DATING and the Broken Road ahead!!!!

"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again." - Psalms 71:20-21

I posted these verses once before....WAY back in the day...but in light of some recent conversations and knowing what a few of my friends are going through...I felt it important to post it once again!

NOW for the blog!!!!

I didn't realize it has been 5 months since my last blog. I guess one could look at that as progress? Or no progress? Or somewhere inbetween? Honestly, I have no idea.

BUT that has given me 5 months to report on the dating scene. OH THE DATING SCENE. Lets see...I have been out with men that I am confused how we ended up on a date; pursued by men that dont get a hint; flash pan encounters that seemed so encouraging but ended up ending as qucikly at they started; and then the good guys that I just WISH there was a spark but nothing.

How do I stay encouraged???? How do I believe that God has someone for me in light of an ocean of ridculous encounters, endless text messages, blind dates, first dates, great dates with no hope, emotionally unavailable men, and men that just want a buddy (I dont camp!!!!). How do I? Because I have found a spark of hope...and believe me that spark was not present for years!

I found that hope in the belief of my friends...in my family. I found the hope in changing my prespective...and I found the spark when I realized that God is MY father. Just like my earthly father, my HEAVENLY father wants to fulfill the desires of my heart. I know for a fact my dad prays for me daily. I know he has a vision and hope for my life. I know one of his desires is to see me happy and prosperous...and having little grandbaby girls (dont tell anyone ;)) The Bible asks, "how much more does our HEAVENLY father want to see us happy then our earthly father" (my lame mans paraphrase...obviously).

Getting to this place is not easy....and it is NOT attached to another relationship, a new adventure or a moment of reprieve. The spark of hope is from a really deep, true understanding that you deserve God's best...and HE WANTS THAT FOR YOU!!!! I did some of that by FLOODING myself with uplifting messages (love Kris Valloton), HS worship (Kim Walker-Smith), or even worldly avenues like "The Secret" (positive thinking, Law of Attraction).

TO be honest...that isn't easy or natural for me...but once I felt that spark (all Holy Spirit oriented) at the beginning of this year I have fought to keep it. I have listened to sermons of hope and fulfilling dreams, to positive oriented situations, seeking out my friends and families that are believing for me, reading books about it, etc. A lot of this is because I FINALLY believe it! I believe I can have it...and of course saying that...putting me out there...I fight the cringe of "what if"...but that is only a result of what I have been through.

I know I deserve God's best...and when my family and friends...tell me I am the whole package..I want to believe, SO I finally CHOSE to believe it..... then that means I accept that...and If I choose to embrace that I feel a tremendous amount of humility and responsibilitiy. I want to be that woman...and that means anyone that comes along my path...GREAT or not....I treat as though they are what? A step along the way? A direction sign that tells me to stop, go forward, you can get there from here but it will take you longer? I THINK its a lot like the Rascal Flatts song, "Every long long dream lead me to where you are. Others who have broke my heart they were like Northern stars pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true...that God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to YOU!'

Dating Again

So I am dating AGAIN!

It's strange and weird and creates such a complicated mixture of feelings . True, I dated a couple of men before this "season," but that was mostly about trying to figure out myself, what I wanted....and to be honest numb the pain of healing (even a healed scar can be tender and achy at times). This time, this season is about me owning and acknowledging that I want to be married again...I would like to start a family. There is such fear with voicing this desire..but then there is freedom ....and then .....there is dating!!!...Once again allowing my heart to remain open in a sea of awkward conversations, dinners and blind dates.

This time around, though, dating has been very different. I am less afraid to express what I want in a relationship. I am more confident about who i am and less insecure about my appearance (take it or leave it folks)? I am a bit harsher in my judgements of red flags and boundary issues? I am more self-reflective and aware of why I may or may not be attracted to someone. And weirdly enough I am at place where I finally understand saying no to "good enough" means I am really saying YES to wanting God's best.

I remember a concept I learned back in my high school psych class...it was called the Chemical Map. Basically the idea was that every relationship (casual, dating, committed or just a meaningful encounter) causes a chemical reaction telling you want you do or do not like in someone, and this can, if you allow it to, direct you to the connection you desire for your life. It can be as simple as meeting someone with incredible blues eyes and you are immediately attracted to them or to someone you dated that was completely sold out to God and you find yourself respecting them. And all of this information/experiences can lead you to recognize the person for your life when he comes. And while I recognize much of this concept is humanistic in nature.....I find so much truth in it now entering the dating world again. 

