Day Sixteen:
Today.....today I am grateful for my friends and those that have willingly come along side me. I covet their prayers, encouraging words and special gifts. One of the scariest parts of getting divorce is the fear of what others might think and who might leave your life....and the loneliness that will certainly accompany that reality. The loneliness definitely happens, it's almost always present, but I'm so grateful that my friends have not left and even more so, have been such a source of comfort and support. I realize many of them might not even agree with my decision, but they have still remained by my side. It's still embarrassing, it's still painful and it's definitely hard, but the prayers and support I have received has been priceless.....and my survivial.
An amazing example of this kind of encouragement happened last night from an unlikely source. One of my girls from Mercy sent me a scripture that hit home and made me tear up with gratitude. Psalms 71:20-21 "You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to greater honor than before and comfort me once again." Isn't that beautiful? It's difficult for me to believe right now, but just reading it out loud helps me feel hopeful.
Recently, I have noticed that I'm grieving the picture in my heart. The one that was buried so deep I barely knew it as there. It's the picture of me smiling (looking super thin, tan and beautiful...lol) next to my handsome husband who is holding our daugther while surrounded by Christmas lights and holly. Pride makes me want to laugh at myself and deny that this image ever exists, but truth knows it does....and that makes me sad....and that makes me feel I really missed out. But I've realized lately that my friends have help me to come up with a new picture, a new dream.
It's really, really difficult to even try to think past tomorrow, but leaning on my friends faith and belief has actually helped me to believe it too. I think there's something to being vulnerable with your true feelings and allow the people who love you to speak into that vulnerability. Many times it seems as though its their faith that interjects truth into the lies and unbelief I struggle with everyday. I hate that I have to release my picture, but I know there will be another one (someday) even if I have to lean on my friends' beliefs that it can happen.
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 15:1-16:20, Acts 19:13-41, Psalm 147:1-20, Proverbs 18:4-5
Psalm 147:2, "The LORD is rebuilding Jerusalem and bringing the exiles back to Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. "
Worship - not yet
Work out - nope, but my ears got a workout today.
Do something for someone else - sent a card to a friend
Do something special for myself - took myself to the doctor
Cook - cheese and broccoli rice
Emotional state: excited
High point: therapy
Low point: it's raining
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Safe People
Day Fourteen:
There's a book called "Safe People" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend that I have many of my teens read, especially if they are dealing with boundary issues or a lack of awareness about what makes someone a safe friend. It's amazing how quickly we can turn our eyes from the red flags of unsafe people yet blink surprisingly when they end up hurting us. With that said....
I recently assigned "Safe People" to one of my teens. Through a lot of exploration we discovered that she does not feel as though she can say no to anyone especially guys. This has been a hard and painful process for her, but through all the pain she has blossomed in a way I can not even describe. She surprised me with her insights on the assigned reading due today. It was actually one of those moments where I felt as though the tables were turned...I was the student and she was the teacher.
The parable of the tax collector and the pharisee, used by Cloud and Townsend, as an example of someone willing to be submitted to rebuke, challenge and change, caught her attention. She said, "It's amazing how one person, the religious guy, only wanted to point out how he didn't mess up, but the tax guy totally said how he messed up and was rewarded by God for that." In her opinion it felt safer to pretend to be perfect, but never quite felt right when she hid behind the mask of perfection. Yet latelyn as she has become more and more vulnerable about her weaknesses, and felt unbelievably scared of others opinions of her, yet, in her words, "I feel more free to be me. I feel more like myself again."
Being real, being vulnerable allows us to be free. I do understand the complexity of that reality, but in the end, it's the mask of perfection that hides the most secrets. Unveiling what is hidden, while scary, allows our shame and disgrace to air out...to lose it's power over our emotions and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I realize it's important to understand who is safe and who is unsafe (thus the book "Safe People" as an assignment), but truly there's nothing like the freedom to be oneself especially when dealing with heartache and disappointment.
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 13:1-14:29, Acts 18:23-19:12, Psalm 146:1-10, Proverbs 18:2-3
Psalm 146:2, "I will praise the LORD as long as I live. I will sing praise to my GOD with my dying breath."
Worship - not yet
Work out - 40 minutes
Do something for someone else - encouraged one of my teens to look outside of the negative statements others have spoken over him. "Decide who you will be." I'm not sure I've ever seen someone smile so big leaving my office. Tearful face. OH, and got my brother an amazing bday present. SUPER excited
Do something special for myself - nothing as of yet.
