Humbled

Today at church I had a powerful encounter with God.

I woke up this morning with this nervous energy that I could not explain. Normally I'm not a great morning person (coffee x 2 is my friend), but at 7:00 a.m. I was up and at 'em, ready for the day. But it didn't matter what I was doing I couldn't shake the feeling that I was going to hear from God today. My heart pounded loudly (and this was pre-coffee).

Today at Legacy we had a special speaker. My family's long time friend Greg Fritz came to minister, and I have to admit I sort of wanted to blend into the wall. lol Seriously though...I had this weird feeling that can only be explained as a deep knowing, that he (Greg) was going to prophesy over me. Funny thing is when Greg stepped up to take the mic...almost immediately...he stated, "I don't consider myself to be a prophet." I felt myself relaxed...lol (no idea why I was so scared of being prophesied over), but then he said something to the effect of, "But I'm not sure I need to preach today. I think I want to just pray over people." CRAP!!!!

lol...okay so long story short...Greg began to pray over me and I literally felt my body began to shake. I couldn't stop it. Now if you know me...I'm not really a "fall under the power", Holy Spirit heebie jeebies person (although I can't deny it's happened to me before)...but I could feel the awesome Power of God all over me. As though he was surrounding me. What followed were some of the most healing  and personally transforming words that I could never do justice, so I will only paraphrase.

"God uses you everyday in your profession and in those around you. He wants you to begin to take your knowledge and connect it with the Spirt. Pray in the Spirit like never before. This is going to be key to taking you into the new and increased season of your life. Greater wisdom, you are going to increase in wisdom. Things people have never been able to heal or understand, you are going to have the answer for. God is going to do much through you and despite you. He is also going to bless you despite you, and the reason for this is because you will tell everyone and anyone that, 'It's God and only God.'There is much plan for you Brooke. Get ready!"

He then began to speak over my past pain, "You have already lived through many of your storms, and you are better for it. Because of this you will be able to reach more and more people, but besides that God has better and more for you. You are pure and clean. You are not ruined. We all make mistakes and you are not defined by your past. Do NOT believe the lies of the enemy. The things he (Satan) tries to tell you. You are beautiful, you are worthy. Now you will move into your future. God is healing and restoring your heart, you are a completely different person, and better for it. He has such good things planned. Don't look back to the past and think you are disqualified. God is now and going to us you mightly. Your future is bright."

I am humbled by this word for me. Even right now I'm fighting back tears. I just think it's crazy that God remembered me and chose to remind me today how He feels about me...and he did it through a man that I not only respect but I know for a fact only speaks truth and therefore I can trust his words. Also, to feel the presence of God is such a way....it's...well...it's another awakening.

So my uncle says...

My Uncle and I have been reading this incredible book. It's an out of the box, not easily read (if lazy) type of read. From this book (and ultimate challenge from the message of the book) my Uncle has started to challenge me to write a book about my experiences, about those I am passionate about. He thinks there are things i can communicate and give out of my experience and (definitely) with the age range I work with. But here's the dilemma....what would I say? What in the world would I say?

The Way of Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman (the book we're reading) is one of the most extraordinary works of fiction/non-fiction?)...that not only challenges our intellect but our pursues of passions and interest. It will tweak your brain in a way that is unexplainable and beyond words.

In recent days I have felt this weird understanding that I'm called to something bigger then myself. It's not a expectation or even a want...it's an internal passion that has ultimately drawn out the deepest parts of me (hope that doesn't sound weird). It's not beyond my current teens or counseling...but what I mean is....a couple of my girls (from the past) have sought me out..and through those conversations...i have wondered....WHY ME? Of course that thought doesn't happen to much...but I do think after....why do they trust me? Why am I accessible to them? Why I am seen as worthy of wisdom and confrontation? What can I say that helps them move to the next step?

What would I say? What would the advice, the wisdom (lol?) be?

Here's what the question had done for me. It's help me isolate what I am passionate about. What I am wanting for the young people of this era. The young women (and men) i see sitting in front of me everyday.