My past experiences/relationships have taught me a lot, and I see how they have even shaped some of my expectations. My past Chemical Map has been challenged, altered and amended by the experiences I can filter out from the past. For one, I realize that my first Chemical Map lead me down a strictly more romantic, highly emotional path. I wanted a certain type...someone who made me FEEL a certain way...now I look back at that map and say, "I want that,  but life behind close doors needs so much more." For me, strong character, an attentive ear, a willingness to be unconditional, an adventurous spirit, a love for doing God's work and a passion for worship and seeking His presence.....may seem so....DUH....but honestly, major points of interest on my new map.

The side of all this that I feel is most difficult.....is that once you have experienced a horrible ripping/devastation such as divorce it is hard( almost impossible)to believe, imagine or know you can have more or want something better. I don't walk around with a scarlet letter, an elevated sense of self righteousness or even a broken heart (anymore) ...I have been blessed to be surrounded with people who have believed in and supported me....but that never stopped the questioning and the concern of choosing the right person in the future....or my worse fear........there might not be someone! Yet this new season feels like a huge learning curve! A place that is both scary and exciting. 

Yeah..so with all that great knowledge and wisdom(sarcastic)...where am I now? I am dating...and grateful the map is VERY different...and I am grateful because it seems I am attracting such great men. BUT to be completely truthful....dating is exhausting and once you have established a life for yourself it is even more exhausting trying to find the time....lol! I am not interested in kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince (and wont). Yet I have learn if you truly want something God always requires prayer and action (easier to turn the titanic if the titanic is MOVING). So I remain open, hopeful, focused and for the first time, in a long time...fighting for my future, my heart....and the plans HE has for me! 

I Will LIVE For Them!

After reflecting on so much LIFE....I asked myself....how do others see me? Whats interesting but also solidifies so much of what I believe (our focus...what we seek...we will find) is that I would be a very different person if I really knew or understood the way others see me.

I remember that once in college a friend told me....an unspoken compliment is a wasted thought....so I feel as though I have cheated and been cheated out of so many thoughts. Dont know...but I do  know that in hard, dark times, and in great, memorable moments it is incredibly easy to get self absorbed. To only feel, want, like, need what is good for ourselves....and in those moments we can forget! We can forget what we mean to others....who we are to others. We can lose sight that our lives are but vapors and God has chosen us for such a time as THIS (I know I sound all TBN...but it is true).

For me...it is painful to admit that I have forgotten that I have friends, clients, family all over America (and the world for that matter) that depend and want my advice. I have nephews and friends that have not seen my face in months (for so many reasons...some I havent been able to control) but still talk about me and wonder whats going on. I also have the on the skirts, out of the fringes people (not quite friend...not quite client...not quite acquaintance but still important)  that like my blog, or facebook status...or even contact me via text once in a blue moon.

This is not a self-absorbed...look at me blog...although I just reread my blog  and rolled my eyes...lol....I have remembered that we live so much life and impact (good or bad) so many people...and that (at least for me) when we get into a rut....a hard place or even just a SUPER busy time we can not get to place that people aren't apart of the equation.

We ARE relationship...and I write this for the broken hearted, the really busy, the ones that can get so lost into their own worlds that they forget that their world impacts others .or needs them.  Dont get me wrong....I started this blog because I was getting a divorce and through the past two years I have been happy, frustrated, feeling loved, feeling hopeful, sad, present, on time, devastated, not good enough, lonely, angry, and gone...but none of those feelings and reality change that when I get a text or message that says I am so glad you are there (here) and I dont know what i would have done without you it has to change from a ME to I will LIVE for THEM!!!

Cambodia...and the lessons a parasite taught me.

I know it has been forever since I have posted anything, but a creative bug (my parasite buddy) has made me rather self-reflective lately....for many reasons.

One reason is that I have not been able to do much other then work and sleep (and think). Another reason is that all that downtime (and cabin fever) has caused me to really adjust my perspective and what I value in life. And lastly, I feel like I owe God! For all the anger and frustration I spewed at Him after returning from Cambodia and being sick....He actually had more of a plan then my narrow understanding allowed for.

Okay so quick back story for those of you who do not know what happened. About five days or so into my Cambodian trip I got really, REALLY sick. My old Teen Mania buddies would refer to it as the Big D...but it ended up being a lot more then that. I literally did not leave, could not leave the hotel for three days....and the frustration set in. Why in the world would God bring me clear across the world to only end up living in my hotel room. I missed the prayer walk...I missed the village day...I missed a lot!!! Course at the time I didn't have much energy to formulate to much thinking...but once I began to feel a bit better all I could do is see was intense frustration and then have an all out cry fest. (I know...woe is me! lol) I later found out I had a parasite. 