Cook - nope, unless Lean Cuisine counts.
Emotional state: peaceful
High point: feeling as though I truly helped someone today
Low point: came home to a dead plant.
There's a book called "Safe People" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend that I have many of my teens read, especially if they are dealing with boundary issues or a lack of awareness about what makes someone a safe friend. It's amazing how quickly we can turn our eyes from the red flags of unsafe people yet blink surprisingly when they end up hurting us. With that said....
I recently assigned "Safe People" to one of my teens. Through a lot of exploration we discovered that she does not feel as though she can say no to anyone especially guys. This has been a hard and painful process for her, but through all the pain she has blossomed in a way I can not even describe. She surprised me with her insights on the assigned reading due today. It was actually one of those moments where I felt as though the tables were turned...I was the student and she was the teacher.
The parable of the tax collector and the pharisee, used by Cloud and Townsend, as an example of someone willing to be submitted to rebuke, challenge and change, caught her attention. She said, "It's amazing how one person, the religious guy, only wanted to point out how he didn't mess up, but the tax guy totally said how he messed up and was rewarded by God for that." In her opinion it felt safer to pretend to be perfect, but never quite felt right when she hid behind the mask of perfection. Yet latelyn as she has become more and more vulnerable about her weaknesses, and felt unbelievably scared of others opinions of her, yet, in her words, "I feel more free to be me. I feel more like myself again."
Being real, being vulnerable allows us to be free. I do understand the complexity of that reality, but in the end, it's the mask of perfection that hides the most secrets. Unveiling what is hidden, while scary, allows our shame and disgrace to air out...to lose it's power over our emotions and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I realize it's important to understand who is safe and who is unsafe (thus the book "Safe People" as an assignment), but truly there's nothing like the freedom to be oneself especially when dealing with heartache and disappointment.
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 13:1-14:29, Acts 18:23-19:12, Psalm 146:1-10, Proverbs 18:2-3
Psalm 146:2, "I will praise the LORD as long as I live. I will sing praise to my GOD with my dying breath."
Worship - not yet
Work out - 40 minutes
Do something for someone else - encouraged one of my teens to look outside of the negative statements others have spoken over him. "Decide who you will be." I'm not sure I've ever seen someone smile so big leaving my office. Tearful face. OH, and got my brother an amazing bday present. SUPER excited
Do something special for myself - nothing as of yet.
Cook - nope, unless Lean Cuisine counts.
Emotional state: peaceful
High point: feeling as though I truly helped someone today
Low point: came home to a dead plant.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Judged
Day Thirteen:
Lately, judgement has been ever present in my forethought. It seems everyone, everywhere has an opinion or thought about my "current situation." But hardest part of all is the realization of how much I have judged myself. For instance, my most recent thoughts include "how could you not see this coming," "what's wrong with you," "this has to be your fault." The funnier side of my judgement towards myself involves looking down at my ring finger, freaking for a second because I don't see my beautiful engagement ring, and then for a split second think, "Brooke, you dummy you forgot your ring." Then I quickly remember and think, "Brooke don't be so stupid, remember what's going on!" lol The judgement never ends.
The other side of judging includes the number of times I have past judgement on my friends, family members and even the occasional perfect stranger without even realizing what I was doing. As though I'm God, as though I have an idea of the struggle they are going through or the reasoning for arriving to their decisions. Everyone has reasons and everyones' struggle is different. I, now, realize it's never my place to decide what they should have or shouldn't have done...what was the Godly choice and what wasn't. The craziest thing about even thinking that way, is 10 times out of 10 I don't even know all the details. I have no idea what's going on behind close doors, in the thoughts of others or the Oh that's the worse part, playing God.
Who am I to ever sit in the judgement seat. God speaks very strongly about what will happen to those that judge others. When I reflect back on my situation and think about all the reasons, and some just plain emotional, that lead me to my decision there's nothing but murky waters, hard struggles and gray areas. There is no black and white, right and wrong. I'm not saying that God doesn't have absolute, because He absolutely does, but to decide how He would look at me through my divorce is both unfair for me to decide and thus unfair for anyone else to decide.
I know that God hates divorce. I, also, know that He's near those that are going through heartbreak. He comforts those in need. So if He, the God of the universe and our lives, can comfort and be near those that have even willingly walked towards pain, who are we to ever decide what's best!
