Lost!

I survived my 2nd anniversary and am now approaching the exciting yet scary holiday season. I remember in grad school going to hay rides and Harvest fest wondering what life would be like in my 30's....lol. I never thought I'd be here BUT there a few things to be grateful for...a HUGE one being my best friends. I'm grateful God gave me my friend Rachael that I could visit on my 2nd anniversary...and that she (and Erik) have the cutest twins which a chubby little distractions that could make anyone's heart melt. And for my freedom day (we renamed it) they took me out for authentic Korean and THEN an indulgent Strawberry cake from the Korean bakery (you read that right folks). All in all because of my friends the day was more of a bittersweet celebration then a tradegy. Which made me think....

I survived my 2nd anniversary because I'm loved. I'm made it this far because I have friends that know my blind spots and dark places but are still in love with me as their friend. I've had to confess some ugly and dark parts of myself lately...due to..well my circumstances and...honestly...while I fully expected (and deserved) a lecture of sorts I actually ended up feeling more accepted and understood then ever. So I wondered do I show this same love to others in my life. For instance with my clients that come with a lot hidden and unlovely...do they feel that I can look past those places and help them find the good. Or what about my friends...what about your friends? If they came to you with a shameful confession or maybe just a really bad day, are you able to deal with it or do you need them to be only good? Do we love the unlovable? Could we love them through the gray?

I've come to realize what I thought I lost, but wasn't real (as a result of looking whole heartedly at my friendships). I lost a friend...I lost the person I became the most vulnerable with in my life...and the lesson I learned...not everyone is okay with my darkest places. I lost immediate and constant companionship but learned that someone being "around" all the time does not mean "being known or wanted." I lost another family that loved me, but I learned love can be conditional when applied to others intimacies. I lost financial security but learned there is such thing as a proverty spirit no matter how much money. I lost my picture, my dream....but somehow in someway I know there has to be a better dream!

I know there's better and more...and one of the reasons I can confidently say that is because of the friends God has given me. Despite myself, the constant has been His presence...even through the voices of my friends. Even more so...when I should be judged...when I should be held to the fire...they (my friends) are gracious, forgiving and desire to know the beat of my heart...to truly understand the reasons behind my decisions...yet not judge me as a result.