Tomorrow would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary....AND I'm sort of nervous about how I will feel in the manana. There's this fear that I will wake up aching with regret and sadness or that it will pass without a noticable reflection at all. I realize the latter might be the best of both, but at the end of the day I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm ready for more pain, but at the same time...the second anniversary...not sure I want it to not matter.
What I am grateful for is being in DC supported by friends and babies. lol It's a slightly weird dynamic when I realize this could have been me right now...a mom with a little one exchanging baby questions with friends. Just seems weird that I am back in this (single) perdictament. In reality I know I am in the right place and even at peace with my decisions, but there is that sting...the prick of reality that I might not ever have this in my life. I might not ever be a wife or mom, much less a grandma...etc. I'm back in a place that at one time was fun, intimidating and mysterious...but single now...I'm face with such a complicated dilemnia. See...I prayed, believed and remained pure for my marriage. Now I'm afraid to pray for redemption, incredibly inpatient, and well...what do you do with the concept of waiting til I'm married to have "relations" and now I'm no longer a virgin and no longer married. Ummmmmm?
Just praying for guidance and continued peace. Sigh....crazy, complicated and confusing place to be.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Cold weather and crazies
I really think cold weather brings out the crazies. Yesterday it was cold and drizzly (today it's cooler and the sun is starting to set earlier). Not sure what it's like in your neck of the woods, but for some reason in Colorado people act as though they've never seen rain...much less cold weather. And I live in ski country. i get the whole hunkering down and hibernating, but acting as though the world is coming to an end...IDK
Here's what I noticed....
People were cutting each other off on the highway while others were driving almost 20 miles under the speed limit, and I found myself getting angry. Angry at all the guys using the highway as a drag race. Angry at the women driving like turtles as though they could skid off the road any second. Angry at the bullies in sup upped trucks trying to push everyone out of the way. And seriously angry at the young person tailing me (and I'm going over the speed limit)...."Hey 12 year old do you want your parents to pay for my next car?" lol
Then I checked myself...what's the deal? Why am i getting so weirded out. Well....I'm afraid. I'm afraid others don't care about what happens to me (or anyone else around me) they only care about themselves right now. They are more interested in their safety then in mine. Then I thought....what if they are afraid too? What if they are freaking out about everyone else freaking out and it's causing all this stupidity. Wouldn't that apply to so many areas in our lives.
We understand the circumstances around us, but we don't trust anyone else to understand them. So we do things our way...we do things that keep us safe...but it's an illusion of safety. Because speeding down the highway...or cutting people off....or driving so slow it causes others to slam on their brakes...is not safe either. Maybe if in times of fear we act so selfishly that it puts off a vibe that creates panic and fear in others. Ever been around one of those people that are calm during crisis? Their very presence allows us to believe things will be okay. So on the other side of the fence....are you someone that instigates fear or do you encourage peace in others? Do you put people as ease or are you just a stress ball that feeds freakishness. OH, and FYI...have you ever seen a passive driver on the highway during a storm....no! Passivity or a severe case of laid backness doesn't normally have it's way on the highway....does it?!?
Selah~
Here's what I noticed....
People were cutting each other off on the highway while others were driving almost 20 miles under the speed limit, and I found myself getting angry. Angry at all the guys using the highway as a drag race. Angry at the women driving like turtles as though they could skid off the road any second. Angry at the bullies in sup upped trucks trying to push everyone out of the way. And seriously angry at the young person tailing me (and I'm going over the speed limit)...."Hey 12 year old do you want your parents to pay for my next car?" lol
Then I checked myself...what's the deal? Why am i getting so weirded out. Well....I'm afraid. I'm afraid others don't care about what happens to me (or anyone else around me) they only care about themselves right now. They are more interested in their safety then in mine. Then I thought....what if they are afraid too? What if they are freaking out about everyone else freaking out and it's causing all this stupidity. Wouldn't that apply to so many areas in our lives.
