I Will LIVE For Them!

After reflecting on so much LIFE....I asked myself....how do others see me? Whats interesting but also solidifies so much of what I believe (our focus...what we seek...we will find) is that I would be a very different person if I really knew or understood the way others see me.

I remember that once in college a friend told me....an unspoken compliment is a wasted thought....so I feel as though I have cheated and been cheated out of so many thoughts. Dont know...but I do  know that in hard, dark times, and in great, memorable moments it is incredibly easy to get self absorbed. To only feel, want, like, need what is good for ourselves....and in those moments we can forget! We can forget what we mean to others....who we are to others. We can lose sight that our lives are but vapors and God has chosen us for such a time as THIS (I know I sound all TBN...but it is true).

For me...it is painful to admit that I have forgotten that I have friends, clients, family all over America (and the world for that matter) that depend and want my advice. I have nephews and friends that have not seen my face in months (for so many reasons...some I havent been able to control) but still talk about me and wonder whats going on. I also have the on the skirts, out of the fringes people (not quite friend...not quite client...not quite acquaintance but still important)  that like my blog, or facebook status...or even contact me via text once in a blue moon.

This is not a self-absorbed...look at me blog...although I just reread my blog  and rolled my eyes...lol....I have remembered that we live so much life and impact (good or bad) so many people...and that (at least for me) when we get into a rut....a hard place or even just a SUPER busy time we can not get to place that people aren't apart of the equation.

We ARE relationship...and I write this for the broken hearted, the really busy, the ones that can get so lost into their own worlds that they forget that their world impacts others .or needs them.  Dont get me wrong....I started this blog because I was getting a divorce and through the past two years I have been happy, frustrated, feeling loved, feeling hopeful, sad, present, on time, devastated, not good enough, lonely, angry, and gone...but none of those feelings and reality change that when I get a text or message that says I am so glad you are there (here) and I dont know what i would have done without you it has to change from a ME to I will LIVE for THEM!!!

Cambodia...and the lessons a parasite taught me.

I know it has been forever since I have posted anything, but a creative bug (my parasite buddy) has made me rather self-reflective lately....for many reasons.

One reason is that I have not been able to do much other then work and sleep (and think). Another reason is that all that downtime (and cabin fever) has caused me to really adjust my perspective and what I value in life. And lastly, I feel like I owe God! For all the anger and frustration I spewed at Him after returning from Cambodia and being sick....He actually had more of a plan then my narrow understanding allowed for.

Okay so quick back story for those of you who do not know what happened. About five days or so into my Cambodian trip I got really, REALLY sick. My old Teen Mania buddies would refer to it as the Big D...but it ended up being a lot more then that. I literally did not leave, could not leave the hotel for three days....and the frustration set in. Why in the world would God bring me clear across the world to only end up living in my hotel room. I missed the prayer walk...I missed the village day...I missed a lot!!! Course at the time I didn't have much energy to formulate to much thinking...but once I began to feel a bit better all I could do is see was intense frustration and then have an all out cry fest. (I know...woe is me! lol) I later found out I had a parasite. 

On the fourth day...I began to feel better and things began to change (but it was only later I found out that the change was for the good). Since I could leave my room for more then 10 minutes without running back to the bathroom in desperation I decided I wanted to join the team. Well i did it..but I had to take a LOT of breaks...and at one point I laid down...and ended up passing out.  During one of the breaks, I began to cry...so frustrated that I was sick...and a few women from my team came to pray over me. One of the words I received was that God had put me on my back on purpose. He wanted to talk to me....He knows I can DO things but He wanted to BE with me...and wanted me to go deeper, be an intercessor for Him..for the team.  Some might thing...WELL see there God did have something for you....but for my personality prayer feels like doing a lot of nothing when there is painting, cleaning and actual work to be done. Oh how wrong can one little lady be?!?!?!

After I returned home I was feeling better but quickly relapsed...and from that point I got really angry with God. I couldn't work, I couldn't leave my house....I basically disappeared from life. Confused, fighting depression, unhealthy I would lay in my bed and just cry...I have traveled all of the world and have NEVER gotten sick. And I knew (know) that God told me to go to Cambodia...I didn't have to raise a finger to raise the money....it was effortless. So why? What was the point if I was only going to end up sick and miss some of the trip...and now missing work, and not seeing my family or friends. What the madness? It doesn't make sense? Ever felt that way?