I am incredibly regretful for those that I have ever judged or thought I knew best. My heart is softened towards those heartbroken and unlovely. But most of all, I'm no longer going to sit in the seat of judgement over my own life. I love that I don't have the responsibility for deciding what is ultimately seen right or wrong in the eyes of God.
PS...regardless of everything I've said above...I think Bentley is a horrible person! Cheers!
Lately, judgement has been ever present in my forethought. It seems everyone, everywhere has an opinion or thought about my "current situation." But hardest part of all is the realization of how much I have judged myself. For instance, my most recent thoughts include "how could you not see this coming," "what's wrong with you," "this has to be your fault." The funnier side of my judgement towards myself involves looking down at my ring finger, freaking for a second because I don't see my beautiful engagement ring, and then for a split second think, "Brooke, you dummy you forgot your ring." Then I quickly remember and think, "Brooke don't be so stupid, remember what's going on!" lol The judgement never ends.
The other side of judging includes the number of times I have past judgement on my friends, family members and even the occasional perfect stranger without even realizing what I was doing. As though I'm God, as though I have an idea of the struggle they are going through or the reasoning for arriving to their decisions. Everyone has reasons and everyones' struggle is different. I, now, realize it's never my place to decide what they should have or shouldn't have done...what was the Godly choice and what wasn't. The craziest thing about even thinking that way, is 10 times out of 10 I don't even know all the details. I have no idea what's going on behind close doors, in the thoughts of others or the Oh that's the worse part, playing God.
Who am I to ever sit in the judgement seat. God speaks very strongly about what will happen to those that judge others. When I reflect back on my situation and think about all the reasons, and some just plain emotional, that lead me to my decision there's nothing but murky waters, hard struggles and gray areas. There is no black and white, right and wrong. I'm not saying that God doesn't have absolute, because He absolutely does, but to decide how He would look at me through my divorce is both unfair for me to decide and thus unfair for anyone else to decide.
I know that God hates divorce. I, also, know that He's near those that are going through heartbreak. He comforts those in need. So if He, the God of the universe and our lives, can comfort and be near those that have even willingly walked towards pain, who are we to ever decide what's best!
I am incredibly regretful for those that I have ever judged or thought I knew best. My heart is softened towards those heartbroken and unlovely. But most of all, I'm no longer going to sit in the seat of judgement over my own life. I love that I don't have the responsibility for deciding what is ultimately seen right or wrong in the eyes of God.
PS...regardless of everything I've said above...I think Bentley is a horrible person! Cheers!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
No one ever told me....
sooooo.....i am attempting to write this blog from my new phone. although i have joined the ranks of modern technology, i can not for the life of me figure out how to captialize or puncuate anything. anywho....
no one ever told me this divorce stuff will hurt like hell. to be honest i might not understood or believe them, but now i know. even after a very brief convo with the ex i hung out with tears streaming down my face and what felt like the biggest hole in my heart. it was not him bascially making me out to be a monster or that he filled me in on his new updated life. but that he did not seem to miss me at all. it seemed in his mind i caused all the hurt and uproar. That I am the problem and need help, and while I can honestly say there are things that need to change in me, but how is one person responsible for a two person marriage.
No one told me that I would have conflicting emotions. My love for my ex still exists it's just clouded by everything else. And no one told me that when everyone says to release him there's a sting right in the middle of my heart. And no one told me that would still want the best for him even if that means at my own expense....and how crappy that feels.
Survival Plan:
Day Eleven:
Read my Bible: 2Kings 8:1-9:13, Acts 16:16-40, Psalm 143:1-12, Proverbs 17:26
Psalm 148:4-11, "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, LORD, and answer me for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk for I give myself to you."
Worship: not yet
Exercise: LOTS of swimming and sunbathing
Something special for some yes: cooked dinner for my mom last night. Tomato sauce from scratch.
Something special for myself: took a nice, bubble bath
Highpoint: floating in the pool
Lowpoint: crying myself to sleep after a convo
no one ever told me this divorce stuff will hurt like hell. to be honest i might not understood or believe them, but now i know. even after a very brief convo with the ex i hung out with tears streaming down my face and what felt like the biggest hole in my heart. it was not him bascially making me out to be a monster or that he filled me in on his new updated life. but that he did not seem to miss me at all. it seemed in his mind i caused all the hurt and uproar. That I am the problem and need help, and while I can honestly say there are things that need to change in me, but how is one person responsible for a two person marriage.