We understand the circumstances around us, but we don't trust anyone else to understand them. So we do things our way...we do things that keep us safe...but it's an illusion of safety. Because speeding down the highway...or cutting people off....or driving so slow it causes others to slam on their brakes...is not safe either. Maybe if in times of fear we act so selfishly that it puts off a vibe that creates panic and fear in others. Ever been around one of those people that are calm during crisis? Their very presence allows us to believe things will be okay. So on the other side of the fence....are you someone that instigates fear or do you encourage peace in others? Do you put people as ease or are you just a stress ball that feeds freakishness. OH, and FYI...have you ever seen a passive driver on the highway during a storm....no! Passivity or a severe case of laid backness doesn't normally have it's way on the highway....does it?!?
Selah~
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A sense of adventure
I've been asked, the last couple of days, when my next blog would be posted. It's both flattering and humbling to realize that there are those of you that find my words inspiring and entertaining. Thank you for all your encouragement and support! Seriously...your kind words have spurred me on these last few days. Here are my latest thoughts....
If we live free...if you lived free...what would you do different now then what you have been doing? I've been thinking a lot about this....this word/concept/principle...living "free." Free from fear, condemnation, shame and disappointment. Free from others' judgement and limitations. How would I live differently if I believed I was free?
The other day I was going through my day fighting feelings of shame and guilt. Quoting my scripture, praying my prayers and REALLY trying to talk myself out of the funk that fuzzed my brain and spirit. Then this crazy idea came to my mind (leave it to the HS to do that)....if I'm free...if there's no condemnation for those that believe in Christ...what am I doing right now? I was condemning myself. Living in the same self-judgement and criticism I have submitted myself to for years. So, it occurred to me, if I was free, if I'm not condemned...what would be different? WELL...for one I would look at my mistakes and failings as...lessons...painful ones, hard ones... but the lessons that clearly Jesus saved me from, however, it's my own humanity that has subjected me to. I would not sit and analyze every wrong motive, thought, action and belief that leads into the shame that can bind and create a stronghold....I would accept that I did wrong and move on. I would understand my heart and spirit is motivated to live for Christ, think and act upon that reality and believe what God has said about me!
SO, ironically today....after days of meditating on this...I had a really bad emotional day (of course...leave it to the enemy). A day I actually woke up with a pain so real in my heart to that I bawled while I worked out and...even when I took a shower. BUT THEN I thought....if I was free to feel and let be....what would I be doing differently?
Honestly, I'd feel without fear or abandon. I would realize that growth and development only make me more of the woman God wants me to be. I would dive into the things I love like art, travel, music and love. I would take a pottery class, plan a vacation with friends, sing in the worship team and love my family and friends as though I might die tomorrow. Even more so...I realized...1) I love to plan things. I love parties, get togethers and adventures. Some of the most fulfilling moments in my life were when I took a team to a foreign country, and the experiences there changed their lives forever. The stories I tell to this day cause laughter, tears and inspiration. 2)I also love to get people together that are from every area of my life (church, school, social, work and random). I love creating groups that offer an opportunity for safety and genuine growth. I've loved that I have had friends from all walks of life that attended parties and activites that are meant to connect complete strangers because they trust me.
The other day I was reminded that there are many that don't know where to look for networking or adventure....especially within the realm of safety and Christianity. SO...for the sense of adventure...why not! Why not plan fun activities that allow others to meet and make connection. Why not ask others if they want to go on vacation or a mission trip? Why not take a stranger to lunch or dinner? Why not? The most fun memories and moments of my life were instigated by the sense of adventure. The desire to do something different and out of the ordinary. To know someone I wouldn't normally befriend or even think to know. An action that I would normally be paralyzed by fear to pursue. The sense of adventure...the essence of God's wild nature. WHY NOT!?!?!?! I think the sense of adventure...when motivated and inspired by God..propels us to the edge of life that we could never dream we could go.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - yes, 45 minutes on my treadmill
Do something for someone else - well I helped out family this weekend...love that I can do that
Do something for myself - loved on a client today
Eat well - i think so...calorie conscious at least
Emotional state: happy
High point: Sapulpa "sat" today...it was exciting
Low point: woke up sleepy
Tip of the day: a little bit of chicken broth in homemade tomato sauce...makes ALL the difference
If we live free...if you lived free...what would you do different now then what you have been doing? I've been thinking a lot about this....this word/concept/principle...living "free." Free from fear, condemnation, shame and disappointment. Free from others' judgement and limitations. How would I live differently if I believed I was free?