On the fourth day...I began to feel better and things began to change (but it was only later I found out that the change was for the good). Since I could leave my room for more then 10 minutes without running back to the bathroom in desperation I decided I wanted to join the team. Well i did it..but I had to take a LOT of breaks...and at one point I laid down...and ended up passing out.  During one of the breaks, I began to cry...so frustrated that I was sick...and a few women from my team came to pray over me. One of the words I received was that God had put me on my back on purpose. He wanted to talk to me....He knows I can DO things but He wanted to BE with me...and wanted me to go deeper, be an intercessor for Him..for the team.  Some might thing...WELL see there God did have something for you....but for my personality prayer feels like doing a lot of nothing when there is painting, cleaning and actual work to be done. Oh how wrong can one little lady be?!?!?!

After I returned home I was feeling better but quickly relapsed...and from that point I got really angry with God. I couldn't work, I couldn't leave my house....I basically disappeared from life. Confused, fighting depression, unhealthy I would lay in my bed and just cry...I have traveled all of the world and have NEVER gotten sick. And I knew (know) that God told me to go to Cambodia...I didn't have to raise a finger to raise the money....it was effortless. So why? What was the point if I was only going to end up sick and miss some of the trip...and now missing work, and not seeing my family or friends. What the madness? It doesn't make sense? Ever felt that way?

Slowly (what actually felt...v....e.....r....y.....S....L....O....W) I have gotten better....and since that slow climb back out of the dark hole I have noticed my perspective on a few things have changed. For one...I value my health like never before. You don't know how bad you feel till you start to feel good again. To me in those moments of desperation, loneliness and frustration I begged...I pleaded with God to heal me. You know the whole.....God I promise to do this if you do this...lol...silly I know but in those moments I would h ave done anything. Since, I have been aware of my PHYSICAL HEALTH (you will start to see a theme).

Another perspective shift is the importance of my friends and family. Its not that I feel as though I was taking advantage of either, but I am not sure I was as grateful for them as I am now. In Cambodia my United Womens team was one of the most special things to me about the trip. We were so unified and focused on supporting each other...that when I came back and could not go to church or to any of the outings that were planned...I felt robbed. Why God did You allow me to fall in love with these women only to have me get sick and lose touch (geez how narcissistic can one person sound?..whine, whine, whine) But that wasn't entirely true...during that time...I had friends and family (my amazing mother) that would come over at all hours of the day AND night to bring me Gas-X, Campbells soup, Gatorade, lecture me about not going to the doctor, etc. So coming out of my stupor I realized how blessed I am to have people that care...even care enough to tell me to suck it up and stop being a whiny baby.    lol No joke. Realizing the shift in EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Lastly, through all of this I have seen how God broke some things in my life and reignited a passion for Him.  He broke some unhealthy dependencies, altered a few negative thinking patterns, and really changed my focus from myself (I can do things on my own) to focusing on Him. Honestly for months I have struggled with how to get my passion/love/zeal for God back. The start of the trip really kicked things into gear...being around such Godly, amazing women...but honestly the digging and going deeper happened when I was by myself, praying....listening to worship....reflecting on the last two years. Realizing I need a desperate shift in my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. God convicted my selfish focus and unrealistic expectations for myself....and thus a crazy, perpetual cycle that had my focus fixated on what I didn't have verses what God has blessed me with.

So as you can see...HEALTH...physical, emotional and spiritual health...three HUGE areas that I truly feel have been effected by 6 weeks with my gut buddy parasite. It might be obvious...and/or it might not be what we want to see in the moment...but God can and will use some of the most trying of times to change the deepest parts of ourselves.

A Year Ago Today...well almost

Tomorrow, will be a year since, what I thought would be, my life forever and permanently changed.....well at least...legally.  CRAZY!!!

In this past year I have seen, experienced, loved, lost, and moved on from many things. I have traveled a bit, met a lot of people, lost a few friends, moved in and out of one hellish roommate situation, moved into a good situation, had a birthday, changed my hair color, forgot to exercise (for way to long), helped start my church, fell in love with my nephews, welcomed my parents back home, witnessed my friends having more babies, possibly found love again, leaned heavily on family and friends, made a lot of calls (some good, some bad), absorbed a lot of wisdom, did some really dumb (fun) things, listened to a lot of country, watched WAY to many movies, gone on auntie dates, and hopefully helped a few people along the way...none of which happened in that order. Ohhhh and lets definitely not forget I prayed, prayed, prayed, worshiped a lot and prayed some more. And I remembered!!!