If I could say anything to them...it would be STOP IT! STOP all this foolishness...all this fanatical belief in lives that aren't real or worthy. Stop selling yourselves short of ultimate fulfilment! STOP doubting your importance. The part you that might deliver you children out of slavery.. STOP doubting the essence of God in YOU! The BOLDNESS in you. Stop thinking 10lbs is the breaking point of kind of weird attractiveness (scale) decision...what the hell does 10lbs have to do with anyting. Stop thinking the voice of reasoning is just some weird conscious tweak.

Then after all that....I think...where am I ...I know I'm in place of calling the young people in this generation to rise up..but I know there must be more. there MUST be the young and old, the female and male, that require our young people to live to a different standard....

here's what I know beyond doubt...i have PLENTY of young people...that are disrespectful, spout off, and do things "there way"...yet...u know what's interesting...they are committed to my office, they are committed to my boundaries and consequences. I have one young one that fights everyone else in her life...but still continues to schedule a time a with me. AND I have those that say...I just want my parents to be my parents. What does that say?

I would also say...The love of imperfection is the clue to freedom. we are all imperfect and the sooner we realize and accept that the better. And I think for those of us that can identify loss, imperfection, distraction, and grief....and own not only how those things changed us but moved AND deepen us forever...that we have responsibility that is beyond what is contractual...we're beyond requirement of replication....God has called us to change and encourage TRANSFORMATION! What does that all mean?

A little R&R

Reflections and Resolutions

I realize there are probably thousands of new posts going up, at this very moment, about resolutions for the New Year or reflections of the past one. And honestly, while I loath being a cliche' I simply could not resist the opportunity to do some reflecting and "resoluting" myself.

2011 was....well...there were parts that I remember as fun and enjoyable; some sad and full of heartbreak; a few moments were hard and exhausting; while others were just plain forgettable. It's amazing for me to remember that this time last year I was looking for a house and planning a family. Somewhere in between I moved out, moved home and began the journey back to myself. Evenmoreso...I started a journey towards renovation and transformation (hopefully...knock on wood).

Frankly, 2011 was probably the hardest year of my life. There were moments I felt as though I've was repeatedly hit over the head and now reflect on 2011 with a bit fuzziness. With THAT said...I'm grateful I learned a lot about myself. I'm, also, grateful that I have learned who my real friends are, and for the reforged relationship with my family. I'm, also, even grateful that I adopted my spunky, crazy puppy and welcomed a new nephew....all in 2011.

But who would have thought I'd be here....after months of feeling utterly ruined and shattered, I'm looking (once again) for new beginnings. I have the same usual resolutions...lose 10lbs, organize my apartment, develop professionally.....but for once....I want....no, I NEED my goals to carry me to a different level of myself...transformation....an all encompassing overhaul. I guess to a new place where I hope to not even recognize myself a year from now. And you know what??? That's freaking scary.

What if I don't succeed? What if transforming is more painful then what I've already been through? What if success looks an awful lot like some of my deepest fears? Alone, struggling, floundering.....yet WHAT IF....everything is different? What if wholeness and healing are on the other side? What if I wake up a dormant part of myself that I never knew was there?

I am tired of not setting goals because I'm afraid I won't reach them.....or worse just give up because I'm bored or unmotivated. I would say 2011 has taught me that I need people, I need support and absolutely know I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. So for 2012 my goals will include emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health.
"Ruin is a gift! Ruin is the road to transformation." - Liz Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love"

Cheers...here's to 2011 reflections and 2012 resolutions!

The most beautiful wedding....

December 26th

I spent Christmas in absolute bliss. Honestly, weeks were devoted to buying the perfect gift for my family members. And I loved it. Although i love the unbelievable, extravagant gifts...there's nothing like the personal, one-of-a-kind gifts that let you know that person really knows you! I gave my oldest nephew a "kids beginner guitar" and he told me in hushed tones..."Auntie, I love my guitar. It's my favorite." Sigh....yes! Got something right.

For the last four weeks I have listened to inspirational and raw sermons at Legacy chapel. All involving the immense struggle, purity of faith and absolute devotion of faith of those involved in Christ's (the Christmas) story. God located some incredibly vulnerable, simple yet influential people that brought His purpose to pass......yet if most of us inserted ourselves in that scenario...would we have done the same? Mary, a woman betrothed to a heavy hitter? Joseph with incredible lineage and influence...looking to settled down in a normal life. The Wise men...called from their normal duties of scholastic endeavors to a purpose based on faith and circumstance. ......would we do the same? Um, Probably not!!!!