The other day I was going through my day fighting feelings of shame and guilt. Quoting my scripture, praying my prayers and REALLY trying to talk myself out of the funk that fuzzed my brain and spirit. Then this crazy idea came to my mind (leave it to the HS to do that)....if I'm free...if there's no condemnation for those that believe in Christ...what am I doing right now? I was condemning myself. Living in the same self-judgement and criticism I have submitted myself to for years. So, it occurred to me, if I was free, if I'm not condemned...what would be different? WELL...for one I would look at my mistakes and failings as...lessons...painful ones, hard ones... but the lessons that clearly Jesus saved me from, however, it's my own humanity that has subjected me to. I would not sit and analyze every wrong motive, thought, action and belief that leads into the shame that can bind and create a stronghold....I would accept that I did wrong and move on. I would understand my heart and spirit is motivated to live for Christ, think and act upon that reality and believe what God has said about me!
SO, ironically today....after days of meditating on this...I had a really bad emotional day (of course...leave it to the enemy). A day I actually woke up with a pain so real in my heart to that I bawled while I worked out and...even when I took a shower. BUT THEN I thought....if I was free to feel and let be....what would I be doing differently?
Honestly, I'd feel without fear or abandon. I would realize that growth and development only make me more of the woman God wants me to be. I would dive into the things I love like art, travel, music and love. I would take a pottery class, plan a vacation with friends, sing in the worship team and love my family and friends as though I might die tomorrow. Even more so...I realized...1) I love to plan things. I love parties, get togethers and adventures. Some of the most fulfilling moments in my life were when I took a team to a foreign country, and the experiences there changed their lives forever. The stories I tell to this day cause laughter, tears and inspiration. 2)I also love to get people together that are from every area of my life (church, school, social, work and random). I love creating groups that offer an opportunity for safety and genuine growth. I've loved that I have had friends from all walks of life that attended parties and activites that are meant to connect complete strangers because they trust me.
The other day I was reminded that there are many that don't know where to look for networking or adventure....especially within the realm of safety and Christianity. SO...for the sense of adventure...why not! Why not plan fun activities that allow others to meet and make connection. Why not ask others if they want to go on vacation or a mission trip? Why not take a stranger to lunch or dinner? Why not? The most fun memories and moments of my life were instigated by the sense of adventure. The desire to do something different and out of the ordinary. To know someone I wouldn't normally befriend or even think to know. An action that I would normally be paralyzed by fear to pursue. The sense of adventure...the essence of God's wild nature. WHY NOT!?!?!?! I think the sense of adventure...when motivated and inspired by God..propels us to the edge of life that we could never dream we could go.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - yes, 45 minutes on my treadmill
Do something for someone else - well I helped out family this weekend...love that I can do that
Do something for myself - loved on a client today
Eat well - i think so...calorie conscious at least
Emotional state: happy
High point: Sapulpa "sat" today...it was exciting
Low point: woke up sleepy
Tip of the day: a little bit of chicken broth in homemade tomato sauce...makes ALL the difference
Monday, August 29, 2011
Holy Spirit..old school style
I had an incredible encounter with God last night. The kind that left me electrified to point I was trembling and overwhelmed with emotion. It was a night like the old revivals without the sawdust floors and open air tents. The kinds of services where children and adults alike laugh, bawl, and fall out under the move of God. It was amazing! And I realize I miss that…I miss the power of
God, and even more I miss that feeling of deep satisfaction after experiencing the Holy Spirit. The experience that compels you to look any skeptic in the eye and boldly said, “I don’t care what you call it. The Holy Spirit is real and alive.”
God, and even more I miss that feeling of deep satisfaction after experiencing the Holy Spirit. The experience that compels you to look any skeptic in the eye and boldly said, “I don’t care what you call it. The Holy Spirit is real and alive.”
Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate the way the church has sought balance and seeker friendly services. I like how now we can wear jeans to Sunday services and take coffee INTO the auditorium. And I love how we have welcomed, more and more, the unlovely, the broken and even the hated into our church families. I feel these are vast improvements and have helped cultivate more real and safe environments….but what’s the balance? Have we sacrificed one only to create an imbalance in another?
