Today, I didn’t think I could get out of bed. This is definitely a day I wish I could actually sleep and stay asleep upon command. I guess that’s why sleep meds can be addicting. Amazing how good dream land can feel when reality bites. Remember that movie??? Well here’s my reality on day two of my journey to becoming a statistic….my “divorcity”:
My brother told me last night that my healing process will take 6 months to a year! Do you know how infuriating that made me? So not only did my ex get two and half years of my life, but now I need the better part of a year to get over it? Don’t get me wrong. I do not EVER want to repeat this situation again; therefore, I realize healing and working on ME is important, but it was just something about the idea of my ex still controlling my time somehow. Having a say in when I am healthy again.
My ex actually told me that he was looking forward to us being divorced and friends. When I think back on that moment, I remember being so shocked I couldn’t speak. He legitimately thought we would go through all of this, and then what… kick it and laugh about everything over a beer? Talk for hours on the phone at night just to see how our days went? Use each other as a sounding board or, even WORSE, for advice on future relationships? I have no idea if he has gotten the hint as of late, but the reality that he felt we’d remain in each other’s lives as friends when he would not fight for me as his wife is just insulting. Sigh…deep breath…I’m starting to feel myself get more and more tense thinking back on that conversation.
Lastly, I miss him. Not in a, let’s get back together and try to make this work kind of way, but an I can’t believe you are still, even now, my closest friend...sort of way. Despite everything. Despite his unwillingness to know me completely, he is the one person I leaned on after a hard day at work. The one person that understood my obsession with “The Bachelor” or “Destination Truth” (tv shows for those of you that aren’t familiar with those titles). Even though, he didn’t share my love for traveling, reading, cooking or wine, he did get my need for the occasional lazy day and scary movie. He did understand my love of magazines and E! TV. He did give me my Christmas Eve kitty after our cat, Faith, disappeared one fall night, and he knew how much it devastated me. And despite my intense disappointment over his mind numbing passiveness towards everything but golf, I miss him.
Ugh...that's my reality today. It's a "I will move on, but I miss what we were" day!