This Christmas has been a blessing (literally) because I have felt so much love and acceptance..but that's not to negate the yuckiness I feel now. I've gone weeks without hearing from my ex and while (I thank God) it has been refreshing and releasing....it's also been a finalizing step towards a mistake so deep I no longer have words. How do you rationalize such? i didn't doubt anything on my wedding day. In fact I cried for gratefulness in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes...and was found by my bridesmaids...who had frankly looked for me for 30 minutes.

AND I'm there. I'm at the place that I don't feel much...nor do I have the words that could ACTUALLY explain how I am navigating through THIS season. But today..the day after Christmas...to realize my married life is no longer happening...well....what are the words? It's hard....definite....and sobering. Something about the holidays makes everything official...at least for me. There have been no texts, phone calls or voicemails from him (not that expected or wanted such), YET it sends messages to utmost deepest parts of me. It's not rejection. It's not even resolve. It's an ending! And on that level it's without a word, but signifies a desperation to move on. An understanding that the past is the past....and the only place to move on to..is "what God has for the future."

here's the hope i grasp from Christ's birth...the beginning of His story. In the story: both mom and dad has to believe beyond ALL odds. Like many of us...who believes in the future for our lives? We probably have a few...and if lucky many...that believe in restoration for our lives....but what about those of us that have done things that are beyond repair...or those of use that have lived our entire lives for others...have have disappointed to a point hardly anyone can relate. What then? Mary trusted, Joseph had a dream (then he trusted) and the wisemen had been scholars that have studied and based their journey on years of knowledge. So where are we? In a place of faith, a place of trust in our God and His assurrance (through signs and messages) or in the knowledge we have collected over years? Who are you?

Although this post is chaotic at best! there's not much logic (in a journalistic stand point) but here's what I believe and know!

Through this season AND my life...I KNOW I serve a God that knows me personally and has a great ending and purpose for my life. I serve a Savior that is both personal and worth serving..thus makes me want to jump on the band wagon of the purpose He has called me too. I, with out abandon, serve a God that calls upon the gifts He has bestowed in me...and wants to be both available and ready for that when He calls for them. I KNOW I serve a God of vengeance. I know I serve a God that I do not need to consider nor construct any acts of revenge of those that have harmed me. God knows all....and I believe fully He will repay all debts and wrongs...and when it doesn't happen I believe in His absolute mercy and understanding.

Here is what I also know....God knows me deeply. He knows me at a "heart place" that no one...not even myself could know. With that...I thank you Jesus for your Salvation. i thank you that I barely know what that could mean. i trust beyond much knowledge and KNOW it's only You that provides heavenly salvation and intimacy.

Stupid relationships ;)

So after an amazing, quiet, family-filled Thanksgiving....I actually thought all the constant self-reflection might subside. Sigh....I mean really...what was I thinking. lol

On the phone with my mom I discovered a few yuckie things about myself (thank God for a Godly mother). The main one was that I confessed to feeling as though "I" could carry my marry. I thought I was strong enough to deal with everything wrong in the relationship....I thought there was nothing to big or beyond me. Yet then when I needed someone...when I needed to be carried...who could support me then? Myself? (And we're there) No!

God has not called us to live for or support ourselves. I quickly realized I could not only NOT carry my marriage but that it's important to know that when I need to be carried...He has called my husband...the person for me...to do that. If there isn't a husband...he had brought friendships and relationships into our lives to help!

We are meant for relationship. We are meant for partnership and friendship.....so when we isolate or think we can do things ourself we literally dismissed the commune God has called us to. He's called us to eachother.....with all the dark and unlovely places. The difference is....who are we partnering our lives with? are we allowing those that only "want" or "take" to be apart of our lives...or is there a mutual stream of life going on.

Isn't it interesting...in the story about the lame man that was brought to Jesus by his friends (they had to lower him through the roof because it was so packed)...Jesus said....it's because of THEIR faith that you are healed.

The right friends...the right people can make all the difference in the world. It's not always fun or easy...but true love is unconditional yet submitted to the transformation of God.