I remember that there were moments when I thought I could not breath. I remember thoughts of being judged and misunderstood by family and friends. I remember hours of phone calls crying til I could not bring myself to cry another tear. I remember spaces of time that felt as though I would never recover, never laugh again, never love again. I remember hearing so many words of wisdom and advice. I remember hearing whispers of what others thought I was or was not doing. And I remember many trips to friends and my parents (when they were in TX) homes that brought both reality and life to me. THEN....then...there were pockets of time where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be okay. I knew that God had rescued me somehow, that I would somehow someday find my way back...be happy again... could.believe I had a future and hope.

Well I am not sure I found my way back, per se, but like a different way, a new way to look at life. In reflection, it seemed I never really followed my heart when it came to love and relationships. In career, location, friendships, school, travel...I absolutely followed my heart, I clung to what I felt God was telling me, but when it came to matters of the heart...somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my heart and ability to hear Gods voice and allowed others to tell me what was best, right for me. I somehow avoided the truth God said about me, and what He wanted for my life, and clung to the idea that I was not worthy of true love, and would never truly be loved for who I am. WHY because I believed I was to much, to inconsistent, to opinionated, to flaky, to ugly, to fat, to average....just to....blah blah.

In no way am I trying to promote a humanistic way of thinking, but I truly do think in this last year I have learned to value my heart, my passions, and my life. God rules all of it, but it is amazing to reflect and realize how much I compromised because I just did not want to be wrong. I did not want to be overlooked. I did not want to be lonely or even worse avoided because perhaps my life did not line up with others plans for me. I know, I know...this sounds all Oprah-ish, but the last year for me, with all its hardships, sleepless nights, joyful moments and amazing encounters...I learned one thing....be true to myself...listen to my heart....for only I know what God is speaking to me, and what my heart honestly wants for my life.

a dog and his vomit

I've been thinking a lot about what living a life of purpose looks like, and somewhere between my Bible, honest conversation/prayer and Oprah's magazine I've started to wonder what HAVE I been doing with my life?!?! Don't get me wrong...I love my life. I have a job I am passionate about, friends I admire and depend on, amazing family I actually enjoy being around...  and now recently added...an apartment (and roommate) that I adore...yet....YET there seems a longing for more...or maybe it's something missing? Or maybe it's just God's stirring...and like so many times before I've been restless without any clarity of "why".

In reflection of times similar to this, I would normally start to look into language classes, missions trips, new hobbies, something new to medicate the stirring or longing. And well honestly I'm doing that even know...because I do find the value in creating a life worth living...but after all the lessons I've learned...I'm trying my hardest to just sit and listen...sit and WAIT...sit and go through it.

Here's what I find interesting in this season...or phase...or transition...whatever you want to call it. When I feel this restlessness, this stirring...almost like a urning...I WANT IT TO STOP. I'm more likely to try to jump over it, medicate it, at least do something to help it fade somewhat rather then press in and hear God....but even worse then all that...I find I fight reaching back to the past. Past activities, things, people to find some sort of comfort, some sense of security. As though the past (that I've left behind for good reason) is going to help somehow stabilize my feelings and fear enough to move struggle free into the future? I'm tempted because I'm scared that the future won't feel as real as the past? Well....maybe? But mostly it's because i'm concerned the stirring and restlessness isn't authentic and that it's so vague and uncertain that I can't trust it...or rather I don't know if I want to trust it...TRUST that God is moving me into the direction of a new thing...a better thing...something HE has destined for me.

....And then the images start...I think about Peter (2 Peter 2:22) reflecting on Proverbs, "Of them the proverbs are true: "A dog returns to its vomit," and, "A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud." It kind of makes me laugh...because I can actually see my puppy going back to her yuckiness and thinking..."well it was originally good, right?" Course we think, just picturing it,...gross...disgusting...I feel nauseous...BUT seriously how often do we do that? Reaching back to past relationships, past behaviors, past thinking and beliefs...all the time justifying..."well it worked that one time," or, "it started out as a good thing," or even better, "I'm sure now things are different because I'm different so I can handle it differently." NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm telling myself that as much as I'm shouting that out to the universe. 


The WHOLE point of Peter addressing the above proverb was to emphasize the lunacy of that behavior. Course that doesn't make it any easier I know...just because we recognize something as unhealthy, dysfunctional...even crazy making doesn't mean that "old, familiar, and comfortable" aren't just as tempting as they have been before...however, I'd pose this question(s) to both you and me. "What if reaching back is the very reason we aren't moving forward...moving on...actually trusting God?" What if the hurdle of eating our own vomit or going back to the mud hole grosses out our future????