No one told me that I would have conflicting emotions. My love for my ex still exists it's just clouded by everything else. And no one told me that when everyone says to release him there's a sting right in the middle of my heart. And no one told me that would still want the best for him even if that means at my own expense....and how crappy that feels.
Survival Plan:
Day Eleven:
Read my Bible: 2Kings 8:1-9:13, Acts 16:16-40, Psalm 143:1-12, Proverbs 17:26
Psalm 148:4-11, "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, LORD, and answer me for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk for I give myself to you."
Worship: not yet
Exercise: LOTS of swimming and sunbathing
Something special for some yes: cooked dinner for my mom last night. Tomato sauce from scratch.
Something special for myself: took a nice, bubble bath
Highpoint: floating in the pool
Lowpoint: crying myself to sleep after a convo
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The longest day of the year
Day Nine:
Today was the longest day of the year, and not because...well it literally WAS the longest day of the year, but because I had so, so much going on. It wasn't until I was reminded by my mother that I am in control of what I say yes to, what I think can wait and what I can say no to that it occurred to me I can determine how my day turned out.
This reminder helped me choose to focus on my teens that need my help AND have dinner with a friend; wait on the papers that can are sitting in my mailbox, and say no to the extra errands that only added stress for no real good reason. Not only did I find a sense of peace, but also had a great (although exhausting) day. So grateful for a mother with tremendous wisdom.
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 3:1-4:17, Acts 14:8-28, Psalm 140:1-13, Proverbs 17:22
Proverbs 17:22, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength."
Worship - Yes
Work out - nope....climbed a lot of stairs...does that count?
Do something for someone else - ugh, guess I didn't do much for someone else outside of helping my teens day. That and I didn't flip off the guy that likes to play race cars on the highway.
Do something special for myself - had dinner with an old friend! Yum, yum!
Cook - nope, but had a home cooked meal curiousity of Jess.
Emotional state: grateful
High point: slept in
Low point: long, very long day
Today was the longest day of the year, and not because...well it literally WAS the longest day of the year, but because I had so, so much going on. It wasn't until I was reminded by my mother that I am in control of what I say yes to, what I think can wait and what I can say no to that it occurred to me I can determine how my day turned out.
This reminder helped me choose to focus on my teens that need my help AND have dinner with a friend; wait on the papers that can are sitting in my mailbox, and say no to the extra errands that only added stress for no real good reason. Not only did I find a sense of peace, but also had a great (although exhausting) day. So grateful for a mother with tremendous wisdom.
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 3:1-4:17, Acts 14:8-28, Psalm 140:1-13, Proverbs 17:22
Proverbs 17:22, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength."
Worship - Yes
Work out - nope....climbed a lot of stairs...does that count?
Do something for someone else - ugh, guess I didn't do much for someone else outside of helping my teens day. That and I didn't flip off the guy that likes to play race cars on the highway.
Do something special for myself - had dinner with an old friend! Yum, yum!
Cook - nope, but had a home cooked meal curiousity of Jess.
Emotional state: grateful
High point: slept in
Low point: long, very long day
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
How do I love correctly?
Day Eight:
How do I love correctly when my heart is breaking? Such conflicting emotions. Such hard decisions to make. Everyday seems to be rough waters and even though I haven't been drowning for to long... but it feels long enough. It feels almost impossible to be the Godly woman I know I am (and want to be) when I feel like I'm buried in anger and confusion.
How do I love correctly when it seems that friends find it hard to understand this process and want me to act like my old self. Or when I get conflicting opinions about my actions? I love my friends and I want them to be happy and fulfilled, to never go through this darkness. With that said, I'm also grateful for the friends and family that have been a strong support system to me. Am I loving them correctly though?
How do I love correctly when I just want to be so selfish? It's difficult to not be selfish right now, to not want to focus just on me even though I know how many hurt right now. Not to mention that I know my ex is just as vulnerable and broken as I am, so I phase in and out of guilt, anger, shame and peace when I think I could care less about his pain....but I know I do care, and will probably always hope the best for him. How do I love correctly through this?