Slowly (what actually felt...v....e.....r....y.....S....L....O....W) I have gotten better....and since that slow climb back out of the dark hole I have noticed my perspective on a few things have changed. For one...I value my health like never before. You don't know how bad you feel till you start to feel good again. To me in those moments of desperation, loneliness and frustration I begged...I pleaded with God to heal me. You know the whole.....God I promise to do this if you do this...lol...silly I know but in those moments I would h ave done anything. Since, I have been aware of my PHYSICAL HEALTH (you will start to see a theme).

Another perspective shift is the importance of my friends and family. Its not that I feel as though I was taking advantage of either, but I am not sure I was as grateful for them as I am now. In Cambodia my United Womens team was one of the most special things to me about the trip. We were so unified and focused on supporting each other...that when I came back and could not go to church or to any of the outings that were planned...I felt robbed. Why God did You allow me to fall in love with these women only to have me get sick and lose touch (geez how narcissistic can one person sound?..whine, whine, whine) But that wasn't entirely true...during that time...I had friends and family (my amazing mother) that would come over at all hours of the day AND night to bring me Gas-X, Campbells soup, Gatorade, lecture me about not going to the doctor, etc. So coming out of my stupor I realized how blessed I am to have people that care...even care enough to tell me to suck it up and stop being a whiny baby.    lol No joke. Realizing the shift in EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Lastly, through all of this I have seen how God broke some things in my life and reignited a passion for Him.  He broke some unhealthy dependencies, altered a few negative thinking patterns, and really changed my focus from myself (I can do things on my own) to focusing on Him. Honestly for months I have struggled with how to get my passion/love/zeal for God back. The start of the trip really kicked things into gear...being around such Godly, amazing women...but honestly the digging and going deeper happened when I was by myself, praying....listening to worship....reflecting on the last two years. Realizing I need a desperate shift in my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. God convicted my selfish focus and unrealistic expectations for myself....and thus a crazy, perpetual cycle that had my focus fixated on what I didn't have verses what God has blessed me with.

So as you can see...HEALTH...physical, emotional and spiritual health...three HUGE areas that I truly feel have been effected by 6 weeks with my gut buddy parasite. It might be obvious...and/or it might not be what we want to see in the moment...but God can and will use some of the most trying of times to change the deepest parts of ourselves.

A Year Ago Today...well almost

Tomorrow, will be a year since, what I thought would be, my life forever and permanently changed.....well at least...legally.  CRAZY!!!

In this past year I have seen, experienced, loved, lost, and moved on from many things. I have traveled a bit, met a lot of people, lost a few friends, moved in and out of one hellish roommate situation, moved into a good situation, had a birthday, changed my hair color, forgot to exercise (for way to long), helped start my church, fell in love with my nephews, welcomed my parents back home, witnessed my friends having more babies, possibly found love again, leaned heavily on family and friends, made a lot of calls (some good, some bad), absorbed a lot of wisdom, did some really dumb (fun) things, listened to a lot of country, watched WAY to many movies, gone on auntie dates, and hopefully helped a few people along the way...none of which happened in that order. Ohhhh and lets definitely not forget I prayed, prayed, prayed, worshiped a lot and prayed some more. And I remembered!!!

I remember that there were moments when I thought I could not breath. I remember thoughts of being judged and misunderstood by family and friends. I remember hours of phone calls crying til I could not bring myself to cry another tear. I remember spaces of time that felt as though I would never recover, never laugh again, never love again. I remember hearing so many words of wisdom and advice. I remember hearing whispers of what others thought I was or was not doing. And I remember many trips to friends and my parents (when they were in TX) homes that brought both reality and life to me. THEN....then...there were pockets of time where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be okay. I knew that God had rescued me somehow, that I would somehow someday find my way back...be happy again... could.believe I had a future and hope.

Well I am not sure I found my way back, per se, but like a different way, a new way to look at life. In reflection, it seemed I never really followed my heart when it came to love and relationships. In career, location, friendships, school, travel...I absolutely followed my heart, I clung to what I felt God was telling me, but when it came to matters of the heart...somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my heart and ability to hear Gods voice and allowed others to tell me what was best, right for me. I somehow avoided the truth God said about me, and what He wanted for my life, and clung to the idea that I was not worthy of true love, and would never truly be loved for who I am. WHY because I believed I was to much, to inconsistent, to opinionated, to flaky, to ugly, to fat, to average....just to....blah blah.