Sure it's comfortable and sure it might give momentary relief, but the old is the old...and many times, in the past, because it served it's purpose but is now no longer useful. Or in my case the past is the past because it was not only NOT good for the direction of my life and heart but caused me to lose focus, lose faith and lose my way. I mean if I reach back,eat my own yuckiness, or wallow in my own comfort level what's the overall cost. The time wasted on my own guilt/conviction! The emotions wasted on ONCE AGAIN learning the lesson! The mental energy wasted once again recovering and processing!


Doesn't seem like vomit's all that worth it.  

How many piles of rocks have you moved today?

This might be a difficult one for me to blog about...not because it's crazy complicated or anything. It's difficult because, in concept it's so simple (or should be), yet the action, carrying it out challenges almost all sense of logic, comfort and...well let's be honest....safety. I'm not saying Faith is a threat to personal safety as in "Yah! We have faith now let's play Russian roulette. OR how about cliff diving without a parachute." (This is where...if you know me and can picture this...I would roll my eyes, give you the look and walk away if I was "challenged" with these examples as arguments....YET if you knew me better I might remark...nope...He just wants you to get out of the boat and walk on water. Shouldn't be a problem right?) :) But seriously, I mean it more in the sense of our comfort levels.

What usually dictates our move from A to B? What normally helps us pick between this belief or that one? What commonly aids our decisions in staying or going, settling or expanding, stopping or moving forward...is it faith? or is it fear? If we really got honest with ourselves how many of us would admit that we have made decisions stating we felt "peace" but in the end it just felt like the safest option? The most innocuous and (let's just say it) inexpensive move. Harmless, innocent, benign....all great words in appropriate context...but has God called us to a benign, harmless, inexpensive, safe faith? NO!

He has called us into a faith that is reverent, Yes, but also into a faith that is radical. A faith that is not all logical and safe. One thing my brother said in service today that shook me, was when he reference the Law of Creation as God's faith in action. God spoke, "Let there be Light and there was light...Let the water be separated from the Land..." In any of that did God doubt that what he spoke forth would be created? Absolutely not...and similarly Jesus told us, in Mark 11:23 "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him," Jesus said, "I only do those things I see the Father doing." Aren't we suppose be doing what Christ does...is that what Christianity is all about...becoming a Christ follower???? So if God spoke without doubt in His heart...and Jesus spoke without doubt in His heart...then we are to....

What if our lack of faith is fear dictated by our own doubt. Doubt in our ability to hear God clearly because our fear is it might not be the "right" voice. Doubt in our capabilities, strength, brain power, finances, relationships because our fear is they are not good enough. Doubt in His willingness to come through and provide because our fear is He doesn't want to or needs to teach us a lesson (spanking intended). Doubts about His actual feelings towards us because our fear is we are unlovable or unacceptable. I love it in Mark 9:23 & 24 when a father that has sought out Jesus to heal his son but slips and tells Jesus (sort of indirectly) that he's not sure if Jesus can. Jesus responds, " If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." And I love the father's statement in v. 24, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."  Jesus heals the little boy despite the fathers seed of doubt...and i would wonder...do you think the father speaking it out...acknowledging his fear..his unbelief might have prompted Jesus to heal the little boy and moreover heal the father's seed of doubt?

I hear so much of myself in the father's response. I would be like..."no Jesus really, I came all this way, OBVIOUSLY I know you can!. I know you are capable. You're the Creator, the Messiah, the Savior, I have no doubt you can." Then it would hit me. He's right...there's this tiny fear. This little seed of doubt that is saying...I don't know if He will. I don't know if He wants to! Then I would say (hopefully)...Lord please help my unbelief!

I, many times, doubt God's willingness to work in my life, to speak and say the impossible and then my ability to walk it out...because I doubt Him..i doubt that he wants to...and then I doubt myself. I doubt that i'm worthy of love or being loved. I doubt I am "saved enough," living correctly, forgiven. And many of us can sit here and read these words and think..."Oh Brooke of course you are. Poor, poor, poor girl...she just doesn't get it." But then when we examine our own belief...our own level of faith???? 

Christ said it would only take the faith of a mustard seed to move the mountains. And I truly believe with everything in me...those mountains can be struggles, interpersonal, spiritual...even NATURAL...but I would ask...how many mountains have you moved today???? Have you even moved a rock?