Heartbroken and....sitting? Sounds like a country song.

Every day is a roller coaster...and I've found it exhausting to try and fight all the emotions. As for this week...between being sick with the flu and dealing with the reality of my newly acquired status (again)...I feel as though I'm drowning in pain. But what's been interesting....when I let myself cry, when I let myself be sad...there's almost this reprieve. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to wallow....nor get swallowed up by heaviness and depression....but there's something to allowing myself not be okay...I don't know...it's like I'm saying...yes I'm sick and I need to rest and take Nyquil (a LOT of it...lol). 

Giving myself premission to not be okay, reminded me of something I felt the Lord showed me years ago. I was living in Nashville, had an amazing job, but lonely and heart broken. There was yet another disappointment that happened and I laid crying in my bed one night....just begging to God to make it stop (ever felt that way?) Then I sat up, wiped my tears and headed to the restroom...then I heard a voice. It was clear, firm and as though right next to me.  I heard, "Who were you just talking to?" I stopped cold. "What?" Then again, "Who were you just talking to?" "I guess I was talking to you Lord?" Then is was as though the atmosphere shifted and I wasn't afraid or even shocked anymore "No you weren't. You were telling yourself what you thought I would say. Go sit down, close your eyes and just be silent." So I did (would  you argue?)

As soon as I sat down and closed my eyes I saw this vivid picture in my mind. It was of a little girl with long hair. She was laying on someone's lap bawling her little eyes out. Heart wrenching cries...then a fatherly hand started to stroke her hair and next thing I knew tears were falling into her hair. I heard him say, "This is what I wanted to do. You are hurting so I am hurting. You are crying so I am crying with you." There was no pressure, no rush...not even a simple answer. Just a simple "I want to be with you."

Sigh....to know God at that level? To not just desire an answer, but desire His presence...to know He hurts because I'm hurting. To know His heart breaks when my heart breaks...that motivates me to want to do this His way. Although hard..although scary...although with no promises or answers. It's hard to look into the future and be hopeful....to envision something different or better. But then knowing I don't have to prove anything....seek some kind of answer....to just be without shame. I suppose life gets pretty simple when it's more about "being" and less about answers and striving.

Church, carbs, and good ole' intimacy issues?

After a fantastic church service about maintaining a thankful attitude in life I went to lunch with friends to a yummy Italian restaurant. And of course, when there are broken but thriving women eating together...an amazing heart to heart about all things relationship WILL happen.

During that conversation it became clear to me how much I am still hurt over a few things in my marriage. For one I felt my ex-husband never really knew me...there wasn't even a real effort to try. In fact I knew I had made a grave mistake when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I thought you were this perfect person." (This was, of course, said after I felt I messed up and asking for grace). I remember feeling so defeated, rejected and unloved. I also remember thinking...where is my safe haven? Where is it okay to not be okay?

 It was as though we said "I do, I love you"...and then nothing. I'm convinced he knows as much about me now as he did on our wedding day. There was no effort to understand my heart, to know why I acted or reacted to certain things. Why I struggled with some issues and remained resolved on others. No desire to know my dreams and hopes...we never even discussed baby names.Then after rehashing all this unloveliness over pasta it occurred to me....is this how God feels? How often do I act as though I love Him but turn from authentically knowing Him. I claimed all this love for Him...but then dont' have a clue what makes him tick. Don't understand his love towards me. His anger, frustration AND joy. I don't get it!

Honestly, how often do we claimed to love Him but not really know Him? We talk about Him, show up for service, discuss Christian issues with Christian friends, even read/memorize scripture yet there isn't a true connection, a true understanding of Him. In the same way my ex did not want to understand my joy, anger, desires and fears....I wonder do I know God's heart, His emotions? Have I even asked? Have I even made an effort? Do I just read the Bible looking for a face value answer...but never dive into all the important stuff behind the message?

It's also interesting to me how intimacy...true intimacy is usually birth in the most difficult of times. Have you experienced that? After a huge mistake, tragic loss or broken dream...it's those that stick around, those that help carry you, those that might not have understood but stood anyways...and then there's this bond. An unmistakeable tie that takes friendship and love to a wordless knowing. As though there's a connection that time and heartache can no longer break. And we all crave that don't we? To be fully known and fully loved. To be accepted in both the beauty and pain. To be supported in both brokenness and victory. Oh my, how our relationships would change. If I didn't want you to be something or someone for me.....but to just know you, understand you. If you accepted me, loved me in both Godliness and sin.  What would that be like?

Cheers to church, carbs and intimacy issues....