In no way am I trying to promote a humanistic way of thinking, but I truly do think in this last year I have learned to value my heart, my passions, and my life. God rules all of it, but it is amazing to reflect and realize how much I compromised because I just did not want to be wrong. I did not want to be overlooked. I did not want to be lonely or even worse avoided because perhaps my life did not line up with others plans for me. I know, I know...this sounds all Oprah-ish, but the last year for me, with all its hardships, sleepless nights, joyful moments and amazing encounters...I learned one thing....be true to myself...listen to my heart....for only I know what God is speaking to me, and what my heart honestly wants for my life.

a dog and his vomit

I've been thinking a lot about what living a life of purpose looks like, and somewhere between my Bible, honest conversation/prayer and Oprah's magazine I've started to wonder what HAVE I been doing with my life?!?! Don't get me wrong...I love my life. I have a job I am passionate about, friends I admire and depend on, amazing family I actually enjoy being around...  and now recently added...an apartment (and roommate) that I adore...yet....YET there seems a longing for more...or maybe it's something missing? Or maybe it's just God's stirring...and like so many times before I've been restless without any clarity of "why".

In reflection of times similar to this, I would normally start to look into language classes, missions trips, new hobbies, something new to medicate the stirring or longing. And well honestly I'm doing that even know...because I do find the value in creating a life worth living...but after all the lessons I've learned...I'm trying my hardest to just sit and listen...sit and WAIT...sit and go through it.

Here's what I find interesting in this season...or phase...or transition...whatever you want to call it. When I feel this restlessness, this stirring...almost like a urning...I WANT IT TO STOP. I'm more likely to try to jump over it, medicate it, at least do something to help it fade somewhat rather then press in and hear God....but even worse then all that...I find I fight reaching back to the past. Past activities, things, people to find some sort of comfort, some sense of security. As though the past (that I've left behind for good reason) is going to help somehow stabilize my feelings and fear enough to move struggle free into the future? I'm tempted because I'm scared that the future won't feel as real as the past? Well....maybe? But mostly it's because i'm concerned the stirring and restlessness isn't authentic and that it's so vague and uncertain that I can't trust it...or rather I don't know if I want to trust it...TRUST that God is moving me into the direction of a new thing...a better thing...something HE has destined for me.

....And then the images start...I think about Peter (2 Peter 2:22) reflecting on Proverbs, "Of them the proverbs are true: "A dog returns to its vomit," and, "A sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud." It kind of makes me laugh...because I can actually see my puppy going back to her yuckiness and thinking..."well it was originally good, right?" Course we think, just picturing it,...gross...disgusting...I feel nauseous...BUT seriously how often do we do that? Reaching back to past relationships, past behaviors, past thinking and beliefs...all the time justifying..."well it worked that one time," or, "it started out as a good thing," or even better, "I'm sure now things are different because I'm different so I can handle it differently." NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm telling myself that as much as I'm shouting that out to the universe. 


The WHOLE point of Peter addressing the above proverb was to emphasize the lunacy of that behavior. Course that doesn't make it any easier I know...just because we recognize something as unhealthy, dysfunctional...even crazy making doesn't mean that "old, familiar, and comfortable" aren't just as tempting as they have been before...however, I'd pose this question(s) to both you and me. "What if reaching back is the very reason we aren't moving forward...moving on...actually trusting God?" What if the hurdle of eating our own vomit or going back to the mud hole grosses out our future????


Sure it's comfortable and sure it might give momentary relief, but the old is the old...and many times, in the past, because it served it's purpose but is now no longer useful. Or in my case the past is the past because it was not only NOT good for the direction of my life and heart but caused me to lose focus, lose faith and lose my way. I mean if I reach back,eat my own yuckiness, or wallow in my own comfort level what's the overall cost. The time wasted on my own guilt/conviction! The emotions wasted on ONCE AGAIN learning the lesson! The mental energy wasted once again recovering and processing!


Doesn't seem like vomit's all that worth it.  

How many piles of rocks have you moved today?

This might be a difficult one for me to blog about...not because it's crazy complicated or anything. It's difficult because, in concept it's so simple (or should be), yet the action, carrying it out challenges almost all sense of logic, comfort and...well let's be honest....safety. I'm not saying Faith is a threat to personal safety as in "Yah! We have faith now let's play Russian roulette. OR how about cliff diving without a parachute." (This is where...if you know me and can picture this...I would roll my eyes, give you the look and walk away if I was "challenged" with these examples as arguments....YET if you knew me better I might remark...nope...He just wants you to get out of the boat and walk on water. Shouldn't be a problem right?) :) But seriously, I mean it more in the sense of our comfort levels.

