Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day Three:

Good girl gone bad!

       So tell me, why is it when a good girl behaves badly she must be cracking or going mental or even possessed? I actually envy people these days that can have "moments" and it's excused away as a bad day or simply "stress." When I have a bad day or moment it feels like I'm letting the world down! Where did this pressure come from? Did I put it on myself? Has it always been there? Is it even true? And then I is struggle bad? How is pain wrong? How does this mean I'm one step away from jumping down the rabbit hole?

      I think I'm beginning to realize how much of a pedestel I actually put myself on. It's not that I thought I was beyond failure, disappointment or struggle, but I guess I did somehow think I didn't have to feel them. Somehow I could figure away around the problems.That there are ways to circumvent the whole process. Reality is: there is no way to short circuit heart break. It sucks, and with it comes all the brokenness and anger that can make even this level headed girl go crazy. Normally I would want to hide that, I would want to fade away in the background so it's not seen, but honestly, at this point, I don't think I can hide anymore. I have felt buried alive for the last 2 years. Almost as though I let parts of myself start to die in order to survive, in order to keep a smile on my face. That's a pathetic realization. I don't point the finger at anyone else but me for that one.

     I feel like I should say that I'm lost and confused. Isn't that what people say when they had the rug pulled out from underneath them? I don't feel lost though or confused for that matter. I feel scared. I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water, but at least I know I want my head ABOVE I don't feel lost because I know I want to move forward. I don't feel confused, because I'd rather be broken then feel as though I'm dying. The future isn't clear and I don't know that I have an understanding of what that all means, but I know God is bigger and I am stronger.

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