REALLY rough times is hard. For me it's been difficult sharing my pain and hurt, because I am met with a lot of judgement. But I know the hearts of those that have expressed judgement. I know them to be understanding and loving....why not continue to let them in? Trust God in them.
     On the other hand, there are those that were once really close to my heart and they know me and can sense when somethings up. But because of deep wounding I find it almost impossible to be honest with them. However, maybe that's just when I should be honest...even if thats not always pain free for either them OR me. And yet....when and with whom. Sigh.....and the beat goes on!

My Survival Plan

Read my Bible - 1 Chronicles 9:1-10:14, Acts 27:21-44, Psalm 8:1-9, Proverbs 18:23-24

Proverbs 18:24, "There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother."

Worship - not today

Work out - only walked my dog....but like 10 times

Do something for someone else - agreed to pet sit

Do something special for myself - watched "Dirty Dancing."

Cook - I allowed Hickory House to serve me the best ribs today! lol

Emotional state: nervous

High point: my high was actually last night. I bought the cutest little puppy raincoat....Sapulpa was not having it. HILARIOUS 

Low point:  saying bye to a friend

Tip of the day: The Bissell steam cleaner is amazing when you own a puppy!

1 comment:

  1. I think you share with those who are safe. We all need different friends for different purposes. The "judging" personalities can be great for helping you gain perspective and line up a path forward but not so great if you want an emotional empathizer.