What usually dictates our move from A to B? What normally helps us pick between this belief or that one? What commonly aids our decisions in staying or going, settling or expanding, stopping or moving forward...is it faith? or is it fear? If we really got honest with ourselves how many of us would admit that we have made decisions stating we felt "peace" but in the end it just felt like the safest option? The most innocuous and (let's just say it) inexpensive move. Harmless, innocent, benign....all great words in appropriate context...but has God called us to a benign, harmless, inexpensive, safe faith? NO!

He has called us into a faith that is reverent, Yes, but also into a faith that is radical. A faith that is not all logical and safe. One thing my brother said in service today that shook me, was when he reference the Law of Creation as God's faith in action. God spoke, "Let there be Light and there was light...Let the water be separated from the Land..." In any of that did God doubt that what he spoke forth would be created? Absolutely not...and similarly Jesus told us, in Mark 11:23 "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him," Jesus said, "I only do those things I see the Father doing." Aren't we suppose be doing what Christ does...is that what Christianity is all about...becoming a Christ follower???? So if God spoke without doubt in His heart...and Jesus spoke without doubt in His heart...then we are to....

What if our lack of faith is fear dictated by our own doubt. Doubt in our ability to hear God clearly because our fear is it might not be the "right" voice. Doubt in our capabilities, strength, brain power, finances, relationships because our fear is they are not good enough. Doubt in His willingness to come through and provide because our fear is He doesn't want to or needs to teach us a lesson (spanking intended). Doubts about His actual feelings towards us because our fear is we are unlovable or unacceptable. I love it in Mark 9:23 & 24 when a father that has sought out Jesus to heal his son but slips and tells Jesus (sort of indirectly) that he's not sure if Jesus can. Jesus responds, " If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." And I love the father's statement in v. 24, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."  Jesus heals the little boy despite the fathers seed of doubt...and i would wonder...do you think the father speaking it out...acknowledging his fear..his unbelief might have prompted Jesus to heal the little boy and moreover heal the father's seed of doubt?

I hear so much of myself in the father's response. I would be like..."no Jesus really, I came all this way, OBVIOUSLY I know you can!. I know you are capable. You're the Creator, the Messiah, the Savior, I have no doubt you can." Then it would hit me. He's right...there's this tiny fear. This little seed of doubt that is saying...I don't know if He will. I don't know if He wants to! Then I would say (hopefully)...Lord please help my unbelief!

I, many times, doubt God's willingness to work in my life, to speak and say the impossible and then my ability to walk it out...because I doubt Him..i doubt that he wants to...and then I doubt myself. I doubt that i'm worthy of love or being loved. I doubt I am "saved enough," living correctly, forgiven. And many of us can sit here and read these words and think..."Oh Brooke of course you are. Poor, poor, poor girl...she just doesn't get it." But then when we examine our own belief...our own level of faith???? 

Christ said it would only take the faith of a mustard seed to move the mountains. And I truly believe with everything in me...those mountains can be struggles, interpersonal, spiritual...even NATURAL...but I would ask...how many mountains have you moved today???? Have you even moved a rock?

Taming One of The Most Dangerous Parts of The Body

Prior to reading this blog please take the time to read James 3...


My brother delivered an unbelievable, convicting and sobering sermon today. As of today (Sunday, May 27th) he has started a new series entitled "Tongue Pierced?"...addressing the power of our words...and how are your words submitted to the reality of Christ...all the negative, reality, positive and inbetween.


Anywho...one scripture out of the many he used hit me like a brick wall...Proverbs 18:21, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Life AND death? We'll EAT the fruit of the words we speak out?


If I possess the power to speak life or death into people....wow...what am I saying? What am I confessing over others? Over myself? It was convicting on a personal level because how many times, just today, have i said..."Brooke you need to lose weight," "Brooke you are ridiculous," "Brooke you are to much." Are these words binding me to a fate I didn't realize? What do I say over other people? I know I try my absolute hardest to remain positive and encouraging with others...but I know I have moments. I know there are moments I can harpoon someone without even thinking? The guy who cuts me off? The lady that almost runs me over in the grocery store. The teen that is resistant and disrespectful. How about what we confess over ourselves or others in the moments we feel rejected, unwanted, used up, no longer valued, lonely or confused. 


Again, I have literally heard this scripture a million times...but it hit me differently today. 


Why today? 


