Tomorrow would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary....AND I'm sort of nervous about how I will feel in the manana. There's this fear that I will wake up aching with regret and sadness or that it will pass without a noticable reflection at all. I realize the latter might be the best of both, but at the end of the day I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm ready for more pain, but at the same time...the second anniversary...not sure I want it to not matter.
What I am grateful for is being in DC supported by friends and babies. lol It's a slightly weird dynamic when I realize this could have been me right now...a mom with a little one exchanging baby questions with friends. Just seems weird that I am back in this (single) perdictament. In reality I know I am in the right place and even at peace with my decisions, but there is that sting...the prick of reality that I might not ever have this in my life. I might not ever be a wife or mom, much less a grandma...etc. I'm back in a place that at one time was fun, intimidating and mysterious...but single now...I'm face with such a complicated dilemnia. See...I prayed, believed and remained pure for my marriage. Now I'm afraid to pray for redemption, incredibly inpatient, and well...what do you do with the concept of waiting til I'm married to have "relations" and now I'm no longer a virgin and no longer married. Ummmmmm?
Just praying for guidance and continued peace. Sigh....crazy, complicated and confusing place to be.