I can tell you one thing: it took only one encounter, one moment, one touch from God and His power to remind me that I miss the Holy Spirit. Not the chills, the crazy reactions or powerful winds…..the Holy Spirit - His comfort, His peace and His counsel. Have we really become so turned off or intimidated by the workings of the Holy Spirit that we ask Him to sit on the back row and only come when He absolutely has to? Well, again I will say it, I miss Him…and I feel compelled to say we will need the Holy Spirit more in the coming days.
The Holy Spirit is the person of the Trinity that reveals the voice and purpose of God. It’s the Holy Spirit that counsels, leads and convicts us of God’s heart and spirit. And yes, He even gets us closer to God through tangible experiences and manifestations. And I’m sorry but what’s intimidating about that? Have we…or let me take it home….have I become on independent that I can no longer understand the remarkable gift that is the Holy Spirit? Have I become so selfish and intoxicated with this world that no longer require God’s help, instruction or conviction? Have I become so preoccupied with being a creator that I forget I’m the creation?
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - nope....just my ears
Do something for someone else - had a send off for a sweet client
Do something for myself - was able to spend time with a friend
Eat well - ummmm....I think so....wait maybe not...lol
Emotional state: content
High point: bought MAC makeup and had lunch with Amy
Low point: discover my puppy had chewed up two of my blinds
Tip of the day: what we focus on becomes our reality
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 27
Worship - yes
Work out - nope....just my ears
Do something for someone else - had a send off for a sweet client
Do something for myself - was able to spend time with a friend
Eat well - ummmm....I think so....wait maybe not...lol
Emotional state: content
High point: bought MAC makeup and had lunch with Amy
Low point: discover my puppy had chewed up two of my blinds
Tip of the day: what we focus on becomes our reality
Friday, August 26, 2011
wait for it, wait for it.....KISS HER ALREADY!
This week has been emotionally hard for me...and, honestly, I have no idea why. Ever had one of those weeks? In the natural everything seems good and moving forward. Work has been busy, my circle of friends strengthens and grows, and I live in a beautiful state and home near my family. Sooooo what's gives?
Well, I did notice that I had to "wait" on many times this past week...and I can not stand waiting. I don't like waiting for the phone to ring. I don't like waiting for my dog to poop (it seriously takes forever some days). I don't like sitting in my office waiting for my next client. I don't even like waiting for the good parts in movies (KISS HER ALREADY). And I definitely don't like waiting for the future. Wait....waiting for the future? Why does that irritate me?
I wonder if it has to do with my fear of the future, and maybe waiting means (to me) I could be doing something else to help move faster towards the future. (Side note: when I'm saying "future" I'm not thinking of some far way time or land. The actual word appears in my head but it's fuzzy, sparkling and rippling. As though it's some magical, unattainable word, like a carrot being dangled in front of a horse. lol) But WHAT am I trying to move towards? What's the fear?
Sigh! Honestly, my fear is my reality. I am once again single, without a family, trying to make friends and very tired of working on myself so I can be happy and attractive. Ouch! Okay, so based on rereading the previous statement, waiting means to me that I am just sitting back and hoping the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I mean I guess that's what it means to me.
Yikes...so I'm not trusting God. I am not trusting His understanding of my situation, my pain, the state of my heart and desires. Ugh..back to Sunday school for me. Wait, trust, patience, relax....sounds intimidating to me. And what do I do when I'm intimidated? CONTROL! (The plot thickens) So....something happens and I have to wait. I get irritated or restless and attempt to figure out how I could be out doing something else (working out to help me be more attractive or meeting a new friend so I'm less lonely) to move me towards the "future" and away from my reality. Well that's quite a humbling revelation.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - not yet today
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....unless a lot of walking up and down three flights of stairs plus cleaning all day counts.
Do something for someone else - offered to buy the soda and lemonade for the Legacy Chapel BBQ
Do something for myself - taking a night off
Eat well - cooking a healthy version of Beef Stew
Emotional state: humbled and reflective
High point: booked my ticket to DC
Low point: paying bills
Tip of the day: a clean, organized space helps the mind and body relax
Well, I did notice that I had to "wait" on many times this past week...and I can not stand waiting. I don't like waiting for the phone to ring. I don't like waiting for my dog to poop (it seriously takes forever some days). I don't like sitting in my office waiting for my next client. I don't even like waiting for the good parts in movies (KISS HER ALREADY). And I definitely don't like waiting for the future. Wait....waiting for the future? Why does that irritate me?