I wasn't really sure....then I started to think (I know...SURPRISING) I have noticed a huge change in my words and heart attitude over the last few months (yay! points for me...lol...yeah right). One of the ways is that I have become much more focused on living more simple and quiet. I mean don't get me wrong...I will probably always be a social butterfly...with lots to talk about (travel, food, activities, the Bible, etc)..but my opinions...my judgments are less and less necessary....less and less spoken. I will probably always want to help others...but I understand my perspective might not always be welcomed...and really....I have come to accept that not everyone wants, values or cares what I have to say for the simply reason that I am judged or not acknowledged for mistakes in my past. And HONESTLY...that's okay. (Life lesson...only the humbled and broken accept the hand that reaches out to help...it's the prideful and dishonest that dismiss wisdom and find those that approve)

I am grateful for how I have changed...and some of that has been recently tested and exposed...but it doesn't mean I should look past the areas that are not submitted and unchallenged. I appreciate the sermon today...because i realize I no longer measure myself based on what I do good and thus subtracting from what I do wrong...I want to be completely whole, committed, transformed and pure. I also want more of God..and if that means I have to expose areas of myself that have yet to die OR might be to afraid to submit and try...well then...I want to do that...if I have to be willing to let go of any good enough or less then thing...the fear must bow...however, my responsibility is to still keep what I believe (my heart) in line with what comes out of my mouth (confession)...and then I have be willing to submit that maybe if what continues to come out of my mouth hasn't changed maybe that part of my heart needs to be changed. 


If I'm spouting unbelief in an area of my life...maybe I don't believe...if I am judgmental about certain actions because I'm afraid of what it might mean about God... maybe I'm not ready to minister..and maybe if my heart remains closed to an areas of hope and depth because I don't understand them...maybe I'm limiting God? So the power of my words...if they are pushed through a grid not submitted, or at least washed heavily in the grace of God, what power am I using....life or death???? 


Dear Lord thank you for grace and mercy....because this little tongue needs a LOT of piercing. LOL

Reflecting on fire

More then once in the last couple of days I've had friends mention that my Facebook status' have seemed "deep" and reflective. This was definitely not intentional, but I guess it's true. Lately, I have been rather reflective, or maybe a better way to say it is deeply grateful for and inspired by the last two years.

Two years ago I didn't think I was going to be able to survive much less ever foresee myself happy or fulfilled again. One year ago I thought the pain might swallow me whole, causing me to vanish completely. A year ago, there were moments I couldn't breath without tears in my eyes. I remember pacing in my room for a hour, crying out with everything inside of me, begging God to make it stop. In those moments I understood despair, regret, shame, humiliation...but even more...I understood that only God (and the friends He placed in my life) could carry me through.

So you might see why, in reflection and gratefulness, I am humbled and surprised to say I'm more content and happy then ever (knock on wood). If you asked my dad, he would say that he's never seen me so settled, adjusted and happy. "You're back. You're back to normal," he says with every ounce of southern drawl emphasizing his sincerity. lol oh la papa! But it's true!!! I have found myself content with a simpler, more productive and peaceful life. Maybe not always drama free (I still have my job) but consistent, steady and...well...I'll say it again...peaceful.

Why? Well that's where the reflective piece comes in. I've been thinking about the beauty of pain. I truly believe pain and brokenness can be a purging, a way to force the wrong, yucky and dark places of our hearts to surface. My mind pictures the refiners fire. The picture of the fire boiling out the impurities in the gold and silver. All that heat, all the process, causes the metal to become that much purer, that much more beautiful and desirable. That much more workable. And, of course, as with everything we have a choice when faced with those impurities. Many times we might run, avoid at all cost, seek refuge in other people, substances, things. Other times we might turn and face them, work through it, find a way back. Owning and taking responsibility for all the undesirable, hard things about ourselves. And for me...I think I did a little bit of it all.

I definitely ran at first. I didn't...couldn't face my reality. I couldn't see how any of it was fair much less how any of part of it could have been a little bit of me. But eventually I decided to turn and face it. Sit in my emotion and pain. Confront the areas of my own heart and soul that were not easy to own, but necessary to get to the other side if I wanted to be healthy again. Surprisingly, what I found was the pain became less, my mind got more quiet, and my heart and spirit began to expand.  I discovered joy in areas of life I had overlooked before. I learned how to hear God's voice through the storm, and I developed a confidence and strength that has been surprising.

When you're in pain, when you're broken it feels as though that will always be the case. But there is always another day, another side to your story. Out of the ashes God can and WILL create a thing of beauty. And while I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone...I am so very grateful for the peace and joy I have now.