Daily Survival Plan:
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 1:1-2:25, Acts 13:42-14:7, Psalm 139:1-24, Proverbs 17:19-21
Psalms 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
Worship - prayed, prayed, prayed, and will listen to worship music tonight
Work out - nope, planning to go in the morning (we'll see how that goes)
Do something for someone else - well I'm hoping I helped one of my teens discover a root issue...she seemed to be get it! But you just never know...lol
Do something special for myself - downloaded a new book to my Kindle
Cook - nope, bought dinner from Whole Foods
Emotional state: frustrated
High point: texts of encouragement from a friend and packing for my trip to Tejas!
Low point: had a conversation with a love one that just left me confused and frustrated.
How do I love correctly when my heart is breaking? Such conflicting emotions. Such hard decisions to make. Everyday seems to be rough waters and even though I haven't been drowning for to long... but it feels long enough. It feels almost impossible to be the Godly woman I know I am (and want to be) when I feel like I'm buried in anger and confusion.
How do I love correctly when it seems that friends find it hard to understand this process and want me to act like my old self. Or when I get conflicting opinions about my actions? I love my friends and I want them to be happy and fulfilled, to never go through this darkness. With that said, I'm also grateful for the friends and family that have been a strong support system to me. Am I loving them correctly though?
How do I love correctly when I just want to be so selfish? It's difficult to not be selfish right now, to not want to focus just on me even though I know how many hurt right now. Not to mention that I know my ex is just as vulnerable and broken as I am, so I phase in and out of guilt, anger, shame and peace when I think I could care less about his pain....but I know I do care, and will probably always hope the best for him. How do I love correctly through this?
Daily Survival Plan:
Read my Bible - 2 Kings 1:1-2:25, Acts 13:42-14:7, Psalm 139:1-24, Proverbs 17:19-21
Psalms 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends You, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
Worship - prayed, prayed, prayed, and will listen to worship music tonight
Work out - nope, planning to go in the morning (we'll see how that goes)
Do something for someone else - well I'm hoping I helped one of my teens discover a root issue...she seemed to be get it! But you just never know...lol
Do something special for myself - downloaded a new book to my Kindle
Cook - nope, bought dinner from Whole Foods
Emotional state: frustrated
High point: texts of encouragement from a friend and packing for my trip to Tejas!
Low point: had a conversation with a love one that just left me confused and frustrated.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Day Seven
Day Seven:
Basically I'm trying to create a plan for helping me to get through this time. I'm calling it my survival plan. It seems lately focus (where my attention is) is everything for me. Obviously, I realize it's important to process through all my emotions and heal, but where should the majority of my focus be...down in the dumps and sad all the time or trying to work on creating better habits that aid in confidence and healing? You be the judge!
Daily:
Read my Bible - 1 King 22:1-53, Acts 13:16-41, Psalm 138:1-8, Proverbs 17:17-18
Psalms 138:7-8, "Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The LORD will work out His plans for my life - for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for You made me."
Worship - haven't yet
Work out - 50 minutes
Do something for someone else - sent encouragement and praise to a friend.
Do something special for myself - bought jelly beans
Cook - dinner, fish tacos
Emotional state: grateful and focused
High point: belly laughed a few times today.
Low point: I thought I might have given my brother a heart attack when I told him I was making a doctors appointment to refill my birth control. lol After explaining that I'm losing my insurance at the end of the month and I wanted to get everything in order. Who knows when I'll have insurance again.
Basically I'm trying to create a plan for helping me to get through this time. I'm calling it my survival plan. It seems lately focus (where my attention is) is everything for me. Obviously, I realize it's important to process through all my emotions and heal, but where should the majority of my focus be...down in the dumps and sad all the time or trying to work on creating better habits that aid in confidence and healing? You be the judge!
Daily:
Read my Bible - 1 King 22:1-53, Acts 13:16-41, Psalm 138:1-8, Proverbs 17:17-18
Psalms 138:7-8, "Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The LORD will work out His plans for my life - for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for You made me."
Worship - haven't yet
Work out - 50 minutes
Do something for someone else - sent encouragement and praise to a friend.
Do something special for myself - bought jelly beans
Cook - dinner, fish tacos
Emotional state: grateful and focused
High point: belly laughed a few times today.
Low point: I thought I might have given my brother a heart attack when I told him I was making a doctors appointment to refill my birth control. lol After explaining that I'm losing my insurance at the end of the month and I wanted to get everything in order. Who knows when I'll have insurance again.
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