I wonder if it has to do with my fear of the future, and maybe waiting means (to me) I could be doing something else to help move faster towards the future. (Side note: when I'm saying "future" I'm not thinking of some far way time or land. The actual word appears in my head but it's fuzzy, sparkling and rippling. As though it's some magical, unattainable word, like a carrot being dangled in front of a horse. lol) But WHAT am I trying to move towards? What's the fear?
Sigh! Honestly, my fear is my reality. I am once again single, without a family, trying to make friends and very tired of working on myself so I can be happy and attractive. Ouch! Okay, so based on rereading the previous statement, waiting means to me that I am just sitting back and hoping the fulfillment of my dreams come true. I mean I guess that's what it means to me.
Yikes...so I'm not trusting God. I am not trusting His understanding of my situation, my pain, the state of my heart and desires. Ugh..back to Sunday school for me. Wait, trust, patience, relax....sounds intimidating to me. And what do I do when I'm intimidated? CONTROL! (The plot thickens) So....something happens and I have to wait. I get irritated or restless and attempt to figure out how I could be out doing something else (working out to help me be more attractive or meeting a new friend so I'm less lonely) to move me towards the "future" and away from my reality. Well that's quite a humbling revelation.
Survival Plan
Read my Bible - not yet today
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....unless a lot of walking up and down three flights of stairs plus cleaning all day counts.
Do something for someone else - offered to buy the soda and lemonade for the Legacy Chapel BBQ
Do something for myself - taking a night off
Eat well - cooking a healthy version of Beef Stew
Emotional state: humbled and reflective
High point: booked my ticket to DC
Low point: paying bills
Tip of the day: a clean, organized space helps the mind and body relax
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friends For A Season, Friends for A Reason
Day...oh who knows these days!
A friend once told me "some friends are there for a reason and some are there for a season." Weirdly enough this was a friend that I'm no longer close to, but the truth still sticks...and I thought a lot about it today. I feel blessed, because I've spent the day (in class) and dinner laughing and talking with new friends....friends that could be both.
During the day, I discovered I sat next to Elvis Presley's pastor's son. lol (Try that five times fast.) He's a man well into his 60's that has quite a few interesting stories. Then I had dinner with three new friends, one is which is from China. We had amazing laughs about her adventures in America and mine in China. Such awesome belly laughs and deep, thoughtful moments in both cases. And I couldn't help but think....I'm grateful for friends that are "sometimes just for a season....and who knows the reason"
Honestly, I know that I would not have been able to make it through this without the "friends for a reason." They are the ones that look me in the eyes and tell me the truth and still love me...because they know me and want the best for me and my future. They take my midnight calls and listen to my roller coaster days. I know their daily struggles and the confessions that need grace and understanding. They are my God friends...my heart....my reason (many times) for remembering that I was put on this earth to love and live for others. BUT...it's the friends for the season...that help for all the times in between....almost like anethestic or rather electro shock for who God wants me to be. I can even apply this to my clients (I hate calling them this by the way..it's why you'll hear me refer to them as my girls, or teens, or kids).
I've seen some clients for a while...and they are constant reminders and encouragement. Then there are those clients that are like flashes in the pan. They don't last long, but for some reason or other they remind me to stay sharp, close to the Holy Spirit, and current. They are quick and lively, not always leaving happy or "fixed," but marked (for both of us) nonetheless. And each experience...even if I don't always recall everything it pushed me to be better, want better and know better. Toknow there is higher, deeper, wider places to venture.
So my recent "friends for a season," meaning those that i know are only there for the duration of my class or stint of their internship..I'm reminded...the world is an interesting, diverse, deep and colorful place. I'm reminded God really is in control (I mean how many people sit next to someone that actually knew Elvis Presley). And sometimes, I think, only to remind me that the world is a big place..and destiny can occur in the most unlikely places. AND destiny doesn't have to mean a destination it can be a moment, a memorial that moves us forward...sparking the memory of how God can do anything, at anytime, through anyone.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strenght in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....although my brain is fried
Do something for someone else - paid for dinner for a friend
Do something for myself - took a class to expand my horizones
Eat well - ABSOULTELY
Emotional state: happy
High point: laughed, laughed from my belly
Low point: reality, reality, reality
Tip of the day: mystery is magic
A friend once told me "some friends are there for a reason and some are there for a season." Weirdly enough this was a friend that I'm no longer close to, but the truth still sticks...and I thought a lot about it today. I feel blessed, because I've spent the day (in class) and dinner laughing and talking with new friends....friends that could be both.