The Bible and Broncos

**** I wrote this beautiful, grammatically correct blog and it wasn't saved....so bare with this one...

My brother gave a convicting and compelling sermon today at Legacy Chapel. It was focused on Jacob in Genesis 32. After working years for Labin to obtain his ultimate love Rachel, Jacob (a successful business man) flees his father-in-law estate thinking that he (FIN) would attempt to take everything from Jacob. Then Jacob sends his family away, and while left alone he wrestles with an angel until dawn. (I hate fighting...can you imagining fighting for some-teen hours? ugh)

And as Brant pointed out today...the crazy thing is...during all that time...Jacob deceiving his brother AND dad, then working for his FIN for BOTH daughters and ultimately fleeing into the wilderness...he (Jacob) never ONCE asked God about his decisions. He didn't ask...should I trick my brother into giving me the ownership of the God promise over my family? Should  I work 14 years for a beautiful woman that makes me weep? Should I be afraid of the man that I made millions for? Should I divide my family and send them away so I can "at least have one set?"

He never asked God! Then he's alone, and begins to wrestle with God. After a night of wrestling....the angel figures out he (Jacob) isn't going to give up. How many of us....in our pride and selfishness just don't want to give up. We just don't want to surrender, but God knows our heart. So, the angel touches his hip and Jacob becomes limp. In his place of strength....God touched him...marked him and reminded him (Jacob) that he was NOT God. Jacob finally surrendered....God asked him, "What is your name?"

Jacob answered with his name. Jacob, which means, "held at the heel. Supplanter." And then God said...."you are no longer known as Jacob, you are Israel." God took a determined, disobedient, self-made man and turned him into the father of HIS people, HIS chosen nation.

It's convicting because how many times have I made my own decisions. How many life decisions have I not included God on? AND then....I'm compelled to think..how much easier my life might have been if I had surrendered and just asked God. Just asked! But I guess I'm afraid of what God might say "NO" to? What I think He might not want for me? I guess...because why would I not ask? Then I think...why would Jacob not ask? He was raised in a pre-destined family. His mother knew he was called to great things. His father was a man of destiny...chosen! How did he go about his life and not ask?

But who doesn't have hidden places? Who doesn't wonder if they have been misunderstood? I was convicted today that I have many hidden places...places I hold tightly to...and don't ask God what He thinks. And honestly you might read that..and think....how could you....but really...we all have dark places...we all shelter blind spots...whether that's the way we spend our money, deal with our relationships, entertain excitement, or handle life. Have you asked God into your business decisions? Have you asked God what he wants in your intimate relationships? Have you asked Him what he wants you to replace your habit with now? What if the lifestyle you have been living, isn't the one He wants for you?

Then after that (I know..... how can I go anywhere after that?)...I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with the Legacy team and had an amazing time watching Tebow come back from a crazy start. And while it might be reading into things....is it really to far fetch to compare the situation? Tebow...I'm sure nervous..full of adrenaline and excitement for his first start..makes crazy stupid mistakes...then he settles in. Prays, kneels, makes it obvious he knows it's not just his talent or abilities...and next thing you know...he throws these passes that are on fire and maybe shouldn't be obvious. (and I'm in love)

What if our brokenness means change? What if surrender means transformation? What if God's plan isn't easy but it's the destiny of fulfillment?

cheers...to the Bible and broncos! Oh, and I love Tebow?!?!?!?

The F-ers

Lately, the only things keeping my head above water are my family, friends and...well a little bit of fun! I know that one day I will be eternally grateful for this season, and I can even see the silver lining sometimes (understanding loneliness and vulnerability)...but right now it's just refreshing to have the support and love of my closest relationships....and with them I can blow off some steam. My family has kept me sane (especially ...the loves of my life, my nephews), my friends have kept me afloat and moving forward, and that little bit of fun?...well that has been a life saver. Fun has reminded me of my personality and what helps me breath. Even if it's running in a football field with my nephews as they squeal when Sapulpa (my puppy) chases them. Or like tonight....talking with a friend over wine and sliders.

So, tonight when I met up with my old friend...you know what I realized...that I'm thankful for connection. I'm thankful for brutal honesty and forgiveness...and I'm thankful for not being judged but understood in this season. I found that I couldn't really explain some of the ways I felt, and instead of giving advice I was met with kindness and acceptance. Obviously we all have dark places and blind spots, but to feel and really know that you are forgiven, adored, and wanted...it's deeply healing....especially when those voices point back to Christ. To be allowed to express failure and unloveliness, and be met with experience and authenticity..it's life-giving, it's breath.

Family, friends and fun! Maybe that's the recipe for a heart break to transform into healing. Well then, cheers....here's to the F-ers.

Good Grief

Well my recent reality has been...not to good lately. I don't want this to be a depressing post...but, uh well...it probably will be...lol

Ever heard of the 7 stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance/hope)? We usually experience these stages after a death or extreme loss. The theory was introduced by Kubler-Ross in 1969 in her book "Death and Dying." The idea was that everyone, after experiencing tragic loss such as terminal illness and death, experienced five distinct stages of grieving through their reality. Since then the model has been modified slightly and adapted to include other types of immense loss such as divorce.

In my case...I am definitely in the depression/pain and sorrow stage...and the thing I HATE about that is that all the information out there says it's more important to experience all and go through all the feelings involved in this stage. In fact, they say it's HEALTHY. Motherless goat! Ugh, and because although I want to escape the feelings more than anything I want to do this season correctly (and well)....and sooooo I have felt everything....sadness, depression, pain, hopelessness and fear...then back to sadness. It comes in waves...but the worse is hopelessness.