Puking Purple

So....recently I've received quite a few of encouraging comments about my blog (even a few lengthy emails)...but I've also have heard some less than complimentary ones. Nothing to harsh or even degrading, just subtle suggestions or remarks. And you know what? I LOVE IT! Here's why....regardless of the comments...you are reading the blog. And regardless of my experiences or response to them...YOU are having a response as well.

I realize that honesty and transparency can be difficult for many. I realize exposing one's pain or dark places can be intimately awkward. Yet I, also, know reading and relating to those words can be life changing and/or comforting. And I know if I didn't have an outlet I might have imploded and disappeared into depression a long time ago. Writing this blog was never for fans or controversary...it has always been about honesty and healing. I know...from both my job AND life....many go through the church (and outside the church) wearing masks that hide despair and brokenness. And many times we wear these masks not to only try and trick those watching...but ourselves. If I fake it then I can make it!  Truth be told I believe in the concept of this....when apply to the right season. But when life is rocked! When life hits hard and there was never a need for Plan B until now....well I'm sorry  but only coming into the light aids true healing and transformation (enough of my soapbox....for now)

Divorce, disappointment, heartache are shattering. They are broken dreams that settle into the most intimate of places. And what's even more devastating when going through that type of ruin...is feeling alone. Feeling as though no one anywhere understands or is going through it. But then I guess you really get that if you've gone through it.

A funny metaphor would be when my mom and dad teased me about decorating my house for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving. When my mom asked why I laughed and said, "Don't know. I guess because I can. It makes me happy." Then when my dad praised all the decor and thought my tree was beautiful, and he asked, "so why all the purple and not red and green?" I just shrugged and said, "Because I like it. Because I can." lol So I guess that's how I feel about this blog, about my words, about my experiences and translating them to you. I feel...well I write this...because I can...and you CAN respond however you like...because YOU can . Isn't that amazingly freeing?

So as my house remains decorated in silver and purple for Christmas, I sigh and chuckle...it's good to be in a place where I respond, I do, because I can....and maybe hopefully a long the way my actions and words will help someone else believe they CAN too!

Cheers! Here's to puking purple because you can!

One man's caution is not another man's truth!

Heartbroken and....sitting? Sounds like a country song.

Every day is a roller coaster...and I've found it exhausting to try and fight all the emotions. As for this week...between being sick with the flu and dealing with the reality of my newly acquired status (again)...I feel as though I'm drowning in pain. But what's been interesting....when I let myself cry, when I let myself be sad...there's almost this reprieve. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to wallow....nor get swallowed up by heaviness and depression....but there's something to allowing myself not be okay...I don't know...it's like I'm saying...yes I'm sick and I need to rest and take Nyquil (a LOT of it...lol). 

Giving myself premission to not be okay, reminded me of something I felt the Lord showed me years ago. I was living in Nashville, had an amazing job, but lonely and heart broken. There was yet another disappointment that happened and I laid crying in my bed one night....just begging to God to make it stop (ever felt that way?) Then I sat up, wiped my tears and headed to the restroom...then I heard a voice. It was clear, firm and as though right next to me.  I heard, "Who were you just talking to?" I stopped cold. "What?" Then again, "Who were you just talking to?" "I guess I was talking to you Lord?" Then is was as though the atmosphere shifted and I wasn't afraid or even shocked anymore "No you weren't. You were telling yourself what you thought I would say. Go sit down, close your eyes and just be silent." So I did (would  you argue?)

As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes I saw this vivid picture in my mind. It was of a little girl with long hair. She was laying on someone's lap bawling her little eyes out. Heart wrenching cries...then a fatherly hand started to stroke her hair and next thing I knew tears were falling into her hair. I heard him say, "This is what I wanted to do. You are hurting so I am hurting. You are crying so I am crying with you." There was no pressure, no rush...not even a simple answer. Just a simple "I want to be with you."

Sigh....to know God at that level? To not just desire an answer, but desire His presence...to know He hurts because I'm hurting. To know His heart breaks when my heart breaks...that motivates me to want to do this His way. Although hard..although scary...although with no promises or answers. It's hard to look into the future and be hopeful....to envision something different or better. But then knowing I don't have to prove anything....seek some kind of answer....to just be without shame. I suppose life gets pretty simple when it's more about "being" and less about answers and striving.