During the day, I discovered I sat next to Elvis Presley's pastor's son. lol (Try that five times fast.) He's a man well into his 60's that has quite a few interesting stories. Then I had dinner with three new friends, one is which is from China. We had amazing laughs about her adventures in America and mine in China. Such awesome belly laughs and deep, thoughtful moments in both cases. And I couldn't help but think....I'm grateful for friends that are "sometimes just for a season....and who knows the reason"
Honestly, I know that I would not have been able to make it through this without the "friends for a reason." They are the ones that look me in the eyes and tell me the truth and still love me...because they know me and want the best for me and my future. They take my midnight calls and listen to my roller coaster days. I know their daily struggles and the confessions that need grace and understanding. They are my God friends...my heart....my reason (many times) for remembering that I was put on this earth to love and live for others. BUT...it's the friends for the season...that help for all the times in between....almost like anethestic or rather electro shock for who God wants me to be. I can even apply this to my clients (I hate calling them this by the way..it's why you'll hear me refer to them as my girls, or teens, or kids).
I've seen some clients for a while...and they are constant reminders and encouragement. Then there are those clients that are like flashes in the pan. They don't last long, but for some reason or other they remind me to stay sharp, close to the Holy Spirit, and current. They are quick and lively, not always leaving happy or "fixed," but marked (for both of us) nonetheless. And each experience...even if I don't always recall everything it pushed me to be better, want better and know better. Toknow there is higher, deeper, wider places to venture.
So my recent "friends for a season," meaning those that i know are only there for the duration of my class or stint of their internship..I'm reminded...the world is an interesting, diverse, deep and colorful place. I'm reminded God really is in control (I mean how many people sit next to someone that actually knew Elvis Presley). And sometimes, I think, only to remind me that the world is a big place..and destiny can occur in the most unlikely places. AND destiny doesn't have to mean a destination it can be a moment, a memorial that moves us forward...sparking the memory of how God can do anything, at anytime, through anyone.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"In the day when I cried out,m YOU answered me, and made me bold with strenght in my soul." Psalms 138:3
Worship - ugh i wish I have
Work out - nope....although my brain is fried
Do something for someone else - paid for dinner for a friend
Do something for myself - took a class to expand my horizones
Eat well - ABSOULTELY
Emotional state: happy
High point: laughed, laughed from my belly
Low point: reality, reality, reality
Tip of the day: mystery is magic
Monday, August 15, 2011
Full Moon?
There is beauty in humility, pain in love, sacrifice in giving, and purpose in living!
Is there a full moon? I'm not sure how much of "that stuff" I believe in, but it just seems something is in the air. I had more friends and family tell me about crazy things that have happened to them in the last couple of days then I can remember in a while. A friend's house got robbed, another friend has been trying to help a suicidal neighbor, my brother's family came down with the stomach flu, etc. And unfortunately it was a wake up call for me...."Hey Bone head...you're not the only one going through something right now." Even crazier....the world becomes very small and lifeless when it's all about me. Then when I find out something else (and in this case a lot of somethings) is going on it's a deer caught in the headlight look from me. "You mean the world is still existing without me?" lol I wonder if that's not a huge trap of the enemy?
I'm not trying to invalidate my reality right now (because it's SUCKS)...but I wonder...is this a normal scheme of the devil? We get so obsessed and focused on our own pain that we can not see the forest through the trees? I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned...that when I need help it's okay to rely on others, see the red flags for what they are, trust yourself and friends.....but it's not okay to forget that we are all apart of a bigger picture. Yes, there are seasons for everything...and it's okay to grieve, it's okay to need time to focus on self, and it's okay to even disappear for a time to work through things...It fact it's my time to die (metaphorically speaking) and mourn....BUT when we are eternally minded...how does much of that change? The focus I mean.