The silver lining is that I'm a step closer to the final stage - acceptance and hope...but dear Lord are you SERIOUS? It feels as though this stage will never end or that I might not survive it (end up catatonic). However trying to sit and wait through this season I've noticed a few ugly things about myself...one being...it seems in the past in order to go through (or not go through) this stage quickly...I simply move to the next thing. The next degree, next job, next opportunity...looking for a way to distract myself...convinced I'm moving forward but really I running away. This wasn't for every case...but there have definitely been more then I want to actually admit. And in most of those cases I ended up creating more drama for myself...then moving into a place of peace or growth.

I DO find hope in those that have press through this stage and come out on the other side. It's so hard to trust their words. To believe that although it happened for them it could happen for me...but in the words of my brother, "If God did it once He can do it again, and even if He hadn't He could do it anyway...but He has and will." So maybe once I enter into the last stage...I can see a hopeful future?

Here's to....I don't know...Good Grief. Cheers

Beautiful People

Ever been around one of those people that is so beautiful, so lovely you "have" to be next to them? I'm not referring to the supermodels of the world...I'm talking about the individuals that are beautiful from a deeper place. The ones that have such a rich sense of life and depth of faith that you must know them. You must befriend them. You need to know their secret, what they have learned in life. The ones we would willingly buy their knowledge but are just honored they find us worthy of the 30 minutes or even seconds that they bestow their wisdom and attention on us...yet somehow there's not even an ounce of entitlement or superiority.

Well I've met a few of them recently...and I've learned from their stories....that all of them have come out of deep brokenness-addiction, abusive relationships, tragic loss and/or divorce. All of them have not only survived their past but weathered the storms well. They felt the brokenness of rejection, loneliness, disappointment and pain. What I've heard though is most reached out, became vulnerable, sought God and cried themselves to sleep at night. It's true!...and this isn't a pretty picture...this isn't the quick pill of healing I'd love to some how invent but when I'm in their presence all I can think is....I want to know what you know. I want to have what you have. I want to be like YOU! And although I still want to run and hide from my situation..if I can become more like a diamond in the rough and less like a lump of coal...well then it's encouraging to push through the pain and muck.

Don't get me wrong...none of this makes my situation easier...but it does give me a shot of truth serum of sorts. Although the pain is more than i think I can handle at times...maybe one day....I'll be the type of beauty that inspires healing and hope. Healing for those whose hearts are broken beyond expression and hope for a future that can't be yet seen. Can I be that for someone? I don't know...but I guess....I guess I can lean on their experiences to find hope and faith for the future.

Cheers! here's to taking the road less taken....

Lost!

I survived my 2nd anniversary and am now approaching the exciting yet scary holiday season. I remember in grad school going to hay rides and Harvest fest wondering what life would be like in my 30's....lol. I never thought I'd be here BUT there a few things to be grateful for...a HUGE one being my best friends. I'm grateful God gave me my friend Rachael that I could visit on my 2nd anniversary...and that she (and Erik) have the cutest twins which a chubby little distractions that could make anyone's heart melt. And for my freedom day (we renamed it) they took me out for authentic Korean and THEN an indulgent Strawberry cake from the Korean bakery (you read that right folks). All in all because of my friends the day was more of a bittersweet celebration then a tradegy. Which made me think....

I survived my 2nd anniversary because I'm loved. I'm made it this far because I have friends that know my blind spots and dark places but are still in love with me as their friend. I've had to confess some ugly and dark parts of myself lately...due to..well my circumstances and...honestly...while I fully expected (and deserved) a lecture of sorts I actually ended up feeling more accepted and understood then ever. So I wondered do I show this same love to others in my life. For instance with my clients that come with a lot hidden and unlovely...do they feel that I can look past those places and help them find the good. Or what about my friends...what about your friends? If they came to you with a shameful confession or maybe just a really bad day, are you able to deal with it or do you need them to be only good? Do we love the unlovable? Could we love them through the gray?

I've come to realize what I thought I lost, but wasn't real (as a result of looking whole heartedly at my friendships). I lost a friend...I lost the person I became the most vulnerable with in my life...and the lesson I learned...not everyone is okay with my darkest places. I lost immediate and constant companionship but learned that someone being "around" all the time does not mean "being known or wanted." I lost another family that loved me, but I learned love can be conditional when applied to others intimacies. I lost financial security but learned there is such thing as a proverty spirit no matter how much money. I lost my picture, my dream....but somehow in someway I know there has to be a better dream!

I know there's better and more...and one of the reasons I can confidently say that is because of the friends God has given me. Despite myself, the constant has been His presence...even through the voices of my friends. Even more so...when I should be judged...when I should be held to the fire...they (my friends) are gracious, forgiving and desire to know the beat of my heart...to truly understand the reasons behind my decisions...yet not judge me as a result.