I don't want to focus solely on myself. Don't get me wrong...I need the focus to work on a few things that need major tweeking...but focusing only on me causes me to forget the reason I'm alive...to love God and live for others. To further the kingdom and beat the crap out of Satan's plan to diminish the people of God. I think Satan wants us to get preoccupied with ourselves and our mess so that we are so bound we can't aid in the freedom of others. Believe me I KNOW this is easier "typed" then practiced....there are days I don't want to get out of bed much less listen to one of teens talk about their dysfunctional relationships or a friend rehash some daily difficulty...but it's in those moments I have to remember..."I am confident of this..I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13. I must remember...if even one of my teens walks away free and can lead others into freedom....the struggle was worth it. If a friend felt wanted and understood maybe they will be more engaged with their child or husband. This puts me in a place of humility and responsibility. It also allows me a place to openly receive the help I need but also understand that place will be called upon in the future...so learn now...learn deeply and heal fully.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"Psalms 27:13, "I am confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Worship - nope....but I will
Work out - yes 50 minutes...but I just purchased and tried "Turbo Jam" from Beachbody...love it
Do something for someone else - sent a fun card to a friend
Do something for myself - went out with a old college buddy
Eat well - probably not
Emotional state: happy
High point: went tanning and told the tanning salon I won't be renewing my contract...lol
Low point: reality check about my self-absorption lately
Tip of the day: a merry heart, doth good like a medicine...LAUGH
Is there a full moon? I'm not sure how much of "that stuff" I believe in, but it just seems something is in the air. I had more friends and family tell me about crazy things that have happened to them in the last couple of days then I can remember in a while. A friend's house got robbed, another friend has been trying to help a suicidal neighbor, my brother's family came down with the stomach flu, etc. And unfortunately it was a wake up call for me...."Hey Bone head...you're not the only one going through something right now." Even crazier....the world becomes very small and lifeless when it's all about me. Then when I find out something else (and in this case a lot of somethings) is going on it's a deer caught in the headlight look from me. "You mean the world is still existing without me?" lol I wonder if that's not a huge trap of the enemy?
I'm not trying to invalidate my reality right now (because it's SUCKS)...but I wonder...is this a normal scheme of the devil? We get so obsessed and focused on our own pain that we can not see the forest through the trees? I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned...that when I need help it's okay to rely on others, see the red flags for what they are, trust yourself and friends.....but it's not okay to forget that we are all apart of a bigger picture. Yes, there are seasons for everything...and it's okay to grieve, it's okay to need time to focus on self, and it's okay to even disappear for a time to work through things...It fact it's my time to die (metaphorically speaking) and mourn....BUT when we are eternally minded...how does much of that change? The focus I mean.
I don't want to focus solely on myself. Don't get me wrong...I need the focus to work on a few things that need major tweeking...but focusing only on me causes me to forget the reason I'm alive...to love God and live for others. To further the kingdom and beat the crap out of Satan's plan to diminish the people of God. I think Satan wants us to get preoccupied with ourselves and our mess so that we are so bound we can't aid in the freedom of others. Believe me I KNOW this is easier "typed" then practiced....there are days I don't want to get out of bed much less listen to one of teens talk about their dysfunctional relationships or a friend rehash some daily difficulty...but it's in those moments I have to remember..."I am confident of this..I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13. I must remember...if even one of my teens walks away free and can lead others into freedom....the struggle was worth it. If a friend felt wanted and understood maybe they will be more engaged with their child or husband. This puts me in a place of humility and responsibility. It also allows me a place to openly receive the help I need but also understand that place will be called upon in the future...so learn now...learn deeply and heal fully.
My Survival Plan
Read my Bible - Psalms 34 and 37
"Psalms 27:13, "I am confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Worship - nope....but I will
Work out - yes 50 minutes...but I just purchased and tried "Turbo Jam" from Beachbody...love it
Do something for someone else - sent a fun card to a friend
Do something for myself - went out with a old college buddy
Eat well - probably not
Emotional state: happy
High point: went tanning and told the tanning salon I won't be renewing my contract...lol
Low point: reality check about my self-absorption lately
Tip of the day: a merry heart, doth good like a medicine...LAUGH
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